I believe one of my most favorite shows on television is the Antiques Road Show on PBS. I love seeing what people found in their attic or at a yard sale that’s old and antiquie and then hearing the antique specialist gasp and say, "This is scarce. In fact, it’s almost non existent and you got it for a quarter? It’s worth 20 zillion dollars now." And, for some reason, most the owners of these zillion dollars antiques usually keep a bland expression on their faces as if they were use to owning things worth zillions of dollars. Or, maybe they just had a stroke after hearing it and froze up. I know what I would do. I would be whooping and leaping around so much the cameras couldn’t keep up with me.

The only fault I can see with the Antiques Road Show is that they don’t have an area for antique tractors and farm equipment. They are really missing out making their show a sure winner by not having that. In my line of work as a goat farmer, those antique tractors and farm equipment is what keeps me solvent. If I were to go out and buy a brand new 4 wheel drive tractor, why that $30-40 thousand tractor would knock me out of the goat business entirely. No way my poor little goats could make up for that expenditure in years and years.

I run the goat farming on a shoe string and it’s an antique shoe string at that. Lee and I look for good deals on tractors and farm machinery and what we can pay cash for. Fortunately for us this antique machinery gets cheaper as it gets older, when still usable on a farm. If it’s as old as us or older, then we know it’s the machinery for us. Now, that’s as old as us separately, not combined age. Good grief, I don’t think they had machinery back then.

You have to remember in buying that two thousand dollar antique tractor that still runs, that you have to give up a few conveniences like paint, seats, etc. But, I insist on a steering wheel and 4 tires, even if they are bald. The rest is optional. You don’t need lights when you can carry a flashlight with you. Sure, it’s uncomfortable in your mouth while you use both hands to keep the steering wheel on, but you got light. And, if you need a seat, that’s what sales at Walmart are for. A bass boat seat on discount fits most tractors just fine. Ever try to buy a regular tractor seat? They think your behind must be made of gold. We have always been proud of being on the cutting edge of innovative thinking when it comes to farming and spending money. One day Lee was bragging to our neighbor on his bass boat seat for his tractor when our neighbor, who owns a nifty tiny antique bull dozer, said he used an office chair on his bull dozer, and one that had been thrown away too. Wow. We really were impressed. He spent no money and made his antique bull dozer functional again.

Lee came home one evening full of admiration for the farmer down the road. It had been an unusually hot summer. The sun was intense. Lee said the farmer had bought a plastic swimming pool and had jerryrigged it up over his tractor seat to give him shade while he was working in the hay field. First off, I was impressed that he had a seat since he buys antique tractors too. Next, I pointed out to Lee that he could have done better. People were all the time throwing out plastic swimming pools that are split, leaving them sit beside the curb for the trash guys. To me, it’s free booty if it’s sitting by the curb. There was a kid sitting on a tricycle once beside the curb, but I just couldn’t think of a use for him, maybe the tricycle, but not him. He wasn’t big enough to do much work. But, back to the split plastic swimming pool, a little duct tape to fix the split and you have free shade for you on your tractor. Also, hay rope is good for seat belts on a tractor, but a little tricky if you have to get off in a hurry.

Antique manure spreaders are important on our farm. Once again the goats’ pockets aren’t deep enough for a new manure spreader, but buying an antique, they can handle that. We used one for ten years that most it’s floor boards were missing. How did we keep all the goat berries in? Why, we layered the floor with old hay and then piled the manure on top of that.

I remember once our nephew went to an FFA equipment sale and he came back to us all in awe. He informed us that the manure spreaders they sold all had floors in them. By the way, those FFA equipment sale can spoil a kid, giving him grandiose ideas of equipment only twenty years old. I informed him that those people had to put floor in theirs because they didn’t have an abundance of old hay like we had. But, I certainly wouldn’t point that out to the people at those sales. It would only make them feel bad.

Antique hay balers is another of our specialties. Our very favorite antique John Deere 14T hay baler died on us last summer. Bummer. It had been the best little baler, only asking that we use the orange nylon twine, and it worked like a trooper, baling hundreds of square bales for us for years. We bought it for $150 from a fellow who had decided to retire from farming and sold the nice little baler to us.

Before that we had an antique hay baler that was trouble from day one. It would go happily along and suddenly forget to tie a bale or two or ten and then start up again. Now, that’s not a problem if you were fortunate like us in having two young nephews who thought working in the hay field was the best thing a kid could do. One or the other would walk beside the baler while I baled and when they would see a bale not tying as it should, they would holler and I’d stop and they would tie the bale and then off we would go again.

Very talented kids, unfortunately they got tired of walking the hay fields while I baled when they became teenagers. I think it was something about being older and smarter. Then we were forced to buy the antique John Deere hay baler and what a treat that was.

Now I’ve been thinking about sending Antiques Road Show a business proposal. I will tell them a sure fire way of being the number one show watched by all farmers in America. They simply have to add the antique working tractor and farm equipment to their show. And when I mean working, I mean working. That equipment has to actually do the work for the farm. I don’t mean some dressed up, gussied up farm equipment. I mean the down to earth, haven’t seen paint in years, shaking, shuddering and putt putt putting along type of farm equipment that keeps the farm afloat, financially.

In return for this obviously brilliant idea, I insist that all ideas to repair, hold together, add to, without much cost or no cost at all, be sent directly to me. Talk about a bonanza. I can’t wait to write and tell them my proposal. I’m sure I have some paper here somewhere that hasn’t been written on both sides.

THE END