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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
The Name Game
by
Keith Smith

Mary, Mary, Bo-berry, banana-fanna-fo-ferie...

Naming baby goats is one of the most difficult and time consuming processes in the industry. You think I exaggerate? It wouldn't be such a chore if only one person were involved. Me? I'd name 'em Fred, Maxine, George, whatever. But it's better, I've been told by my roommate, that names should match the temperament or physical attributes of the goat. "OK", I say. "What's the matter with Fatty or Snot"? Like I said... It'd be easier if only one of us were naming the goats.

Back in the good old days all we did was look at the goat and the first thing that popped into our mind was the goat's name. Ginnie & R.O. Hall had a pair of twins - one with a spot of red on it's back and one without a spot of red on it's back. They named them Spot & Not. This made so much sense to me that when we had twins, one with wattles and one without, I wanted to name them Wattle & Nottle. Lucinda wasn't having any of that so they got named Sugar & Spice. One of them gave birth to a doe that went on to be awarded Grand Champion several times and, to this day, I don't know if it's Sugar's kid or Spices' - I do know that her momma was the one with the wattles.

We did it the easy way in 1994. The first kid born here was immediately named Stormy. He came into the world in the middle of a thunderstorm. Targe' was a gimme', too; the color pattern on her side was in the shape of an archer's target. Bad Attitude and Mean Momma (Lucinda's interpretation of the less-than-general-audience names I used for them) were obvious names for the two bullies of the mob. Shoe-Fits, a switched-letter name for a gal with a Foo Manchu beard; Florence, our Florence Nightingale, was purchased as a blood donor for Sadie who we let get totally down with parasites. Drexel - I have no idea where that name came from. Tuesday - guess which day of the week she was born on.

When we bought Doc Dooley in 1996 we needed a more dignified way of naming his offspring. It was decided that all his full blood kids would be named Doc's something. Well... We had Doc's Zhivago, Doc's Lara, Doc's Rockford, Doc's Harley, etc., etc. The next year we bought an extremely fine doe named Fire-n-Ice. Her kids, of course, had to be named Doc's Firewalker, Doc's Firedancer, and Doc's Fire & Ice.

One sure method of complicating the process is by using theme-based names; like requiring that the names begin with the tattoo year letter or using map names. In late 1997 we switched to geography based names... Doc's Dakota, Doc's Montana, Doc's Laredo, ad nauseam.
"K" was a pretty good year for our naming of goats; Kai, Kayla, Keeley, Kharma... We had to throw in an occasional out-rider, though, because there are a limited number of non-Hawaiian names that start with K.
"L" was a banner year for us, name wise; Logan, Lenasia, Layla... We further complicated matters by trying to use only Afrikaans words and names. At kid number 32 we were almost half way through the kids but had run out of meaningful Afrikaans words that started with "L". We decided that maybe we'd best go back to the old way. Besides, MaryJane was an honorable name; easy to spell and easier to remember - specially since Lucinda said that the goat's flipped up ears reminded her of the hair style worn by the girl in the "MaryJane" shoe ads of the 1950s. We got back on the "L" band wagon as soon as I discovered an on-line Swahili dictionary: We had names like Lingana, which means "be the same" (the goat looked just like a miniature version of his daddy); Laabu, meaning "amuse self" (guess why we named him that); Lainika, short for "gentle, soft"; Lisasi, "tin soldier";... This was a gold mine!


By the time the "M" year, 2000, rolled around we decided that this cutesie naming was getting out of hand - we only named about half of the kids using "M" - and most of those names were good ol' USofA names. We named one Pom-pom because she jumped around like a cheerleader on cafine. We ended up with Megan & Marcie, twins, of course, but mostly a whole bunch of names that had very little to do with any "theme". It wasn't until two weeks ago that I noticed that we had a buck in 1999 named Li'l Buddy and one in 2000 named Little Buddy, both named that way because they resembled their sire Buddy.

And... you never name one destined for the freezer. Well, almost never. Take, for example, Bridgette, a 7/8 Boer doe kid. She was big for her 30 days old but all of a sudden her hooves started acting like they were on steroids. Those darn hooves would grow about 1/8 inch a day - every day! This goat was freezer bait if there ever was such a thing. So we changed her name to Brisket - you know, as in the chunk of meat that you put on your table now and then? Well, anyway... we kept trimming her feet but otherwise treating her just like the other kids in her age group... including immunizations. Then we realized that there must be some kind of withdrawal time on the immunizations before she could be slaughtered - She'd have to wait to go to the butcher. Now, what with all the other things that go on around a farm that keep a body busy, she was all of a sudden 6 months old and her hooves were just like any other goat's. When we were sure she wasn't going to go into remission, she was 18 months old by then, we went ahead and bred her. What'd we get? Only two of the nicest little 15/16 kids you ever saw. Her name's Bridgette again.

We have a rule here... if a goat has a flaw, like not enough color, too much color, an extra teat, whatever, it can never have a name. That goat will forever be known only by her ear tag number.
We turn every goat over when it's born and check the teats. If we see more than 2 on each side, 2 on each side but not fully separated, clusters, fishtails, anything like that, we write the fact down in our notebook and don't name the kid. If they are really good otherwise and the flaw isn't a a real bad one, though, we'll go ahead and register them, using their ID number as their name, with plans to sell them as commercial stock.
L048 is a real good example of this: I've got a piece of paper right here in front of me that says, in my own handwriting, that L048 has two teats on each side but that they are joined at the base. Well... once you write down something there's no need in going back to check later, is there? Shoot! It's a fact by then. When L048's giant buck kid was born we dipped his navel, looked under him, looked in his mouth, and wrote down that every thing was good. Then I noticed L048's udder. She had 2 normal teats on each side. About 2 inches between the ones on each side. !#@$!@#$. She shoulda' had a name! And what's worse is that now, since I can't trust my notes, I have to go look under every goat on the place to double check myself.

Krista Darnell just e-mailed the following:
"I considered namin' 'em Plywood, Siding, Toilet, New Truck, Washer and Dryer for a pair of twins, etc. At this rate, that might be the only way I ever get those things."

This year has been easy...
Inta - She's "inta" everything,
Evie - She's in to "evie" thing,
Ting - He's in to every "ting",
Esstoo - Stands for "Situation-II",
S2'sbrother - Poor guy has no identification of his own,
Stripe - His blaze looks like a stripe on his face,
Sludleft - Her blaze looks like it's sliding off of the left of her face,
Sludright - Her blaze looks like it's sliding off of the right of her face,
(If "slud" isn't the past tense of "slid" then it should be.)
Scooter - It took her a while to figure out her back legs,
Pete - Just because we've never had a Pete before,
Helios - His buyer sure comes up with better names than we do,
FlashGordon - The flashiest, most active buck kid on the place,
and it goes on and on and on and on and on.
And next kidding season... We get to do it all over again.



END

 

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