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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Lee & Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

The really neat thing about goats, or is it the really "cool" thing? I know Iíve been told that "groovy" is not the word to use anymore. Anyway, the great thing about goats is that they donít need batteries. They are usually easy to find, hard to lose, and all you have to do is shake the grain bucket to locate them.

I was thinking of this the other day when I lost my portable phone. I could have sworn I had it right here with me but it was no where in sight. People must do this regularly because the base of these portable phones has a little pager button. When I first bought a portable phone I noticed this pager button and I thought it was pretty dumb. I mean, I donít have an intercom system throughout the farm to page anyone on.

When I first lost the phone, thatís when I realized what the pager button is for. Itís to make that sneaky portable phone beep when it goes into hiding. Only thing is, some phones beep three times and you are suppose to be able to find them in that amount of time. All I can say is, people who built those phones must not range as far afield as I do, because that phone could be about anywhere on the farm. I was constantly having to run back to the base of the phone, punch the pager button, perk my ears up real sharp, and be ready to go at a dead run if I heard that phone beep one of itís three times.

Finally I got smart and bought a portable phone that beeped constantly when you punched the pager button. Now I can find that phone anywhere, because itís not going to shut-up until you do find it.

Now if only the cell phones were this way. Lee and I lost the cell phone for two days once. We looked everywhere and I even cleaned out the refrigerator searching for it because you never know, it could have wanted a snack. I even went through the freezer, checking out all the ice cream cartons. And a good thing I did too. There were a couple of cartons of ice cream that would have gone bad in several months. Lucky I noticed that. Lee and I were even crawling around the house with flashlights looking under all the furniture and several times got seriously frightened by some over sized dust bunnies.

We checked every place in triplicate because we figured the cell phone was good at camouflaging itself. Now with a cell phone, there is no pager button to punch to make it let you know where it is hiding. It just stays quiet and giggles as you walk by in its little cell phone giggle that canít be heard by the human ear. And, when its battery runs low it doesnít set there and beep that itís hungry. It just smugly goes dead.

With a healthy goat, you never have to worry about losing it. Sure, it might decide to go on a visit to the neighbors, but even then the neighbors will let out a holler where the goat is. Or if the goat gets on the wrong side of the fence or gate and wants to come home, it will beller until someone notices it. A goatís batteries never run down.

If your goats are like our goats you always have a bunch of talkers in the group. They let you know if they are out of hay, if itís suppertime, if itís raining, if itís snowing, if a bird just flew over head, or to even tattle tale on each other. Every day someone butts someone and that injured party turns and bawls the attacker out, doesn't butt back, but just stands there and screams, "What did you do that for?!! You wait 'till I tell Connie! Sheíll give you what for!" So you basically always know where your goats are.

Now, if you do have a "quiet" herd that just might go missing on you, I always put a collar and bell on the boss does and that way I know where everyone is. You can hear them sneaking into a field they arenít suppose to be in. I keep picturing them trying to hold onto the bell with a little hoof, trying to muffle the sound. And the others turning on them, "If you canít be quiet, weíre not taking you!" Or even the bell wearer shouting, " What? I canít hear you! Iíve nearly gone deaf wearing this bell all the time!" Either way, you are going to be able to find that "quiet" herd.

Another nice thing about being able to find the goats. You have a secret weapon, the feed bucket. A goat in the know, cannot resist the feed bucket. Shake that feed bucket and they come running. Hopefully you can stay ahead of the herd while shaking the bucket or you are going to get little hoof marks all over your body. Football players could learn from goats. Goats are the best tacklers Iíve ever seen. I think during football training season that the coach should give the players, one at a time, a bucket of grain out on the field and turn a herd of goats loose on them. I guarantee faster running times, better dodging abilities, new techniques of tackling, and improved wind capacity, and I bet the football players improve also. Or, they are going to have little hoof prints all over their bodies. Those sharp little hooves can find all the places the football pads do not meet properly.

Forget that movie, "Dances with Wolves". A newer and more exciting movie called , "Running with Goats," should be made. Or possibly the movie "Loudness of Kids" instead of the "Silence of Lambs." You think that movie was scary, try carrying a feed bucket out to locate your weaned kids. Such screaming. And the kids are loud too, chasing after you trying to catch the feed bucket.

No, thank goodness, goats never run down, you never need batteries, and you can always locate them. Okay, Iíve got to go. I believe I can almost make it to the feed pans without them noticing. Their "look-out" goat for the herd has just walked out of sight of the house and I have the feed bucket hid by the gate. Nope, lucky us, they canít be lost for even a couple of minutes. Hope the gate is unlatched, Iíll only have a couple of minutes to either run through or leap over the gate and get the feed out. Yep, thank goodness we never lose our goats for a minute. Rats.

THE END


 

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