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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

LETTERS FROM THE FARM
By Connie S. Reynolds

autumnfarmsboers.com
Lee & Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

I suddenly realized the other day that it had been a good while since I had written any letters to the relatives. Working a farm can do that, keeping you out of touch of loved ones far away. I just thought it extremely odd none of the relatives had complained about not receiving my very informative and enlightening farm news. The relatives are just too polite, knowing how important my time is, to complain about not hearing from me, I decided.

So, here goes, a long awaited letter to our relatives, with a few notes to help you write your own relative letter.

Dear Favorite Relative, (they love it when you say that)

How are you? We are fine. (Notice the flow of the letter, how well it moves along here.) The surgery on my hand wasnít too awfully bad and I decided after eight weeks that maybe I wasnít going to die after all. I did find out that I was sensitive to certain drugs given after a surgery. This is a good thing to know in case you have to have another surgery, in spite of the fact I said Iíd shoot myself before ever having surgery again.

I made a list of the drugs I was sensitive to and at the top of the list is the D drug, with a star beside it. I canít quite remember the name, except it started with a D. I woke up from surgery with a nurse hysterically flitting around my bed, screaming, "You quit breathing!! You are sensitive to D!"

Noting that this could be important I wrote down D and when I see that nurse again I will ask her to repeat the name of the drug so I can finish spelling it. Oh, and to also thank her for noticing that I had quit breathing.

Howís the hand now, you ask? Well, I have found that the doctor was more then considerate, realizing that I was a farmer, and shaped my hand into a hook. He must have understood the need on the farm for a hook. I can snag hay bales easily now and let a goat go flying by and my hook hand has them in no time. Now if he could have only made my arm longer I could really snatch those goats that are far away.

Only one problem with my new hook hand is signing my name. I canít seem to grip a pen just right for all the fancy curves of name writing, but I have discovered that a scribbled X is accepted by everyone. And, if I want to write my middle initial, I just jot down two Xís. The letter X is a mighty letter and like the Master Card, will be accepted the world around.

Yes, we finally got our winter firewood in, I know you all must have been worried about that. Lee is still hand splitting the firewood, in spite of people calling us the "old fuddy duddies", since we are at that older adult stage in our lives. One morning after splitting a manure spreader load of wood he had cut the day before, Lee just laid in bed. I came back an hour later and he was still there.

"You okay?" I asked sincerely, feeling a bit guilty that I had forgotten about him lying there.

"I canít move," he groaned.

"Whatís wrong? Did I tuck the sheets in too tight again?" I asked.

"Too sore to get up," he whispered. "Even my toe nails hurt."

"What? I canít hardly hear you. Speak up," I shouted, still feeling sensitive to his pain.

"Canít. My lips even hurt," he whispered.

Dear Favorite Relative, to tell the truth I had to ponder a while over this new turn of events. Lee was too sore to get the rest of our firewood in! I, I mean, we would freeze this winter!

I finally made the ultimate sacrifice, "Want to go buy a wood splitter?"

Personally, I think he jumped out of bed a tad faster then what he should have if he had been in the pain he said he was in. But, I tend to have a suspicious nature. We bought a wood splitter that same day and Lee went back to joyfully cutting firewood, while I ran the splitter and split and loaded what he cut. He kept looking over at me, grinning fondly, with a bit of sentimental moisture around his eyes, a true look of love. Then, I realized he was looking at the new wood splitter. Well, I have to admit, it was new and shiny, worked without complaining, and never stopping. I was falling in love with it myself.

How are the nephews, you ask? Finest bunch of boys youíd ever want to meet. Never whimpered or complained once when I called up and invited them out to our famous annual goat barn cleaning. Of course, they knew that I knew every nook and cranny where they could hide, so just gave up like real men and came out to help their old auntie and uncle.

They worked like real troopers, never complaining about the heat. Just kept that goat manure flying into the old manure spreader and every now then all over each other when someone made too sharp a comment on missing the manure spreader with a forkful.

And, boy, did I feed them. You have to remember I was working with just one hand at the time since it was right after my hand surgery. I didnít have the nifty hooked hand I have now. But, I still whipped up a venison stew that they would long remember. Have you ever noticed the color of the lid of the garlic bottle is almost the same color as the ginger spice bottle? Well, I say that a good dose of accidental ginger in the venison stew never did anyone any harm and it made a nice conversation piece at the dinner table.

I tried to explain this new spice in my stew was because being one handed it couldnít be helped. Lee kindly pointed out that it was because I hadnít put on my glasses, so took the blame away from my newly sewed on hand. Thoughty of him.

It was good to have the dinner table full again with dirty faced, pungent smelling men. They insisted on washing their hands before eating, even though I did comment on the time and that it was getting late and they had a few more loads to get out of the barn.

The nephews regaled us with tales of their youthful experiences as they ate their ginger venison stew. One of the nephews had decided one day to go with two of his buddies and run the single lane country back roads just to see where they went. While going up one road they came upon a big black snake lying across the road with no way for them to get around him. They didnít want to run over the snake so they thought they would help move him along. One of the boys, being deathly afraid of snakes, decided to stay in the truck.

So, the nephew and his friend got out, trying to decide how to encourage the happily sunning snake across the road. His friend decided the best thing to do was to pick the snake up and move it. But, he didnít particularly relish the idea of picking a snake up, so he grabbed it by its tail and did a flip with it to toss it across the road.

Unbeknown to him, the snake was in the process of shedding its skin. When he picked it up by the tail and gave it a snap to get it across the road, the snake snapped out of its old skin, over his shoulder, and in through the truck window with the friend that was terrified of snakes. The friend shot out of that truck like he had been shot out of a cannon and blames them to this day that they did that on purpose.

Lee and I chuckled over the tale. Kids. As they get older theyíll learn to check for that shedding skin before chucking a snake off the road.

Well, I have rattled on long enough. I must close now and put on my track shoes and go grain the goats. If I run it just right, I might get all the grain in the feeders before they tackle me and take the bucket away.

You all take care and remember if you ever want to come and visit, the best times are when we are loading hay into the barn, doing the annual goat barn cleaning, worming the herd of goats, or... Well, I guess itís just about any time. Weíll keep you entertained so you never get bored.

From Your Other Favorite Relative,

Connie

THE END

 

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