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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
Margaret Shackles
Web Site PARCMAWR
E-mail mwshackles@ddol-las.fsnet.co.uk

Editor's Note: Those of us in the "colonies" sometimes forget that our ability to improvise comes from our mother countries. This submission from Ms. Margaret Shackles of the United Kingdom provides us with solutions that we may not have considered.
This will most likely be the final boergoats.com article for the year 2001. "We wish you and yours a holiday full of peaceful moments"!

GOAT TRANSPORTS OF DELIGHT
by
Margaret Shackles

Reliant We've never been very well off ("What goatkeeper is?" I hear you ask), so our transports have always been a bit down-market. For years we ran a series of Reliants. For the uninitiated, these are little three-wheelers with one wheel at the front and two at the back; their weight is limited to 8 cwt., they have a 700 cc engine, the bodywork is made from fibreglass and the whole thing is a very practical and economical way of getting around. Mostly, we had the van version which has a loadspace around 3ft x 4ft. A Reliant van was our transport when we first took to keeping goats 30-odd years ago, so there was no question of having anything else to move our goats around. The first time I plucked up the courage to enter Annabelle, our firstborn milker, for a proper show, of course we went in the Reliant.

Dairy goat shows in the UK take a night and a day, because we have a 24 hour milking competition. You have to get to the show site an hour before 'Milking Out' on the evening before the show; the goats are milked, checked to see they are truly empty by stewards called 'strippers' and then installed in individual pens. There they must stay for the duration of the show, except when they are in the ring for judging in the inspection classes. The next stage is 'Full udder inspection' at crack of dawn the next morning, so that the judge can see what the udder looks like when full and whether the teats leak under pressure; this is followed by the first milking, during which stewards patrol to see you aren't doing anything illegal to enhance you goat's milk production. The buckets of milk are weighed, samples taken for analysis and then everyone, goats included, has breakfast. Judging proper commences around 10 a.m. with all the milkers classes, followed by the goatlings (yearlings) and kids. Best in Show is chosen and then we all collapse for a while, because it's been a long, hard day after, usually, a pretty hectic evening before! The second milking takes place to end 24 hours after the previous night's stripping, milk is weighed and sampled again. Generally, there are prizes for 'Highest Yield on the Day', first kidders, goats running through and so on, but the real results of the competition are not known until the milk samples have been analysed for butterfat and protein content. A complicated formula involving these figures, time elapsed since kidding and weight of milk go to make an answer in points, the highest number of points being the winner.

But I digress - back to the transport. You'll appreciate that not only do you have to equip your goat for an overnight stay, with all the goodies to encourage her to milk well and be happy, but you have to be kitted out similarly yourself. You can imagine, therefore, how crowded it might become in a Reliant three-wheeler with the goat in the back and all your overnight gear in the front. I well remember the journey to that first show - me with just room to drive the thing and Annabelle, who was quite a rangy sort of goat, standing in the back with her head resting on my shoulder for about 65 miles! That was the occasion, too, when I discovered the delight of living in the pen next door to your favourite goat!

Eventually, we used another Reliant chassis to build a trailer to go behind the van, which made a bit more room for everything. However, when it came to travelling stud jobs, it was easier to put the billy in the back of the van. Many a mile we travelled with a smelly fellow at close quarters; mostly they behaved well and sat down for the ride. One male we had on loan was not so good on the return journey, having got a bit over-excited while doing his job. As soon as you put him back in the van, he would whip round and bash the back door. It was only fibreglass and had a window, so we feared for the door and the goat. I contrived an 'arrester wire' like they have on aircraft carriers, consisting of a chain and hook tied to the front seat frames and threaded through the wire mesh partition. As he jumped in, you had to swiftly hook his collar up, so that when he turned round for the big bash, his head couldn't reach the door!

As our goatkeeping expanded, so did our transport. While we still had a Reliant for domestic use, for the goats we had a rather boringly practical 1˝ ton Ford with a horsebox body; eventually it began to fall apart, though, and we had to look around for a replacement.

One day our local newspaper had an item about some retired ambulances which were being sold for scrap by the local hospital authority because their wheels fell off. An enterprising car dealer had bought them all and was selling them on as campers. "One of those," I said, "would make an ideal goat-mobile. Let's go and have a look." By the time we had a buyer for the Ford, all the ambulances had been sold, with the exception of a long wheelbase one which had been an accident ambulance. The Sea Scouts had been going to buy it, but their parents objected because of the wheel problem, so we were able to acquire it ourselves.

As I drove this great, ponderous machine home, I wondered whether I had done the right thing, but once I got used to the different feel of the Bedford I began to enjoy driving it. As an animal transport it was almost ideal. It had a particularly good automatic gearbox which made the gear changing much smoother than the manual ones we'd had previously. This was a good thing for the climb up the very steep hill out of our valley, as the animals no longer fell over when you changed down into bottom gear.

The floor area was about 6 ft x 11˝ ft, palatial after the Reliants; we made a pen to go in the front part; it had sides which were low wooden hurdles with tying-up places at intervals, two stout timbers across the back and a folding table as the front. The goats travelled in this part on a plastic sheet with sawdust and straw on top. The ambulance had brown tinted windows which stopped the onlookers from seeing in (except at night when the lights were on, so we had to make it some curtains), but allowed the goats to look out. All the equipment (known in the goat fraternity as 'clobber') went in the bit behind the pen. The fittings included two full height cupboards at the back, a sliding door between the cab and the back and a hole behind the driver's head which had been a window, but was handy for talking to the animals as we went along.

On arrival at a show, the clobber would have to come out first - it was an encouragement to get it all unloaded quickly as the goats would be all fidgeting about waiting to be unloaded. Between the double doors at the back were a pair of folding steps which the goats would skip up and down in fine style. Later, the Regulations for Vehicles Carrying Animals were changed and we had to have a ramp. We duly made one half the width of the steps so that we could walk up the steps leading the goats up the ramp. The only goat ever injured getting in or out of our ambulance was one who got a black eye hitting it on the door post while trying to avoid going up the ramp! After that we carried the ramp to be legal and went back to using the steps.

As you'll no doubt have realised, the beauty of all this was that, having unloaded goats and paraphernalia, you had an excellent camper, complete with table and storage for food and clothes, to live in for the duration of the show. Many a good party did we have in the ambulance in the good old days! We repainted it in British Toggenburg brown and white, changed the illuminated sign on the roof of the cab to read GOATS and got as far as signwriting the nearside PARCMAWR AND GONGOOZLER GOATS, but we never did get the offside done (in the UK, where we drive on the left, at least the people on the sidewalk knew who we were!) All this had the advantage that we could always be picked out in the crowd at a show.

Of course, time went by and eventually we decided that we could no longer afford the running costs of this monster so we replaced it with a car and trailer. I couldn't bear to part with my dear old friend, though, so I parked it in the corner of our yard, where it remains to this day. The cab is used as a store for all my show clobber, but the main body is now the studio where I go to have a quiet painting session when time permits. Now it no longer has to move, we've wired it into the domestic electricity supply, so it now has a heater and radio/cassette player to keep me entertained as I work on the next 'masterpiece'!

By the way, we never had any trouble with wheels falling off during all the time the Bedford was on the road, except for the time when a garage mechanic didn't tighten one of them up properly after changing a tyre. Even then it didn't fall off, only made wobbly noises!

END


 

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