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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

PROFESSIONAL "POO" CHECKER
by
Connie S. Reynolds

I believe, most of my life I have been a professional "poo" checker. Not a Winnie the Pooh checker, but the earthier poo checker. It started when I was small and had sisters and a brother that needed their diapers changed. I was quite young, possibly two or three... okay, I was older but Iím not going to admit it, and mom needed help with all the children. Iím sure my brother and sisters always appreciated my help in changing their diapers. Now a days, when people go to psychiatrists and complain about their mothers, Iím sure, with my siblings, the blame of a confusing life would be laid to rest at the door of a sister who thought she could diaper anything.

Back then women were women. They used cloth diapers on their babies that they had to clean and wash themselves. None of this Pamper stuff, even Pamper wipes. That name gives you a clue right there. Women werenít pampered back then and neither were their children, by gosh.

Real women had to be able to undiaper a baby, carry the soggy stinking mess (the diaper not the baby), dump its load, put it in a pail to soak the stains out, and then beat it on a rock in the backyard (to kill anything that had started growing there), and wash it in the stream. Okay, mom had a washing machine. I think she might have started getting a little soft by the time the fourth child showed up. I once asked her how it felt to be a real woman back then. All she said was she wished she had Pampers.

The easiest part of the diapering business, was to put the clean diaper back on. You folded the cloth diaper just so and then laid the squirmy, kicky baby on it. Then you picked up two lethal weapons (Iím sure this is where Kung Fu fighters first learned how to handle their knives and swords) called safe diaper pins. They had this special head to them so they couldnít accidentally come undone and pin the baby to the bed. But, to put these deadly weapons in the diaper, you had to learn to ignore pain and always have your hand between the squirming, fighting baby and the diaper pins. This is why I have such a high threshold of pain now. When doctors ask if I need anesthesia for surgery, I laugh at their joke.

This early raising to observe poo and then figure out what to do with it lead me to my next career. I was going to be a horse trainer. Strangely enough, every professional stable I worked at, the head trainer firmly believed that the makings of a real trainer were to clean up horse poo. To reach that higher level of being a horse trainer, one had to clean at least a zillion stalls, snatching quick peeks of the trainer riding by on a horse. Thus, you learned to be a horse trainer.

You were also expected to be able to use every barn utensil available and learn to skillfully remove the horse poo. If you were given a shoe, you would quickly learn how to clean that stall with a shoe, a sign of a true up and coming professional. You had to remember, poo was your life. Trust me, you felt like it.

Then, on top of that, not only did you have to know how to get rid of the manure; you had to be able to "read" the poo. Iíll never forget the one trainer who came into the stall that a few of us future professional horse trainers were in, to teach us about horse poo. He scooped up some horse poo with his hand. Of course we knew how to remove horse poo with only a shoe available, but this was a whole new level of horse training. And, Iím sure all of us had the same thought, "I hope he remembers to wash his hands before he eats."

He started breaking the poo apart with his bare hands. "Look at this!" he complained. Whatever it was, we all said we didnít do it.

"No, no. Look how dry this poo is. And, look here, she hasnít chewed up all her oats. It came out whole. Weíll have to get her teeth floated (rasp the sharp points off the teeth with a rusty file, much like what your dentist does) when the vet comes around. Smell this! Itís all wrong!" He shoved a handful of horse poo under our noses. Weíd always hoped to keep it at armsí length, but saw now that wasnít going to happen.

"Sheís not drinking enough water, sheís definitely not chewing her feed right, and sheís got the wrong smell to her poo. This mare is going to colic on us if we donít do something soon." We all made a mental note to start running our fingers through the poo, sniffing it closely, and be that much closer to being a professional horse trainer. One of these days we would even learn to ride.

Since that memorial day, I have been a professional poo checker, no matter what animal I own. I find myself walking behind the goats, following them around and observing them pooing. Was that black poo coming out of her? Does that mean that she has a heavy worm load and is bleeding internally? I notice her shiny coat, fat little body, and the way she bucks and plays most the time. Nope, must be something she ate.

A big pudding pile drops behind the next doe. What?! Either something she ate, or worms! I make a note to worm her. Anotherís poo berries comes out clumped like grapes. Hmmm, if she were bred Iíd start wondering about ketosis or, possibly, worms! Another one gets on the worm list. I go kicking through the goat berries looking for signs of possible tapeworms. I get after my dog for eating a potentially interesting poo pile.

I leave the goat pasture and go to the hay field. I notice poo lying there. Wow. This one has real problems and I start dissecting it. Thatís when I realize its deer poo. I dust my hands. Not my worry that.

I notice anymore I donít walk with my head up, looking forwards, walking smartly. I walk mainly with my head down, a slow shuffle, and a look of concentration on my face. But, after all, I am a professional poo checker.

THE END

 

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