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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
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GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
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GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
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GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
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HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
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I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
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LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
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M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
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MR. SNUFFY
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MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
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PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
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PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
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PLOP
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PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
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RECORD KEEPING
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REFEREE
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ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
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SECRET AGENT
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SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
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SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
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SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
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STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
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SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
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THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
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UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

RAISING SMART GOATS
by
Connie S. Reynolds

This is something I try never to do, raise smart goats. Iím not saying Iím trying to raise really really dumb goats. Just sort of dumb goats. And, it hasnít worked yet, but Iím still trying.

I want a goat that will forget you were the one who drenched them with medication or wormer. I want a goat that will forget you are the one that gives shots. I want a goat that takes several seconds to realize what a feed bucket is so you can get a head start to the feeders and get the grain in, or, at least be able to escape out of the field with an empty feed bucket. I want a goat who doesnít notice holes in the fence or even notices that we have neighbors with gardens.

I want a goat who doesnít even think about sticking itís head through the smallest opening possible and getting stuck. Or, possibly, this is a physical thing. The goat sticks itís head through a super tiny opening, a chemical reaction starts, and the goatís head just triples in size so that there is no way on earth you can get the same head back through the opening that the goat had originally stuck its head through.

I want a goat that accepts things as being there without having to investigate it. Like seeing a poisonous snake. I want a dumb goat that does not feel the need to stick its face down to get a closer look at the snake. I want a goat that does not feel the need to cross a fallen tree that is hanging out over a small cliff in mid air. Or, feel the need to stick its face in the viciously growling dogís food bowl. Thatís the dog growling, not the food bowl.

I have this fear that if goats keep getting smart that they will be the ones getting you down to worm you because they think you look a little off. Or, give you shots to protect you against diseases, or get you down and trim up your toe nails. Or, pick out your boyfriend or girlfriend. So, itís very important that goats canít figure out what is going on so everything will be a surprise and you can still sneak up on them and catch them and do their doctoring.

I guess I am trying to breed for selective dumbness. I want them smart enough to get in out of the rain, to remember where the barn is, to come when I call, to remember the electric fence is hot, and to remember that I am boss doe in the herd. But, so far my project Dumb Breeding Program hasnít worked.

I donít like it when the goats can figure things out. Iím keeping my eye on two young girls in particular. Usually when any of our kids get diarrhea, itís like they donít notice their green behind or remember what happens when you get diarrhea. They donít remember you get doctored. Except for one little girl. The herd of weaned girls ran up to meet us at the fence one morning to say Hello, except for one girl who stayed way in the background. She didnít act sick; she just stood there watching us intently.

Lee stepped into the field; she turned, running screaming back to the barn. Thatís when we saw her departing green behind. She knew she had diarrhea, she knew you got doctored when you got diarrhea, and she knew she didnít like the doctoring. She had all the steps figured out with diarrhea. Just her even noticing she had diarrhea was pretty amazing, but remembering all the steps that went with the diarrhea. Well, the hair rose up on the back of my neck. I knew I would have to keep an eye on that one.

Another doe Iíve got marked for a closer watch is a solid white purebred. Thank goodness sheís solid white or Iíd never remember which one to watch. I was telling Lee one day, while standing in the weaned does field, that this year we would downsize the young herd by selling the wild kids. I hadnít had time to tame everyone down and dealing with a bunch of wild kids is just too time consuming and hard on the knees chasing them down.

This particular white purebred doe was standing nearby while I was saying this. She had always been a wild kid from day one of her birth. And Iím not joking; she turned and walked to me to get petted. This is one of the smart ones, I thought with a shiver.

In the past weíve had many other smart one from different breeds of goats. I remember one small herd of weaned Angora wethers. To give the little guys a treat, I let them in our large backyard to play and do the trimming around the fence. They also liked to take running leaps off our back porch and chase each other. Our screened patio door is a simple door with a magnet that keeps it closed when the door is slid shut. Lee and I went down to the barn to clean out stalls and a couple of hours later we came up to hear something like thunder rumbling through our house. Standing outside the house listening intently, we couldnít figure it out until the rumbling sound started sounding like small hooves.

Oh no! Yes, the little guys had figured out almost immediately how to get inside the house using the sliding patio screen door and they had been in there almost the whole time we were down at the barn. And, you think cats are bad for getting on furniture and counter tops. Letís just say it took quite a bit of carpet cleaning and vacuuming to get barn smell out of the house. Needless to say, I was glad those boys were wethered so they couldnít pass their smarts onto their offspring.

So, what if you are really trying to raise smart goats, what do you do? Well, you simply decide that you are brave and not afraid of a mutiny on your farm where the goats take over and tell you that to do, what your schedule is, when you can take your vacations, how to build their fence, what kind of barn they need, what kind of food is best for them to eat, what to do to keep them healthy and happy ... Hmmmmm I think they have already done it, folks. Theyíve outsmarted us.

THE END

 

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