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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
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GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
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KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

UNCLE ARTHUR VISITS THE FARM
By Connie S. Reynolds

autumnfarmsboers.com
Lee & Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

The other morning the alarm went off at 5 a.m. and Lee jumped out of bed and briskly got ready to go out and feed. This is our usual routine to get up at 5 a.m. and do the feeding first before we have breakfast. I rolled out of bed and stood up. Well, at least I tried to stand up. My back refused to straighten itself out. I stood there, bent, studying my feet, thinking "Ouch."

I heard Lee rummaging around downstairs, putting wood in the wood stove, and then heard him bounding back up the stairs and come back into the room where I was imitating an upside down U.

"Whatís wrong?" he asked. "Something wrong with your feet?" He bent over and studied my feet also.

"I canít straighten up my back," I testily answered back.

He is the most understanding and compassionate of the two of us. "How you going to tell who you are feeding bent over like that?" he asked, perplexed.

"Iíll manage," I growled and tippy toed down the hallway to keep from jarring my back. Taking the stairs was a different matter. I had never studied stairs so carefully as I inched my way down.

The goats were highly suspicious of me that morning. They thought I was trying to sneak up on them in a new disguise. Soon as I poured grain out in the feeders they instantly forgave me. In fact, they liked the new me. They knew where I was at at all times. They kept hearing, "Ouch, ouch, ouch." And, they could easily push me around. That was very entertaining for them.

Mom and dad just laughed at me. "Welcome to the club, the Uncle Arthur club." Thatís their affectionate name for arthritis. Well, I can tell you, heís no welcome relative of mine. Since they said the same thing to me when my knees started doing strange things, like locking up in the middle of going up or down the stairs, Iíve discovered a magic word that almost cures it. Ibuprofen. Thatís right, ibuprofen, or Advil. It has magical ingredients in it that almost takes the pain away and gives you better movement in the attacking joint. After taking the magical substance, I was almost standing straight my noon. Amazing stuff.

Another magical potion is a rub-on with capsaicin in it. As I understand it, this capsaicin is a red-hot chili pepper. Hottest pepper on the face of this planet, Iíll attest to that. Rub it on the offending joint or spot and you think someone has put a branding iron to you. Not only that, if you go out and work the goats or do chores and start sweating, watch out. You think someone has set you on fire, only you canít see the flames. This special potion may be the most potent of all pain relievers of Uncle Arthur. Just thinking about it and I get instantly cured and donít need to use it.

One thing Iíve noticed is that when you get arthritis in your knees, your knees develop eyes. No, I donít mean eyeballs and eyelashes kind of eyes. Itís the kind of eyes where they see and know when something is going to hurt them. Take walking up the stairs or a hill that you are use to doing a dozen times a day. Your knees look at the hill or stairs and says (Oh, I forgot they start talking to you too), "Do you really need to go up those stairs? Do you really need to go down those stairs? Couldnít you just this one time not do it? How about walking around the hill instead of over it. Itíll only take a day or two."

Or, the knees start noticing the heights of goats. You keep hearing from your knees, "Hey! Watch out! That kid is knee level. If he bumps into you itís going to hurt me and Iíll let you know just how bad it hurts. I wonít let you live it down. Hey! Thereís another one! Canít you raise shorter kids?"

Since the visitation of Uncle Arthur, I have learned new defenses. For instance, a different walk. When you stand up to take a step and your knees start screaming at you to take it easy, you canít just suddenly stop. The momentum has already started, you have to take the next step or fall on your face. If you hurt your face then Uncle Arthur may come to visit your face someday and no one wants that. Itís hard enough to look dignified while trying to raise goats without your face ouching in pain every time you try to sell a goat.

So, Iíve developed a very distinct walk to protect my knees. Itís a rolling, rocking from side to side, with a limp thrown in type of walk. Plus, until you get the kinks worked out of your knees, you add words to your walk. "Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch," works well for me. Hey, have you ever seen the movie "The Planet of the Apes"? Saw how the apes walked and on the DVDs they showed the Ape school the actors had to go to in order to learn that walk? Shoot, they should have just asked me. I had that walk down long before those people even thought of reproducing that movie again.

When I was perfecting my new walk, Lee asked why on earth I was walking that way. Being a smart alec, I told him it was my new sexy walk. He informed me I had better work on it more.

So now, with the help of my new "eyes" and my joints being able to talk to me, I have learned to protect myself. The knees will shout in the mornings, "All right. All right. Now, letís not get in a rush about this. Take one step on these stairs at a time. Have you ever considered demolishing this house and building one without stairs?" Or, "What?!! You actually think you can chase that kid down? Well, youíve got another thought coming, gal. Iím not about to chase no kid down."

Then the back is chiming in with, "Hold on now. Hold on. You want me to pick up that 65 pound bale and throw it over there? Youíre joking, right? Youíre just trying to get me to laugh. Youíre a card all right. How about this, cut the strings on that bale and carry over a couple of flakes at a time. Howís that? Iím sure those lazy, no good, worthless knees of your can still do that."

"I heard that!" the knees say.

Lee says, "Ready to go down to the other barn and feed?"

"Shhhhhhh. Canít you see Iím having a conversation here?" I answer.

THE END


 

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