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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

PHONE CALLS
By Connie S. Reynolds

"Is this the person to whom I am speaking to?" I keep waiting to get a phone call like that. It shouldnít be long now. All the years we have been raising goats, I have received calls that I honestly didnít know how to answer. Iím still trying to figure out how to answer them.

"Are you the one selling goats?" I answer in the affirmative and wait. Usually we arenít selling one goat, but weíve advertised a boatload of different sizes, ages, does, wethers, bucks, percentages, etc. I politely wait to see which one they are interested in. And, I wait. And, I wait. And, they wait. And, they wait. Iím not sure what they are waiting on. Itís their turn to say something, so I wait some more.

Do you think they think I have a sales pitch for every goat on the place? Punch the button on their phone accordingly to hear more on the one they want? I havenít figured it out. Iím a terrible phone person. So, usually I canít take the pressure and ask, "Which goat are you interested in?"

That usually gets the ball rolling and I find out what they need or think they need. "I want a billy for my two year old son to play with. Something all ready full grown and can eat a few weeds while playing with my son." I refuse to sell them a full grown buck for their baby boy to play with and try to explain why. A buck is a pervert and can entertain himself for long periods of time without a doe present and you will have to explain to your son what your full grown buck is doing. That usually changes their minds fast on buying a full grown buck for their baby son. If not, I explain that bucks also stink. They have an aroma that turns the does on, but leaves much to be desired for the rest of us. And, this aroma tends to rub off on whoever handles them. If that doesnít impress them, I explain a buck can get aggressive and decide he doesnít want you or your son in his territory.

So, if they donít mind their baby son asking why the buck is busy turning his front legs and face all yellow, or their son and the buck smelling exactly the same and unfit for human company, or if they donít mind watching their baby boy being butted over the hill, then possibly a full grown buck is for them. But, Iím not selling them one. Usually though, in the middle of my trying to answer their questions on why they donít want a full grown buck for their baby son to play with in their backyard, they call me crude and hang up. Ah, well.

Many times I received calls from people just needing advice on raising their goats. Some are open about it and say they already bought their goats and wonder what to do about such and such. I figure itís their dime (quarter, whatever, because the calls are usually long distance) and I happily talk to them and tell them what I do. Others try to be sneaky, pretending they are interested in buying a goat or goats, just so they can get some free advice. I ignore the sneaky part and happily answer their questions because I like to talk about goats.

I had one year that I call the "Quality" year. Several people called to ask me if I had "quality" goats for sale. Someone must have advised them to say this for so many to call and ask the same thing. I was stumped how to answer their question if I had "quality" goats.

Basically, I had a hard time controlling my smart alec tongue. I had a strong desire to tell these sometimes sincere and sometimes obnoxious people, that no, I had been raising and breeding goats for years to get the most inferior goat I could raise. That my farm sign read, "Inferior goats for sale. The most inferior goats anyone has ever seen is raised right here." Or, better yet, the sign read, "Home of the Inferior Master goat."

Mainly, I held my tongue, which is difficult to do and talk too, and asked them what exactly they were looking for: a quality show goat, quality pet, quality brush goat, quality commercial goat? That usually got them talking about their dreams and aspirations of what their quality goat was and we got it worked out.

"Youíre the one with them Boers for sale?" a grumpy voice asked over the phone. "Yes, I am," I said cheerfully. "Well, youíre too far away!" he almost shouted. "Oh? Where are you located?" I asked politely. He mentioned a place an hourís drive away. Iíve had people come to visit that were a half-dayís drive away just to see a Boer and if it was something they wanted to raise.

"Oh, my, yes. Thatís much too far." I agreed happily. "What Iíd do if I were you is check around in your area and see what Boers are available. That way you wonít have to drive so far. Wait a minute, I know someone in that area raising Boers. Hereís their number." I secretly hoped they would forgive me later for sending this fellow to them. If not, they could always return the favor.

His parting shot was, "And, youíre asking too much. You can get a good goat at the sale for $25." "No doubt," I answered cheerfully. "Maybe you can find a good Boer there." All I heard was grumbling as he hung up.

"Hello," I answered. "Hello," was the response. So far, so good. We were on speaking terms. "Are you the one with the Boer goats for sale?" he asked. "Yes, I am," I said happily.

"I need a billy. Iíve been raising Nubians for a hundred years and I have three girls I want to breed a Boer to," he said. "Youíll like the results," I said cheerfully.

"Yeah," he answers a tad sarcastically, "but you are asking too much for your high percentage correct color bucks. I just have only three girls to breed. Will you drop your price? It is way too high," he reminds me.

He just stepped on my "irked" button. My "irked" button is someone who doesnít even bother to come see the item for sale before asking for a mark down. Most people come look at our goats and donít bother to dicker, just hand the money over. The goats are clean and healthy and beat anything going through the sale and they arenít overpriced. They also know Iíll help them in any way possible with their goats after the sale.

"Oh, I know," I agreed. "You can probably find them cheaper in your area." I suggested hopefully.

"Well, I have to go to Timbuktu on Wednesday and your town is on the same road. How far are you from the interstate?" he grumbles. "About 15 minutes," I answer.

"Too far, and I only have three girls to breed," hinting heavily that I need to mark down the bucks. "How big are these billys? Born in Jan. it says here, so they must be 50 lbs.?"

"At least one hundred pounds, but they have lost weight because they are chasing the fence now, hollering to the girls. They think itís breeding season," I say. Thereís silence on the other end. "They are 6 months old and one hundred pounds?" he questions slowly.

"I know, theyíve lost weight from running the fence. It canít be helped with them right up against the pasture the girls are in," I try to explain.

He clears his throat, "Well, 15 minutes is much too far to drive extra, unlessÖ" he waits for me to add something about the price.

"Much to far," I agree wholeheartedly. "Iím sure if you check around in your area you can find something cheaper."

Most the time telephone conversations about goats are enjoyable. Someone calls up politely asking for help and I spill my whole goat guts to them. No secret left untold. Iím a sucker for politeness. Iíll run off info, mail them things, and talk to them several times to help, if I can. What goat person doesnít love to talk about goats?

The computer age has brought a whole new way to talking about goats, emails, loads of emails. People politely asking a goat question or two. I try to help, sending my favorite websites of goat learning. A few times I have received short, sharp sounding emails with requests such as, "I am starting a commercial enterprise and need all the information you have ever learned in the past, present, and future on raising commercial goats. It needs to be written in a clear concise way, no ramblings, with page numbers, index, and table of content for easy looking up of any info I need. It needs to be sent by first thing in the morning because I am planning on starting to fence my land. Do not forget the chapter on fencing. I plan to have the fencing done on my one acre by evening for the 600 goats I will be purchasing."

I feel a tremor come over my finger. What?! A muscle spasm in my finger has inadvertently caused me to delete the message! Iíve lost the personís email address! How will I ever answer and help this poor novice?! We all must bear some heartbreak in life and Iíll just have to adapt over this one. Besides, I hear the phone ringing.

THE END

 

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