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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

Once again, being busy goat farming, Iíve let my letter writing to the relatives slip. Knowing how the relatives look forward to my extremely fascinating letters on what we do on a goat farm, I felt very guilty and decided to do something about it. Taking pencil in hand on this very rainy day (since I canít go out and do anything else) I am going to write my inspiring form letter to the relatives. Being a goat farmer leaves me much too busy to write individualized letters.

Dear Favorite Relative,

How are you and the family (if this applies)? Lee and I are fine and staying extremely busy on our fascinating goat farm. With this large herd, thereís never a dull moment. Either itís the green squirts (the goats, not us), pneumonia, a goat with its head stuck in the gate, worming time, feet trimming time, hay time, you name it and we keep busy either avoiding it or doing it.

Had another goat eating bucket incident the other day. I thought I had thrown all those goat eating buckets away, but they seem to breed like rabbits. I heard a commotion and the backyard dogs started barking like crazy and the goats from the other herds ran to the weaning pen to stare in and stand at attention. They were this close of stampeding themselves at what they saw.

I ran down the hill to see what was going on and saw over 20 replacement weanling does charging around hysterically. Trailing behind, equally terrified, but trying to keep up was a doe, Autumn Jackie, with a large black rubber bucket under her belly and the handle up over her back. She was gamely trying to run away from the black rubber monster that was obviously, to her, going to eat her. And, her pals and confidants were desperately trying to put space between her and themselves, in case the rubber bucket wasnít satisfied with one cute doeling.

Fortunately, she was getting tired by the time I got in the pen and I only had to run around the pen 12 times before I was able to catch her. That rubber bucket had quite a hold on her and it took several seconds to separate the bucket from the goat. I immediately threw the bucket away to discourage any more buckets from getting ideas about eating my goats.

Well, the next time you see me and Lee you wonít recognize us. We are but a shadow of our former selves. Okay, maybe about an inch has been taken off the shadow of our former selves. We had our doctorís appointment not long ago and the doctor told me I had to lose weight. I said, "HA! You canít hurt my feelings. Iíve been told Iím fat before!" He then told Lee he had to lose weight also. Which I thought was very odd. For a man that weighs over 230 pounds at the time, I think Lee was quite slender. Now, me I knew I was fat. Then the doctor went on to say that he, himself was on the Atkins diet.

That got me to thinking so I bought the paperback book of the Atkins diet at Wal-Mart and started reading it. This diet basically counts carbs. Thatís carbohydrates to all you relatives who are not professional dieters. It also said that some people can get addicted to sugar and to carbohydrates. I donít see how they can come to that conclusion. As long as I get at least 52 ounces of Pepsi a day, lots of bread and bowls of CoCo Puffs, why Iím in good shape. And it doesnít hurt a bit to have a couple of Ding Dongs and Hostess Twinkies to round out the day. Donít forget the pop tarts. Canít have a day without pop tarts.

And, this diet says Iím addicted to sugar and carbs? Well, weíll just see about that! The Induction part of the diet only allowed us 20 grams of carbohydrates a day for two weeks. No problem until I found out that my little bowl of cereal was 44 grams of carbs. Good Grief! What to eat? And, I am to have absolutely no sugar whatsoever because according to the book or it will bring the sugar cravings back.

To replace my sugar I was to go out and find something called Splenda. I guess itís simply splendid is why itís named that. Next, I would need to figure out what to eat for breakfast since I couldnít eat my bowls of CoCo Puffs with added sugar topping. The Atkins diet book informed me I could have eggs and steak for breakfast. Sadly, I went and told Lee what we had to eat for breakfast from now on. He is a brave fellow and I know to keep my spirits up, he eagerly said, "When do we start?!"

It seems we were also to eat an awful lot of salads, too, Favorite Relative. Personally, I have never stayed long in the same room with a salad and here I was to eat it twice a day and also have possibly one cooked vegetable. I had to go to the dictionary to find out what vegetable meant. Itís a very disappointing word, I found out. It doesnít have icing and isnít made of chocolate. But, we were now committed to this carb counting diet ever since I told Lee what we could have for breakfast.

Favorite Relative, once I set my mind to something, I am as stubborn as any goat with itís head in the feed bucket. Two weeks after being on this carb counting diet Lee is off his blood pressure medicine and Iím fourteen pounds lighter. I have to admit to having the shakes off and on. This was my sugar and carbohydrate addiction talking. I told Lee that since I now realize I am a sugar addict he was to keep an eye on me when we were out and about. I was afraid I might mug someone and take their half eaten candy bar.

The other Sunday, coming out of church, we were headed to the van and right there, where I was about to step, someone had thrown a pop tart wrapper. It looked so good. Boy, I could have ate a pop tart then. I shouted to warn Lee, "Pop Tart Alert! Pop Tart Alert!!" I think Lee jumped at least a foot straight up in the air. He is so use to me hollering about a snake alert on the farm, he wasnít expecting a pop tart alert in town. I had really rattled him. He looked at me and said, "Sometimes you are really strange."

But, I was quit pleased with myself that I had not snatched up that pop tart wrapper and then begged Lee to take me to a grocery store to buy a grocery cart full. Now itís quite different when I see lettuce wrappers. For some reason I can control myself around lettuce. But, I do feel deeply guilty of how many heads of lettuce I have consumed since the diet, though only allowed a cup at a time at first, and worry that lettuce may be on the endangered vegetable list and I am personally annihilating whole families of lettuce. That the Society for Endangered Lettuce is going to track me down one day and youíll see my face on the evening news of how evil I am.

That could be the same for eggs. Boiled eggs are considered a power snack with only .6 grams of carbs on this diet. I can seriously say not that I cannot look a boiled egg in the face now, Favorite Relative. I believe I have eaten too many power snacks and I do notice our chickens whispering together every time I walk by. They know where all those eggs are going.

Favorite Relative, if you do come and visit our house, you might notice something different. Bags of Pork Rinds sitting everywhere. Pork Rinds are 0 carbs. When the urge for potato chips, Cheetos, Fritos becomes overwhelming, I snatch up a bag of Pork Rinds. Lee canít stomach them so I have all these lovely bags of Pork Rinds all to myself.

Well, it has quit raining so I must go back to work, Favorite Relative. It has been lovely talking to you and if you drop by, donít forget to bring your own bags of Pork Rinds.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Nanny Berry

THE END

 

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