ODE TO BUCK COLOGNE
Connie S. Reynolds
The other morning I was walking down the hill and took in a big breath of fresh country air and started coughing. I had made the mistake of taking in a big breathe of air beside the buck pen. After wiping my streaming eyes and getting away from the pen to catch my breath again, I felt a poetic mood overtake me. A poem needed to be written about these noble stinking beasts, rhythming every other last word in the line in the pentameter (that means paragraph if my 8th grade English memory serves me right). And, since I fully believe my goats are poetry in motion, I thought I was the one to do this. Of course, you have to realize my brain is full of buck fumes.
What is that fragrance wafting through the crisp country air?
The smell strong enough to take the paint off a barn?
Makes once happy birds falter and drop in mid air,
Also making visitors hold noses and cover faces with an arm.
No one around here wants to be caught with their mouths wide open,
Not when the farm bucks are out walking round,
Proudly throwing strong scent that stretches from pen to pen.
As does call out to the buck hunks in loud doe sounds.
The sad truth to the matter is that my nose is quite numb,
Not registering the buck fragrance until late in the season.
People look at me as if I'm quite dumb
As I walk past buck pens and the bucks look up with good reason.
Because I march over and carry their feed, their grain, their hay
And bravely scratch their backs and sometimes bring them girlfriends.
To get near these big stinking bucks people think me quite fey.
Because buck smell on you is near permanent, but it does pick out true friends.
Only a true friend can stand beside you,
With tears streaming from the strength of that aroma from you with buck fragrance.
Tears welling up in their eyes as they get downwind of your buck and you.
A true friend not once mentions your bucks' and your rankness.
A buck truly thinks that he smells quite sweet,
Because all the does swoon as he marches close by.
Plus, I brag on him and tell him his kids are a treat.
So he throws out that strong smell, not all being shy.
I have found buck cologne to be very useful.
It opens up head colds in 10 seconds flat.
That head cold can be a great blessing if we are quite truthful,
It frees the one with queasy stomachs to give the buck a big pat.
And I have to admit that during their times of high aroma,
That only the most dedicated of visitors come calling.
Salesmen or people with pamphlets don't come roaming,
If only the scent was on telephone lines to stop marketers from calling!
Watching the regally stinking buck march through his home pen,
Stopping a minute to hose down his face and legs.
Afterwards lifting up yellowed face and curled lip, you then
Have thoughts of putting up signs of X ratings on large pegs.
Just as a warning for adult innocent eyes.
Also from keeping hard questions from children,
Answered by desperate parents with hands that just fly,
As they push their small questioners to the car on the run.
Oh that wonderful, wonderful, buck on the farm,
Let me count the uses of all your rank cologne.
Hmmmm, let me see, it does seem to lack charm,
Well, I guess you are just stuck with it on the buck that you own.
Frequent bathings may not help your great buck,
But, it makes being around you a bit more bearable.
I've heard that washing in toothpaste may work with a little luck,
And stores will give you case discounts to make at least you more sociable!