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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

I believe one of my most favorite shows on television is the Antiques Road Show on PBS. I love seeing what people found in their attic or at a yard sale thatís old and antiquie and then hearing the antique specialist gasp and say, "This is scarce. In fact, itís almost non existent and you got it for a quarter? Itís worth 20 zillion dollars now." And, for some reason, most the owners of these zillion dollars antiques usually keep a bland expression on their faces as if they were use to owning things worth zillions of dollars. Or, maybe they just had a stroke after hearing it and froze up. I know what I would do. I would be whooping and leaping around so much the cameras couldnít keep up with me.

The only fault I can see with the Antiques Road Show is that they donít have an area for antique tractors and farm equipment. They are really missing out making their show a sure winner by not having that. In my line of work as a goat farmer, those antique tractors and farm equipment is what keeps me solvent. If I were to go out and buy a brand new 4 wheel drive tractor, why that $30-40 thousand tractor would knock me out of the goat business entirely. No way my poor little goats could make up for that expenditure in years and years.

I run the goat farming on a shoe string and itís an antique shoe string at that. Lee and I look for good deals on tractors and farm machinery and what we can pay cash for. Fortunately for us this antique machinery gets cheaper as it gets older, when still usable on a farm. If itís as old as us or older, then we know itís the machinery for us. Now, thatís as old as us separately, not combined age. Good grief, I donít think they had machinery back then.

You have to remember in buying that two thousand dollar antique tractor that still runs, that you have to give up a few conveniences like paint, seats, etc. But, I insist on a steering wheel and 4 tires, even if they are bald. The rest is optional. You donít need lights when you can carry a flashlight with you. Sure, itís uncomfortable in your mouth while you use both hands to keep the steering wheel on, but you got light. And, if you need a seat, thatís what sales at Walmart are for. A bass boat seat on discount fits most tractors just fine. Ever try to buy a regular tractor seat? They think your behind must be made of gold. We have always been proud of being on the cutting edge of innovative thinking when it comes to farming and spending money. One day Lee was bragging to our neighbor on his bass boat seat for his tractor when our neighbor, who owns a nifty tiny antique bull dozer, said he used an office chair on his bull dozer, and one that had been thrown away too. Wow. We really were impressed. He spent no money and made his antique bull dozer functional again.

Lee came home one evening full of admiration for the farmer down the road. It had been an unusually hot summer. The sun was intense. Lee said the farmer had bought a plastic swimming pool and had jerryrigged it up over his tractor seat to give him shade while he was working in the hay field. First off, I was impressed that he had a seat since he buys antique tractors too. Next, I pointed out to Lee that he could have done better. People were all the time throwing out plastic swimming pools that are split, leaving them sit beside the curb for the trash guys. To me, itís free booty if itís sitting by the curb. There was a kid sitting on a tricycle once beside the curb, but I just couldnít think of a use for him, maybe the tricycle, but not him. He wasnít big enough to do much work. But, back to the split plastic swimming pool, a little duct tape to fix the split and you have free shade for you on your tractor. Also, hay rope is good for seat belts on a tractor, but a little tricky if you have to get off in a hurry.

Antique manure spreaders are important on our farm. Once again the goatsí pockets arenít deep enough for a new manure spreader, but buying an antique, they can handle that. We used one for ten years that most itís floor boards were missing. How did we keep all the goat berries in? Why, we layered the floor with old hay and then piled the manure on top of that.

I remember once our nephew went to an FFA equipment sale and he came back to us all in awe. He informed us that the manure spreaders they sold all had floors in them. By the way, those FFA equipment sale can spoil a kid, giving him grandiose ideas of equipment only twenty years old. I informed him that those people had to put floor in theirs because they didnít have an abundance of old hay like we had. But, I certainly wouldnít point that out to the people at those sales. It would only make them feel bad.

Antique hay balers is another of our specialties. Our very favorite antique John Deere 14T hay baler died on us last summer. Bummer. It had been the best little baler, only asking that we use the orange nylon twine, and it worked like a trooper, baling hundreds of square bales for us for years. We bought it for $150 from a fellow who had decided to retire from farming and sold the nice little baler to us.

Before that we had an antique hay baler that was trouble from day one. It would go happily along and suddenly forget to tie a bale or two or ten and then start up again. Now, thatís not a problem if you were fortunate like us in having two young nephews who thought working in the hay field was the best thing a kid could do. One or the other would walk beside the baler while I baled and when they would see a bale not tying as it should, they would holler and Iíd stop and they would tie the bale and then off we would go again.

Very talented kids, unfortunately they got tired of walking the hay fields while I baled when they became teenagers. I think it was something about being older and smarter. Then we were forced to buy the antique John Deere hay baler and what a treat that was.

Now Iíve been thinking about sending Antiques Road Show a business proposal. I will tell them a sure fire way of being the number one show watched by all farmers in America. They simply have to add the antique working tractor and farm equipment to their show. And when I mean working, I mean working. That equipment has to actually do the work for the farm. I donít mean some dressed up, gussied up farm equipment. I mean the down to earth, havenít seen paint in years, shaking, shuddering and putt putt putting along type of farm equipment that keeps the farm afloat, financially.

In return for this obviously brilliant idea, I insist that all ideas to repair, hold together, add to, without much cost or no cost at all, be sent directly to me. Talk about a bonanza. I canít wait to write and tell them my proposal. Iím sure I have some paper here somewhere that hasnít been written on both sides.

THE END


 

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