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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
REFEREE

Can’t we all just get along? I keep asking this over and over to our does, bucks, baby goats, cats, dogs, even the chickens, as I referee their fights. When you become a goat farmer you’d be surprised how much time you spend studying personalities of your livestock and pets, just so they will half way get along with each other. I’m saying this after half crawling underneath the truck to separate a cat fight between two of the barn cats. I, evidently, looked more ferocious than their fight because they separated and took off after one look at my very angry face. Just a few more inches and I could have clobbered both of them. Good grief, they have known each other for years.

What sets off the strife on the farm? Let’s see, for example: We are now separating the bred does out of the big herd so they don’t have to compete with so many goats and I know that their needs are being met these last two months of their pregnancy. Very important. Their kids are now really calling on the doe’s body for it’s nutrition and growth. The pregnant doe is under stress now and I want her to easily get her amount of grain she needs, and her protein block, and her molasses bucket, and her loose minerals. Anything her little heart desires to help her and the kids she is growing for me. She doesn’t need to compete with does that aren’t being stressed at this point in time. So, the pregnant does are separated out at this stage to give them special care.

And, it never fails. We try to get all the pregnant girls in their last two months out at the same time, but sometimes you can’t catch them all. They think they are being quite sly about not being pampered and give us a look as they stand on a hill behind a tree, saying, “HA! I laugh in your face! You’ll never catch me! Never!” Oh, we eventually catch them but it may be a day or two. And, you have some going in later who weren’t at the last two months of pregnancy at the first drive.

Now, this is what usually happens when you catch several girls, put them in their special pregnant pen, and just on the other side of the fence from the rest of the doe herd, they can see each other just fine. Then that evening or the next day, you catch the hard to catch smart alec pregnant ones and put them in the pregnant pen, and what happens? The girls who may have only been in that pen a few hours, and have been looking at all the girls on the other side of the pen, will suddenly say to the does we just put in, “Who are you?! You’re a stranger! I must annihilate you!” And, a battle starts. Usually it’s not too bad and you stay and watch and referee if it gets too rough, because you don’t want those babies hurt. But, you are going, “Really? You don‘t know each other?”

Our breeding bucks are another good example. You may have a couple of your breeding bucks in a pasture together and they are polite enough to each other, then take them out to their separate pastures or pens for breeding season, and they can be side by side in their separate pastures with their girls, see each other every day through the fence (with electric on either side of the fence, of course), and then you attempt to put them back into their old pasture together after breeding season. Well, forget that! It’s who are you?! It’s battle to the death. So, all of our breeding bucks are now put in separate pens, some side by side pens and everything is fine then.

Your baby kids can’t even be peaceful. Let’s say you have a group of kids and mothers running together, it’s now time to wean. You don’t want to crowd your weanlings, and it being a cold winter, so you have them in a barn, each baby group separated with cattle panels so they can still see each other, because you know even babies will fight strangers, and then that wonderful day arrives that you think the babies are weaned and you turn them outside together to play in the winter sunshine. And, then the battle is on. Though they were side by side, each group separated by the cattle panels, able to see each other, they go, “Who are you?!! Strangers! Attack!”

Even your bottle babies can be aggressive. In the winter I’ll put the bottle babies in Rubber Maid tubs lined up together in the house. Depending on the size of the tub and the size of the kid, I’ll have two to three kids in a tub. They stay there until they start popping out like popcorn and running amuck in the house. Then they get moved to the garage to a wading pool filed with sawdust and a hog panel wrapped around that pool to keep the kids in. You can combine some of the tub kids now and guess what happens. Yes, you guessed it. Some are afraid of the “new” kids. They say they have never seen before, though they rubbed noses and faces all the time in the upstairs tubs, and others go, “Strangers! Me, Bottle Baby, must terminate these intruders!” You say, good grief.

When you think you might find peace in your barn aisle with your friendly barn cats, you just end up shaking your head. Peace is not to be had. We have cats that have known each other for years, we even have a mother cat and her four grown up kittens, and what do they do? They accidentally meet in the barn and say, “You lookin’ at me? You lookin’ at me?!” and the fight is on.

The barn cats will even lay in wait for each other to screech and scream, lick their lips, and then attack, or slink off after a bunch of name calling. All the cats have been spayed and neutered, and it’s worth saving up your nickels and dimes to do this, but it doesn’t seem to mellow them out. So, I find myself hollering, “Morris! Leave your brother alone! Spook! Did you just slap your mother! Shame on you!”

So, be prepared. Look for a couple of black and white striped shirts for your farm wardrobe, a whistle might also help, know the hand gestures to call time and penalties, and be ready to mediate between the does, the cats, the bucks, the kids, and whatever else you own in livestock, because if they have personalities, you can count on having to be a farm referee.

THE END


 

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