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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
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KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
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M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
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PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

GOAT SCIENTIST
by
Connie S. Reynolds

Deep in the bowels of my underground laboratory, on a dark and stormy night... Okay, okay, down in the basement during daylight, I have an old kitchen table, an old lamp, a discount microscope, discarded empty pill bottles, paper towels, etc. This is my goat laboratory. I donít go down there at night because the lighting is not the best and I probably would trip over barn boots left there for their next trip outside.

At the age past middle age, I have finally discovered what I should have been, a goat scientist. I love to study things about goats. Itís a late growing gift. Letís take giving goat shots for instance. This is a study all in itself. A scientist could study this for years. I heard it as a voice from above that I was to give goats shots. Well, really it was from my husband who said, "Iím stronger then you and have to hold these goats, so youíll have to be the one to give the shots. Go ahead around back and get sick and then come back and give this goat a shot before it gets me down again."

True, I had the shakes for a while about giving shots and I did get physically sick to my stomach over it, but now I can give a shot with the best of them, if the goat will just hold still. I just had to learn that a needle can be very sharp and never point it at myself, and in particular, at my husband. I have also learned that CD/T shots, antibiotic shots, vitamin shots, will not harm a person. Iím not for sure about the worming shots, but Iím sure Iíll come out a healthier person when itís all said and done. So, you have to be analytical about these things, as a true scientist would.

Taking a temperature was another scientific endeavor. I believe digital thermometers are a gift from God and we should use them. I never could read those mercury thermometers and to actually have something beep at you when it is finished, hold the number until you can find your glasses, is a true God send. All goat scientists should own a digital thermometer. Try using them on a goat, thatís a little trickier. Canít stick it in their mouths or in their armpits. Yep, it goes directly under the tail. And, those goats can pucker up so tight; it takes a flashlight and a magnifying glass to find the spot to insert that thermometer. But, a scientist has to do what a scientist has to do.

Take kidding, for instance, when that doe has been in hard labor for a half-hour, well something has to be done. As a scientist, I discovered this the first time we ever kidded. Lee was holding onto the hollering doe and told me to put a glove on, like the book said, and go in and check around. The next voice I heard as I came to, was Lee saying, "Connie. Connie, get up off the ground and go get your gloves. NO. The clear plastic gloves, not your insulated barn gloves."

After kidding, another deep study takes place in studying the afterbirth to make sure the doe has passed all of it. Itís this red, gooey, squishy mess, so slimy it just slides out of your hands. I know these are highly technical scientific terms, but you get my drift. The hardest part about this is when the doe decides she has to eat her afterbirth and you find yourself playing tug of war with her. What insane reason she has for wanting to eat this, Iíll never know. She needs a little snack after all that hard work? All I know is that while Iím gagging, she is busy trying to gobble it down.

Drenching is another goat scientific study, whether itís drenching for worms or drenching with pepto for runny bottom (sorry, another scientific term for diarrhea). The study comes if you have drenched your goats several times in the past and they have caught on. They get this sly look in their eyes, allow you put the drench gun in their mouths, and then, with an evil chuckle, flip their tongue up and cover the end of the nozzle. You receive this fine spray of wormer all over your face. I have scientifically discovered that wormers range in taste from kerosene to gasoline. Donít ask me why I know what kerosene or gasoline tastes like. That was another scientific study.

I have also discovered that pink pepto is almost wash resistant. You can scrub it off your face and hands, which causes the skin to dry up something awful. But, off clothes, thatís another matter. I have shirts with one-year pepto stains all over them. Repeated washings do not impress those stains. Nor the other stains you get when you chase down kids with runny bottoms and have to carry them back to your supply of pepto.

Back to my underground laboratory, I mean, my microscope in the basement. I have learned to do fecals. I find myself cackling like an evil scientist when I prepare my fecals and I also start calling Lee "Egor". He usually tells me to knock it off and goes back upstairs. Me thinks he acts a little nervous down here in my underground laboratory. Cackle. Cackle. Okay, I just scared myself, letís get on with the scientific study of fecals.

Letís say Iíve already collected some fresh goat berries in nice clean sandwich baggies. Now, I need the fecal solution for this to work. For some reason my vet would not sell me the solution. She must have thought Iíd drink it or something. Instead, she said to make my own only using sugar.

I hunted up the recipe and put it in my recipe book. If anyone goes through my recipes, they are going to be more then a little baffled. I need one pound of sugar, twelve ounces of water, and 6 ml of formaldehyde. I hunted high and low in my kitchen cabinets and for some reason could not find the formaldehyde. Of course I could not find the formaldehyde. Whatís wrong with these people? How many people keep formaldehyde on hand? So, I mixed the fecal solution without the formaldehyde, realizing that in a day or two this solution will mold if itís not used up. Us goat scientists instinctively know these things.

I happily squished up goat berries and solution, let them set, and checked the slide under the microscope. I was so content. This was what I was made for. Squishing goat berries, playing with a microscope and all in my underground laboratory. All I needed was thunder and lightning outside. Well, you canít have everything. Oh, before I forget, in using this sugar fecal solution, remember to have paper towels on hand. If you donít, youíll automatically lick your fingers every time you feel some stickiness while you are working on fecals. Not a good idea.

After I had finished up, I went outside where Lee was working on our stubborn truck. He watched me pat my pockets. "What are you up to, Connie?" he asked.

I patted one pocket. "Iíve got a pocketful of clean sandwich baggies on this side and a permanent magic marker on this side to mark the baggies, and Iím going out to the pasture to watch goats and collect goat berries," I said.

"Youíre one strange woman, Connie," Lee remarked admirably, I thought.

"I know," I said happily. "But, thatís what it takes to be a goat scientist," and walked on down the hill to the pastures.

THE END

 

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