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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
"G G"
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

I have finally realized that there is something basically wrong with me. I know, I know, Iím a goat farmer. What do I expect? I suppose people have to be a little "tetched" in the head to be happy being a goat farmer, but this is different. I have developed a split personality. When I brought this idea up to Lee about my split personality, for some reason he wasnít a bit surprised.

Usually I am known as good old Connie, kind to all Godís creatures, including mankind, er, people kind. Generous to a fault, give you her last plug nickel, will go to great lengths to be patient and understanding. But, lately I am noticing "G G" (Grouchy Gus) appearing. By the way, "G G" prefers to have her name sound French, and since she is the way she is, I go along with her. After all, I am good old Connie.

I think "G G" appeared several years ago when we bought a herd of Angora goats. They were a wild bunch of hooligans. You could only get near them if you had a bucket of grain in your hand. And there was one in particular that had it all figured out. She wanted that grain but she didnít want you. So, the way she figured it was to stand back and take a running go and butt that grain bucket out of your hand just as hard as she could so the bucket and grain went flying. Grain going everywhere, scaring the living daylights out of the previous grain bucket holder, and then she would run around scarfing up the grain off the ground. She had it all figured out.

Since the Angoras were all white, it was really hard to figure out which doe was doing this. I wouldnít have been a bit surprised if they all were taking turns doing it, but fortunately that wasnít the case. We narrowed it down to one girl and while she had her sights set on my grain bucket one day, Lee grabbed her and we put a collar and bell on her. That way we would at least always hear her coming. To this day I have a slight fear of bells. If she even thought you had something she might want, sheíd take a running go and try to butt it out of your hands. Hearing a bell far off coming closer, and closer, and closer, and knowing that you are probably the target, well, Iím hyperventilating right now.

Thatís when "G G" first appeared, I believe. Because Iím sure I was extremely sweet up until that time. I was standing there with a grain bucket in my hands one day and heard the bell. Just in time I lifted the grain bucket and this white Angora doe flew by ringing loudly. Without even hesitating, I gave a good solid kick to the retreating goat fanny. Well, it pretty much surprised us both. Where did that come from? The belled doe never tried her "butt the grain bucket" trick again and I made a promised to myself that I would never hit another innocent creature again. But, of course, at that time I had turned into good old Connie to be so repentant and had made the promise to her.

On another day I was in the young bucksí pen haying everyone. There was this one particular buck kid that had matured much faster then the other boys. The other boys were walking around saying, "Iím Connieís babies." But, this one particular boy was saying, "Iím boss. I can take her any day." That particular day while I was petting and hugging the 6 mo. old bucks, that particular buck reared back and went for me. Whites showing around his eyes, he whacked me several times below the knee and then put his head into my leg and started pushing for all he was worth to make me leave the pen. I was speechless, at least good old Connie was. Then suddenly something came over me. I reached down, grabbed front and back on the opposite side legs and flipped him to his side. Then I took my foot and stood on his neck just enough to keep him from getting up. He was helpless. He could only lie there.

The other buck kids stood around us in a circle with big wide eyes, not knowing what to do. I called them over and petted them, but made the obnoxious little buck stay on the ground. After ten minutes I let him up. He slowly got up and shook himself and then went off to beat up on another kid. After that that kid wasnít a bit of trouble. He politely asked permission to do things, would quietly come up to get petted, never any trouble. Iím sure that was "G G" that pulled that trick. I was appalled. But, I did appreciate it when then little buck didnít attack me anymore.

Another time I had to go into one of the older bucksí pen to check on something. I donít remember what. This fellow had been starting to want to take you on if you got near him. Lee insisted that if I had to go into the pen, to carry the Hot Shot he had bought me. At least I might have a chance to get away then if attacked. Timidly, I carried my Hot Shot in and started doing some work on the pen. The buck took me by surprise and whacked me in the leg with his huge horns. The pain from that blow was unreal. Then he reared up high with plans to come down with a mighty blow to my body. I felt "G G" taking over. Calmly I lifted the Hot Shot, flicked it on high and, took careful aim, stepped in, and got him on the end of his nice moist nose while he was in high rear. ZzzzzzzPOP went that Hot Shot. That buck squalled and took off for the high country. He was always polite to me after that. Kind old Connie was absolutely mortified that I had hurt that 400 lb. Buck. But, I did appreciate it when the buck started giving me instant respect the few times I went back into his pen alone.

Then, I felt "G G" taking over when it came to handling certain goat customers. I couldnít believe it. Kind old Connie would never have acted in such a manner. I had a couple of people email me wanting pictures of the goats I had for sale. This happened during different times with different people, but they wanted the same thing. First, they wanted the pictures. Sure. I love taking pictures of my goats and sending them to people. Then they wanted to know how far I was from them. I looked it up for them and told them. Then, on separate occasions and the same request from different people. They wanted me to load all the goats I had for sale up and drive them over to their place and then they MIGHT pick out one. With a shudder, I felt "G G" taking over. I couldnít stop her. She said, "No thanks." and hung up on the people. I couldnít believe it. She hung up on those people. Sweet old Connie would never have done that, but would have politely explained in a long winded fashion why it wasnít possible.

Had another person call up and explain in a fast fashion that this was a long distance phone call and she was going to hang up because of the cost and wanted me to call back to talk goats because she had a boat load of questions to ask me. "Here, take down my number and Iíll wait right here for you to call back," she said. She quickly gave her number and hung up. By this time "G G" had taken over. Folks, she didnít write the number down!! In fact she just turned and walked away from the phone to go outside and get some chores done. Sweet old Connie was just simply shocked. She would have quickly explained to the person that it was long distance for her too, but she would be happy to help the lady with any problems, but she didnít feel it was right that she should foot the big long distance bill. But, I guess, the lady would have hung up long before all that got out, because, after all, it was long distance.

People email quite frequently wanting me to make road trip maps for them to get to our farm. If they are three or four hours away in an area I know, well thatís easy. I explain it to them and they write it down how to get to the farm. But, I had a few from far out of state want me to hunt up where they are at, list all the roads for them to take, tell them what places to stop and eat at, what places to stay in, do it all in great detail, write it all down so they donít have to and then email it to them. Then they would decide if they really wanted to come after all. On requests like these, "G G" takes over before I can stop her. "Go to map blaster.com, type in where you are at and where you want to go." And, thatís it, no please or thank you. Now, if good old Connie had answered, I would have found out if they liked hot coco for breakfast at the motel they stayed in and would have tried to send them some Big Mac coupons for eating out. But, no, "G G" always takes over on these requests.

So, if you do call here, you can try requesting "good old Connie". But, I donít know. That "G G" can suddenly take over at the oddest times, especially if you tell her that her goats should really be worth no more then $25, or tell her she had better only offer quality goats to you or you will tell her what for. Iím afraid good old Connie would probably say, "Here, you want to speak to G G."

THE END

 

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