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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
MR. SNUFFY
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

How many times have you taken someone out to show off one of your favorite goats and have found that goat in one type of mess or another? For example, a fellow dropped by to look at our older buck, Texas Joe. He had been really impressed with what he had seen from the road and wanted a closer look.

Proudly I took this fellow out to Texas Joeís buck pen. There stood Texas Joe in all his glory, humped up like he was near death, nose running like a faucet, tail down, lifting up weary eyes as he blew bubbles out his nose, wheezing loudly.

What on earth!!! That morning Joe had been barreling around his pen, chasing his favorite livestock guard dog, Baby, his very best bud, just having a wonderful time. Not needing a hanky, not wheezing, so full of himself I thought he was going to sail right over the fence.

After my visitor had left, I charged back to the pen to see if I could give Joe last rites or anything. There Joe was, nose cleared up, eyes clear, tail curled up tight, sneaking around his buck building to catch Baby unawares, while Baby was sneaking the other way trying to catch Joe unawares.

I stood there dumbfounded. What had just happened here? I guess he must have just plowed through some old dust or a patch of ragweed to get that horrible reaction going that I had just showed off to my visitor. Iím sure it left a lasting impression to that visitorís mind as it had in mine.

Or, how about showing off some favorite kids to visitors. Thatís always a winner. Usually they have gone out to graze, fat, frisky, white coats gleaming, red heads shining. You take the visitors out to see these very wonderful kids. You call the kids down off the hills. They come running in complete abandoned, healthy, happy, and squirting green stuff all the way down the hill. Evidently they had found a particularly lush patch of brush.

They went out slick, happy, shiny, only the slickness this time is their green, runny behinds as they run circles around the visitors, showing off. I just shake my head. Wouldnít you know?

Or, how about the time people ask you if you keep a healthy herd and they want to walk out and see them? Proudly I go marching out with my visitors. Yep, there they are. One of the healthiest herds in the whole area. Happily you and the visitors stare at such a wonderful sight. Just then a fat and shiny doe walks behind the visitors and starts coughing like she smokes 4 packs of cigarettes a day. What can you say? Youíre cutting her back on her cigarettes?

Someone drops by saying they had a terrible time with footrot last year and wants to see how my herd is doing. I say just fine, hadnít had a bit of trouble. We walk out into the herd. Up walks a doe that is barely hobbling, limping so bad on a right front that you fear she is going to fall over with the next step. After the people make a hurried departure, you go back to check on the doe. Stuck between her two "toes", lengthwise, is a big stick, wedged in tightly. I work it out and she goes happily trotting off. I just sigh. What can you do?

Or, how about, people showing up in fancy clean clothes wanting to see the kids in the weaning pen. Insisting on going in and walking among them to check them over for future buys. They go in the pen expecting the kids to stay well back because, after all, they are strangers. Goats donít usually care much for strangers. Soon as they step into the pen, my kids charge them. Thrilled beyond words that they have visitors. The kids run through every goat berry, every bit of mud, anything else that looks particularly squishy and then jump on the visitors in great joy. The visitors escape looking greatly smeared, soiled, and whole-heartedly loved on by my baby goats. They ask for a water hose to hose themselves down before they get into the car. I never could teach my kids manners, such as, "sit", "stay", "no". By the way, thatís why I look the way I look if anyone should drop by. Clean clothes do not last long around here.

You think you are starting to get business smart about your goat business and you immediately fix up your sale list and advertise it early in the season. This is right after youíve taken the kids off the mothers. The mothers have put their very all into producing milk to produce fat healthy kids and they look like walking scarecrows, you could hang your hat on their hip bones. They are slick and healthy but very thin from kid raising. But, you figure since it is so early in the season that you have at least a month to get them over raising kids, get some more weight on them, so you put the sale ad in and advertise them. After all, itís is way too early for people to be buying goats, you just want them to start thinking goats. You guessed it. As soon as the ad hits the stand, people are calling, people are coming out, you are writhing in shame of your healthy skinny girls. Oh, wretched goat breeder that I am, when will I ever learn? All good plans always go astray.

And, there thereís the time when a young couple dropped by wanting to take pictures of my magnificent bucks. They honestly had the most expensive camera equipment Iíd ever seen, outside of a sale ad. They were the up and coming Yuppie movement; young, rich, and an exciting world lay ahead of them. They just didnít realize how exciting it could be.

We headed out to the older buckís pen to see some mature muscles. What meets us is a buck that is smelling to high heavens who immediately strikes up a pose and starts urinating on his legs, his face, hosing down the ground all around him. His handsome blazed face is turning more yellow from urine then usual and he tops it all off by making a horrid face and curling up his upper lip. Yep, nothing like a magnificent Boer buck. What can you say?

The good looking Yuppie couple almost fall over themselves getting out of there, muttering something about seeing some cute babies in another field and taking their pictures. All the time the kids had been watching and running through goat berries, mud, and anything squishy, waiting for the young couple to approach. Thereís nothing like showing off your goats.

THE END


 

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