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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Lee & Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

BARN SOUR TRUCK
by
Connie S. Reynolds

If any of you have ever owned a horse, you know what a barn sour horse is. Itís a horse that has become accustomed to the easy living at the barn, being brushed, fed, watered, allowed to nap any time, and that horse just plain olí doesnít want to leave the barn. You get on him to go riding and as you leave the barn, he either cuts a fuss and refuses to leave or uses passive resistance by weaving around, not able to walk a straight line, etc. Unless, itís back to the barn and then he walks a strong straight line.

Well, Saturday was an unbelievable day. It was time to go pick up our goat feed. We buy a ton at a time plus other odds and ends and extras. We get it mixed at a feed store an hourís drive from our farm. If you wait until Saturday to just show up and give them your order, you could have a three-hour wait. All the farmers in the area have shown up precisely 6 seconds before you and already have their orders in and there you are stuck with waiting.

I finally got smart and phoned in my order on Friday. That way it would be waiting by the time we got there early Saturday morning. And, I told the nice lady on the phone, we would be there bright and early Saturday morning. Saturday was going to be a beautiful sunny day, perfect to build fence since we were in between hayings.

Feeling quite efficient, we started out early Saturday morning got half way there and the truck started stalling out. Push on the accelerator and it stalled and white smoke would poof out behind. It was a diesel, but our diesel never smoked the way you would see other diesels around town smoking. But, it did have over 130,000 hard miles on it and it was over 13 years old.

So, we turned around and crossed our fingers that we would make it home before it totally broke down. On the way home, no problems. We decided to pick up some parts at Advance and stop at mom & dadís house in town and work on the truck, then try again to get the grain. We did that. Headed back out of town, halfway there, it started stalling again. We turned back around to head to momís and dadís to work on the truck. It did fine going back. We did this three times, going half way, having to turn back and work on the truck.

It was starting to get late. The feed store closed early on Saturdays. They had our feed on the dock waiting for us. Pressure was building. I checked around with everyone who had a ton truck we might borrow to go get the grain. Everyone was on vacation! No one home. Who goes on vacations? We canít even spell the word.

We decided the only thing to do was to get our old van (the Goat Mobile) and haul the feed. Make two trips, one hour up, pick up half the feed, one hour back, unload the feed, one hour up, pick up the feed, one hourÖ..well, you get the drift.

On one of the trips to get the grain I told Lee I knew what was wrong with the truck. He was all ears. This was driving him crazy that he couldnít get it fixed in time for the grain run.

"The truck is barn sour," I announced. "But, I bet I can break it. When we drive it, weíll bring it back and make it stand near the place it likes to be parked, but not let it go there. Make it park in a new spot, not where it wants to go, where it is usually parked. Weíll make it stay there a couple of hours. So, every time we come back, it doesnít have something to look forward to. It wonít want to rush home," I said, proud of my truck training logic.

Lee gave me a look.

Then, I brought up my second thought and broached the subject of a new truck. We both had a stress attack over that thought and then carefully sneaked up on the idea. I promised to check over the budget to see what kind of payments we could afford and he said he would look at truck prices.

That evening, after a full day of going to get grain, I showed Lee my figurings. "If we live on beans and venison for six years, not buy any new clothes, learn to use just one light bulb in the house, this is the payment we could afford," I said, and I proudly showed him the amount.

He then showed me the truck prices in the paper. I squawked. "When did trucks get more expensive then the farm? Do we have to take a 20 year mortgage out on a truck?" I asked.

Besides that, the new trucks were embarrassing. What happened to good, rugged, one ton, 4-wheel drives trucks? Trucks that were meant to be work horses for the farm. I know itís been a good while since we first bought our truck, but geemaneee. They made them sissy big things, downright prissy, not a macho thing about them to make you think they would work hard for you.

Carpeting? Donít the truck people know about farms and mud and manure? Chartreuse coloring with pin stripping? The animals would fall over laughing. On a hill farm, that could be bad. I donít want a bunch of hurt animals.

Electric windows? What? Have we lost the muscle in our arms? A satellite tracking system? Well, if you get lost on your own farm, you deserve to be lost. Air conditioning that turns itself on when the cab hits a certain temperature? Youíre sitting in the house eating supper and you hear your truck turn on because the poor wittle thing got too hot outside and needed itís air conditioning. What a sissy.

Leather seats? I canít even afford leather gloves. Besides, everyone who owns a rugged truck throws the western seat covers on the truck seats. Who would know you had leather seats anyway?

Okay, I can see a radio. You need a radio to get those weather forecasts to see if you are going to make it home with your load of hay before it rains. Maybe a cassette player, because radio stations just donít play the good music any more. They donít play bands that rock like the Gospel Trio or Riders in the Sky.

Electric power locks? What, you are afraid one of the goats is going to go for a joy ride and youíd better keep your prissy truck locked up on the farm? Oh, you say when you go to town you donít want anyone stealing your farm truck? Anyone crawls into our truck, to steal it, deserves what they get. Open the door and the strong odor of farm comes rolling out, along with empty Pepsi cans, hay ropes, pieces of hay, goat berries, empty grain sacks, halters, ropes. And, if they see the elasticator lying on the seat, Iím sure the truck thief will quietly slip away, hoping the owner wasnít anywhere close by.

Our old beat up farm truck would be ashamed and humiliated to be parked by these new wussy trucks that called themselves trucks. Itís all these options thatís driving the truck prices up, I figured out. Letís see what I can do if I call one of these truck dealerships.

I put in the call; told the fellow I wanted a one ton, 4-wheel drive truck. He was absolutely thrilled. I could already hear him tapping on his calculator, dollar signs dancing through his head.

"Well, little lady, what kind of options are you looking for?" he purred.

I said, "A steering wheel would be nice." There was long silence at the other end of the line.

END

 

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