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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
GOAT WRITER

Okay, letís get one thing straight, thatís Goat Writer, not Ghost Writer, someone who writes a story for someone else who would really like to write, but the gift and endurance to do it isnít there. Itís also not Goat Rider. Very few people can find a goat large enough to ride, though they do put them in harness and drive them, or they can accidentally ride one over the hill, such as I did one day. But, this is about Goat Writers. Those brave souls who attempt to write and share their wisdom, knowledge, and what wit they have left after raising goats, to the rest of the world.

To be a steady, continuous Goat Writer you have to want to be one thing, a writer. You want to write. You also have this desire to want people to read what you write. The next thing a regular writer has to do is decide what he wants to write about. Itís best to write about what you have experienced or have thoroughly studied to be a nonfiction writer. Then, if you want to be a fiction writer, you still have to do a great deal of research to make things realistic in your fiction story.

The next thing you have to have after wanting to be a writer and choosing what you want to write about, you have to have grit. That is, be able to pump out a story every month, or every week, or sit down and work on your project every day. Inspiration is wonderful, but a lot of times you donít feel inspired, and the story still has a deadline. So, writing is work, like a nine to five job, you have to do it once you have said you will do it. Show up at your desk or keyboard no matter what and get the job done.

I started out over thirty years ago writing. I wanted to write books - mysteries, science fiction. I have four or five books sitting around collecting dust now for a good many years. Thirty years ago you wrote your book and sent it around to the publishers, one publisher at a time because they got insulted if you sent it to two or three or more publishers at a time. Plus, the manuscript had to be typewritten, no personal computers back then, sent in a good box with a cover letter on the best stationary paper and preferably with a letter head, and the stamps to mail it back to you when they were finished if they didnít like it, plus you must send a SASE so if they did like it or they just wanted to let you know how dreadful it really was or, after months they just hadnít had time to even read it, and they wanted the SASE to get to you fast and eventually your tired manuscript shows up a week or two later.

Then they informed you that you would have a better chance of a publishing house reading it if you were already published. I was a worthless short story writer and the competition to getting your short story published was even more intense than trying to get your book published. But, I could do How-Toís, articles that explained how to do something with pictures to do with it. I have a natural bent to wanting to teach people things, I like doing that.

So, for the next eleven or so years I sold How-Toís to horse magazines, home repair magazines, etc, receiving $150-$225 an article. I even did pay for hire to Popular Mechanics where you lost all your rights to your story and photos you did, but you get an instant $1000, which back then was a fantastic amount of money to get, instantly to pay the bills. Well, to me now it would be a fantastic amount of money. And, yes, I had to learn to be a photographer and Lee helped me develop my own black and whites to send out and back then for color you sent slides. I loved photography but it wasnít my calling as it was to some folks. I was doing all this while my book was slowly making itís way around to publishers.

Then publishers starting refusing the books because their slush pile was growing too large and said to get an agent. For a while agents charged you $50 or more to read your book before they would approach a publisher with it. I quit sending my books around after 11 years. Iím sure things would be so much different now with the personal computer age. Years ago I wrote my books and articles on a manual typewriter and really felt like I was the catís meow when I could afford a classy electric typewriter and then a word processor. And, you depended on the regular mail to get articles and books to any editor or publisher, not your email.

Thinking about it, Iíve spent the longest amount of time at a job where you would make the smallest amount of money at in trying to a known writer. And, yet, there is that drive to write. Then next came that drive to raise fantastic little animals called goats. Do you think that drive is hereditary to continue making as small amount of money as possible? When at first learning to raise goats, remember, donít quit your day job. So, whatever, wherever your heart goes, there you follow, and goats are a whole pack of work and a whole lot of fun.

To be a goat writer you can chose to be a serious writer that helps people raise their goats, keep them healthy, how to run it like a business, all very important. Or, you can be like me and keep getting the giggles at all the things you and these animals can get into, and then you have to write about it. Amazing enough, when something funny has happened and I share it, I get comments back from folks on how much they have learned from me in raising goats. The only thing I can figure is what you have learned from me what not to do.

The next thing in writing about sweet funny things about goats is it doesnít have to be some grandiose story, life changing, mind altering. Take Red Hot Sally, one of the oldest Angora goats we had ever owned. Who knows her age when we got her, but she was tough as nails and protected her kid each year. Anyone treat her kid wrong and she became Sally the Terminator.

One day I was in her kidding stall putting iodine on her kidís belly button. Angoras usually only have one kid and they are just dolls, looking like poodles with all those wringlets of hair. Sally was staring at me and then her attention jerked upward and with one swift powerful hit of some very large horns, she smashed a spider crawling on the wall near her baby.

I felt both honored and a bit fearful after seeing that. Her baby was everything to her, yet she allowed me to handle it, trusting me to take care of the kid, but also not allowing anything else no matter how large or small to get near her kid. Up to that point it had never occurred to me that the goat caretaker could be in danger of handling some doesí kids. After that I was always very cautious with each new doe to see just how she would react to me with her kids.

So, as I thump away on my keyboard on this goat story, my right hand is swollen to twice itís size, fingers like big fat sausages, all from a sting of some very angry insect, and my knee is aching because I did who knows what to it while catching a goat, I am reminded that wind, nor rain, nor sleet, nor black and blue body, not even an exceedingly long sentence is allowed to stop this goat writer from writing about those funny cute creatures called goats.

THE END


 

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