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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
Spies, Secret Agents, Spooks, and Other Goats

For years now Iíve had them in my herd, secret agents, my spy goats. You know, the goats that silently glide through the herd, hiding from your all knowing attention. They keep their eyes on you, never an out right bug eyed stare that causes you to notice them, but a sly eye to see if you have noticed them.

Their goal is to be invisible, yet be there if any goodies are given out, like grain, delicious trees cut down, wonderful hay, protein blocks. But, they donít want to be noticed enjoying any of the bounty you provide for the other goats, because, after all, they are invisible, flying low under the radar.

Their goal in life is for you to never notice them, never get wormed, never get a CD/T shot, never have feet trimmed, never be touched by a human, and they could easily train all of our FBI, CIA, undercover agents on how to blend. Iíve said before that these human agents need to work on a goat farm for a while and be trained by the best, the secret agent goat. The trick will be for the human agent to notice them so they can learn.

These secret agent spy goats know how to blend into their environment. They know to go and hide behind another goat, tree, fence post, door, barn, anything that they can peek around to see where you are at. Crafty is an excellent word for that spy goat. I had one kid that was a natural. As soon as I appeared in the area, she would make sure she kept another goat between me and her and she would shadow this other goat, knowing to change sides, so she was always well hidden.

There was this one problem though. She wasnít as brilliant as she thought. Sometimes she would hide behind another goat that was shorter than she was. She would have to drop her head to peek over the short goatís back to see where I was, but a lot of her own back was in full view. Needless to say, she got all of her wormings and shots on schedule. Wait long enough and she would eventually pick a goat shorter than herself to hide behind and there you had her.

Sometimes the natural spy goat would pick the wrong group to hide in. They would dive into the middle of a group and stay put in the middle, invisible. But, they needed to be careful of the group they picked to hide in. Each year we catch a couple of spy goats because they chose to hide in our ex-bottle baby group. As soon as I step in the pen, these ex-bottle girls, who think I am wonderful, would charge me in a tight group with the spy goat trapped in the middle, unable to break free, and I had her in minutes for her worming.

When I had my knee replacement and was not allowed into the big herd for four months, the herd was quite surprised to see me one day on my cane, coming for a visit. I stood there and the friendly girls surrounded me, begging me for a petting. I am use to the girls grabbing bits of my clothing and tugging to get attention, but one was persistently jerking on my shirt from behind. I looked around and there stood my one of my best spy goats, Cricket, pulling on my shirt for all she was worth. This is a girl that once disappeared so well that she missed her CD/T shot, wormings, delousing, checking feet, for well over 8 months, staying slick and healthy to not draw attention to herself. My records told on her lack of attention, this sly olí full blood Boer doe, and we finally laid a trap good enough to catch her and give her the works, because who knew when we would be able to find her and catch her again?

But, there Cricket stood, fiercely tugging on the back of my shirt, the spy goat who hated all humans. She allowed me to pet her twice on the head and then she hurried off, in case I started getting ideas. I suppose the silly olí thing missed the competition of the game in hiding, and was glad to see I was up and about. Or, maybe she liked the thought of tugging on Supermanís cape and escaping.

You say whatís the difference in a spy goat or a truly wild goat. Thereís different levels of wild goats. There are wild ones that go truly bonkers if you get within an acre of them and they take off to the next county. The other wild ones, who if trapped in the barn or pen, jump straight up the wall and walk the rafters of the barn and climb an impossibly tall fence to get away, when you arenít even interested in them. These are all noticeable things. The spy goat is never noticed.

She never acts like a bug eyed deer caught in your high beams, she never hysterically walks the wall or jumps fences before sheís even seen, she never plows through goats before it is necessary. The spy goat is as cool as a cucumber as she plans her next move and executes it. Sheís always scheming, always planning, always knows where you are at. The ultimate sneak.

The other day, one of the spy goats walked within two foot of me, quietly ghosting along with another group of goats. What made me notice her was she slightly tilted her head to the side to look up and me to see if I had noticed her. I pretended I didnít see her and she went off quite pleased with herself. Thatís another thing, let them keep getting bolder and bolder, thinking they are so good you never see them, then nail them as they attempt stealth mode even closer to you.

Ah, yes, human agents could learn from the craftiness of these spy goats. They could also learn what their downfall could be, too. Yes, to be a super operative, they really need to study from the best on a goat farm.

THE END


 

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