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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

CRUMPLED
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

Two days ago Lee did absolutely the best Crumple Iíd ever seen. If the Olympic judges had been watching, Iím sure they would have given him all 9ís and one 10 for their scores. Personally, Iíd have given him all 10ís but you know how those Olympic judges are.

We were sorting goats that morning. It was cold, brisk, wind blowing at 20 mph. We had two older girls in with the young bred girls that were just doing their best to kill everyone within 200 yards in either direction of them. They were boss and they were continually reminding everyone of this fact. They needed to be taken out. No, no, not killed. This isnít the movies. They needed to be put in a pen all their own, together. They wouldnít thump on each other. They had too much respect for each other to do that. But, our young bred girls needed to be protected.

Everything had been working according to plan, that is, the goatsí plan, not ours. Half the herd had decided they absolutely had to be in the same pen with the older girls that were trying to kill them, so there they were. Not where they were suppose to be. We were pushing, pulling, dragging, and sometimes we did this to a goat, trying to get them back out of the pen while keeping the mean girls in.

Lee got the idea to get a bucket of grain and entice all the girls back out of the pen and start over again. I thought maybe I could stay in the pen and keep the mean girls from escaping and let the young girls run to Leeís grain. So, we tried this new plan.

They saw the grain bucket and out moved the girls in a tremendous wave, those in the pen and those who had been standing outside of the pen watching the rodeo. The two groups converged on Lee and started milling around him. It was like he was in the eye of a tornado, only it wasnít calm.

Several girls stood on his feet while another group moved in behind him, bowling him over. And, he just gently, gracefully crumpled to the ground. No solid fall, no fast movement, just a graceful crumple to the ground in the middle of the herd. The last thing seen was a hand and a bucket of grain being held skyward, sort of like in the movie Terminator Two where Arnold gets melted, only he didnĎt have a bucket of grain in his hand. And slowly Leeís hand and bucket of grain disappeared as the goats took the bucket. It was beautiful. Wished Iíd had a camera.

When he was able to crawl out of the herd while they were busy fighting over the bucket, I couldnít find enough words to compliment him. I was overjoyed with the beauty of what Iíd just seen. Lee looked at me oddly. "You brag on me over the strangest things," was all he said.

He did admit later that I had bragged so much on him that for the rest of the day he kept looking for ways to crumple again. But, the right moment never came up.

Now, me, I canít crumple. I have tried and tried. Iím just not that graceful. Itís either a whole hearted thud or a stagger, stagger, stumble, fall flat type of fall. Itís really discouraging. Some people are that way. Some crumple gracefully, others thud. And, you must learn how to do this early in life.

For example, a couple of months ago Lee and I went visiting my sister and her husband. Their two children were so excited over our visit that they had to show off their scooters, bicycles, etc. Especially ride them fast to show how good they were at the sport.

Our 4 yr. Old nephew was showing off his riding skills, with all the protective gear on his little body. My sisterís no dummy in protecting them from themselves. That bike with training wheels was simply flying around the concrete driveway. Suddenly he lined up and headed straight for the retaining wall along the hill. Big heavy railroad cross ties, four foot high, to hold the hill back.

And, he never slowed down. It was like he had finally trained his little legs to pedal forwards and to suddenly pedal backwards to brake was too much to comprehend. Full speed, straight ahead, he ran into the wall. It was a tremendous noise and as the dust cleared, a little hand rose above the tangled bicycle with training wheels still spinning and that little hand waved. A small quavery voice spoke up and said, "Iím all right. Iím just fine."

But, wise old dad knew better and went out and picked up his little son and took him in the house so he could cry a bit in humiliation over embarrassing himself in front of company. Well, not me. Unlike my sensitive young nephew, if I get hurt I let everyone know about it. All the neighbors know about it and at the very instant I get hurt.

When Lee went down in his crumple, all he said was, "Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh." Then goat bodies were all over him and you couldnít even hear the tail end of that.

Me, when I go down I donĎt go gently and silently into the night. I say, "OWWWWW!" and not quietly. Being a church going woman, I donít cuss. I find that regular language explains things better than cussing. The neighbors hear things like, "OUCH!" "I THINK I BROKE MY POSTERIOR!" "BOY, I BUSTED MY HINEY ON THAT ONE!" "GET OFF MY FOOT YOU BIG HORSE!" And since we have horses, they understand that one perfectly and know I am not talking to Lee.

So gracefully crumpling, going down quietly and politely, does not fit my personality at all. I bet you are wondering if we ever got those goats separated. Yes. The mean goats and I were so impressed with Leeís crumple that we just stood there and watched. I finally had the presence of mind to swing the gate shut after the young girls left, trapping the mean ones inside the pen. Now maybe things will be quieter in the herd and Lee will not have to do the Crumple anymore. He certainly doesnít need to practice. Heís all ready perfect at it.

THE END

 

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