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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
BEAUTY MISTAKES BY GOAT FARMERS

It was with a great deal of concern that I read the earth shattering news on the internet that we, yes, we of forty years and older could actually be making beauty mistakes. We might even be adding ten years to our looks. This could cause many of us girl goat farmers so much worry that we might even lose sleep over it, if we werenĎt already losing sleep over important things like night kiddings, staying up with sick goats, or at night shooting at coyotes that are getting too close to the barn. But, the thought that popped in my sleep deprived brain was that I was more concerned that I might feel ten years older. How would I get all my chores done then?

The article went on to list the ten beauty mistakes so we could take care of it right now. I am passing them on to the girl goat farmers out there and my suggestions on how to deal with it. Guy goat farmers, youíll just have to do the best you can and hope someone lists grooming tips for the guy goat farmer.

The number one thing, girl goat farmers, is not to pile on the foundation trying to hide those wrinkles. Foundation will make the wrinkles look deeper, making the Grand Canyon envious. So, I say who needs foundation? Hey, we are goat farmers. We work in a barn or out in the wide open spaces. Who is going to see us? The goats donít care. Carry a feed bucket and they donít care if you are the Locknest monster. You are carrying a feed bucket and you are A-OK with them. You say, what about your husband? You want to look nice for him. Well, first off, heís more concerned you are doing your chores. Because if you donít do them, then heíll have to do them. Then think on this, he doesnít want to see Grand Canyon wrinkles walking towards him. Drop the foundation. Who needs an enemy like that? Besides, you have plenty of dirt covering your face to mask any wrinkles. Thereís just something about a dirty face that distracts people from noticing wrinkles.

Eyeliner. Do I really need to say more? Do you really need eyeliner to go to the barn? Pick up a feed bucket and to the goats you are beautiful. Once again you say you want to look good for your husband. *Sigh* Okay, then when applying your eyeliner so you can go to the barn, us girl goat farmers over forty really need to put a little tilt, a lift upwards of the liner on the outer edges of the eyes. For some odd reason, we have tired eyes. Duh. Night kiddings, loads of chores, staying up with sick goats, lack of sleep. If you follow the contours of our tired little goat farmer eyes, just call us Droopy. So, fake it and raise that liner upwards so we look almost lively.

Exfoliate. Oh, dear. What an awful sounding word. Really what they want you to do is slough off your dead skin so you will look new and shiny. You know, like those shiny snakes you keep seeing around the barn. Naturally they have all sorts of expensive doodads to smear on your face to do this. But, I say, we goat farmers, both men and women are exfoliating whether we want to or not. Step out into that wind with blowing sand, dirt, and sometimes just the wind alone can exfoliate your skin to death. In the winter time, those windy blizzards, sleet, frozen rain, snow, why itís whipping the skin right off you. We goat farmers exfoliate naturally.

Iím combining the articleís hand care, what they call micro abrasion, with this exfoliation of the face. Out in the weather that we have to be out in, all that peeling off of skin is getting naturally done at no cost to the goat farmer, young, old, man or woman. The goats need cared for no matter what the weather. The hands are getting micro abraded like crazy. Might I suggest a good moisturizer for hands and face, like Udder Butter. Not only can you use it on your face and hands after the wind has peeled you, but you can use it on your does when their teats get chapped from the kids nursing on them.

Speaking of moisturizers, the article suggested sunscreens to prevent skin damage, up to 50 SPF or higher. I have used 30 SPF sunscreen before and I looked like I had been bleached out, white as a vampire, and my skin shriveled up from the moisture being sucked right out of it. The article seemed to think a 50 would moisturize the face plus protect it. HA! Just watch what sunscreen you do buy. I find 15 perfectly adequate without drying you out, and might I suggest a hat for the best protection.

Oddly enough, after suggesting an industrial strength sunscreen to prevent any tans, then to make us look younger, the article suggested a bronzer so we will look tanned. Only us golden oldies are suppose to dust the bronzer on our hairline, cheekbones, and jaw line. So, we are to circle our face and then put a slash of that bronzer horizontally through the middle. Iím just not sure how young this is going to make me look. Looking weird is being young?

The article takes on eye shadow and mascara for women over forty. Heavens to Betsy, I just want to make it to the barn. If I do all the things this article seems to think I need to do before I leave the house, Iíll never get my chores done. Now for some reason, this article doesnít think that women over 40 should be wearing metallic eye shadow. Next thing they will be wanting us to give up our low rider bell bottom jeans, Beatle boots, and peasant blouses. Cheeee!

But truthfully, whatís the point of eye shadow? A lady goat farmer, up all hours at night, over 40, has bags over her eyes as well as under. Youíd have to get hold of the skin on the eyelids and stretch it to your hairline in order to put any eye shadow on and once you did that and let go, the loose skin would bag over, covering the eye shadow, and be sitting on your eyelashes once again. Which really, you do need to curl those eyelashes. It helps hold the bags of loose eyelid skin up, so they donít fall down over the eyes and then you canít see where you are going. So, Iíd highly recommend curling and putting some type of mascara on to stiffen that curl to hold up that loose baggy eye lid skin. Very convenient.

Now we mustnít forget our hair cut, our lipstick, and something called concealer. The goats might as well not expect me out of the house until late afternoon with all the things I am going to have to do. Once again, at our late age, we are to layer our hair. It seems all one length makes our face look droopy. You know, what it really looks like. If you layer your hair itís suppose to make you look perky. But, we donít have to worry about that. If you have a bunch of baby goats that like to chew on your hair when you sit down, youíve got the layered look taken care of. So that one is easy to do.

Then they are worried that us more mature lady goat farmers will want to wear metallic iridescent lipstick down at the barn. Iím not sure where they get this idea that we are drawn to metal make up, but it seems a real concern for them. Nor can us mature lady goat farmers wear deep red lipstick. Remember, we are trying to cover up some wrinkles and fool people by doing all this, and the lips have wrinkles all around the edges. That deep red lipstick will accent every wrinkle, making it look like you put on your lipstick that morning without a mirror and while half asleep. Jagged lips comes to mind.

So, we are suppose to use a dull sheen, slightly colored moisturizing lipstick. No, not that super glossy stuff for us mature goat farmers. People will wonder why you needed to eat a whole jar of Vaseline before you left the house that morning. But, we need a dull sheen to give us color and a little moistness to our lips. Now, let me warn you again about too much moistness to the lips on those lipsticks. Remember, you are outside or in the barn working with goats. Any chaff, dirt, loose goat hair is attracted like a magnet to sticky lipstick. Picture it for a moment. I donít think that is the look we want to go for.

Well, weíll conclude with a cover up, the article calls it a concealer. You know, those dark circles under the eyes from staying up with the goats or worrying that you might look ten years older than you really are. Once again, us mature lady goat farmers cannot slap that stuff on because of, you guessed it, our wrinkles, which I prefer to think of as laugh lines from laughing at the goats so much. The concealer will fall into those wrinkles creating the Grand Canyon look again, deeper wrinkles than they were before. They suggest getting some moisturizer to mix with a little concealer and lightly pat it on. So, get your Udder Butter, mix it, and give it a try, if you are really worried about the bags and dark areas under your eyes.

So, those of you who want to look ten years younger, or at least not ten years older, now have even more chores heaped on you to do. Do what the article says, but might I suggest getting up a couple of hours earlier to do it so youíll be on time to feed your goats. And, once again, remember, you are going to the barn. Decide what you really need to feel gorgeous at the barn. Oh, and always carry a feed bucket if you donít feel loved or appreciated. Those goats will appreciate you to death as they chase you down.

THE END


 

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