Once again, being busy goat farming, I’ve let my letter writing to the relatives slip. Knowing how the relatives look forward to my extremely fascinating letters on what we do on a goat farm, I felt very guilty and decided to do something about it. Taking pencil in hand on this very rainy day (since I can’t go out and do anything else) I am going to write my inspiring form letter to the relatives. Being a goat farmer leaves me much too busy to write individualized letters.
Dear Favorite Relative,
How are you and the family (if this applies)? Lee and I are fine and staying extremely busy on our fascinating goat farm. With this large herd, there’s never a dull moment. Either it’s the green squirts (the goats, not us), pneumonia, a goat with its head stuck in the gate, worming time, feet trimming time, hay time, you name it and we keep busy either avoiding it or doing it.
Had another goat eating bucket incident the other day. I thought I had thrown all those goat eating buckets away, but they seem to breed like rabbits. I heard a commotion and the backyard dogs started barking like crazy and the goats from the other herds ran to the weaning pen to stare in and stand at attention. They were this close of stampeding themselves at what they saw.
I ran down the hill to see what was going on and saw over 20 replacement weanling does charging around hysterically. Trailing behind, equally terrified, but trying to keep up was a doe, Autumn Jackie, with a large black rubber bucket under her belly and the handle up over her back. She was gamely trying to run away from the black rubber monster that was obviously, to her, going to eat her. And, her pals and confidants were desperately trying to put space between her and themselves, in case the rubber bucket wasn’t satisfied with one cute doeling.
Fortunately, she was getting tired by the time I got in the pen and I only had to run around the pen 12 times before I was able to catch her. That rubber bucket had quite a hold on her and it took several seconds to separate the bucket from the goat. I immediately threw the bucket away to discourage any more buckets from getting ideas about eating my goats.
Well, the next time you see me and Lee you won’t recognize us. We are but a shadow of our former selves. Okay, maybe about an inch has been taken off the shadow of our former selves. We had our doctor’s appointment not long ago and the doctor told me I had to lose weight. I said, "HA! You can’t hurt my feelings. I’ve been told I’m fat before!" He then told Lee he had to lose weight also. Which I thought was very odd. For a man that weighs over 230 pounds at the time, I think Lee was quite slender. Now, me I knew I was fat. Then the doctor went on to say that he, himself was on the Atkins diet.
That got me to thinking so I bought the paperback book of the Atkins diet at Wal-Mart and started reading it. This diet basically counts carbs. That’s carbohydrates to all you relatives who are not professional dieters. It also said that some people can get addicted to sugar and to carbohydrates. I don’t see how they can come to that conclusion. As long as I get at least 52 ounces of Pepsi a day, lots of bread and bowls of CoCo Puffs, why I’m in good shape. And it doesn’t hurt a bit to have a couple of Ding Dongs and Hostess Twinkies to round out the day. Don’t forget the pop tarts. Can’t have a day without pop tarts.
And, this diet says I’m addicted to sugar and carbs? Well, we’ll just see about that! The Induction part of the diet only allowed us 20 grams of carbohydrates a day for two weeks. No problem until I found out that my little bowl of cereal was 44 grams of carbs. Good Grief! What to eat? And, I am to have absolutely no sugar whatsoever because according to the book or it will bring the sugar cravings back.
To replace my sugar I was to go out and find something called Splenda. I guess it’s simply splendid is why it’s named that. Next, I would need to figure out what to eat for breakfast since I couldn’t eat my bowls of CoCo Puffs with added sugar topping. The Atkins diet book informed me I could have eggs and steak for breakfast. Sadly, I went and told Lee what we had to eat for breakfast from now on. He is a brave fellow and I know to keep my spirits up, he eagerly said, "When do we start?!"
It seems we were also to eat an awful lot of salads, too, Favorite Relative. Personally, I have never stayed long in the same room with a salad and here I was to eat it twice a day and also have possibly one cooked vegetable. I had to go to the dictionary to find out what vegetable meant. It’s a very disappointing word, I found out. It doesn’t have icing and isn’t made of chocolate. But, we were now committed to this carb counting diet ever since I told Lee what we could have for breakfast.
Favorite Relative, once I set my mind to something, I am as stubborn as any goat with it’s head in the feed bucket. Two weeks after being on this carb counting diet Lee is off his blood pressure medicine and I’m fourteen pounds lighter. I have to admit to having the shakes off and on. This was my sugar and carbohydrate addiction talking. I told Lee that since I now realize I am a sugar addict he was to keep an eye on me when we were out and about. I was afraid I might mug someone and take their half eaten candy bar.
The other Sunday, coming out of church, we were headed to the van and right there, where I was about to step, someone had thrown a pop tart wrapper. It looked so good. Boy, I could have ate a pop tart then. I shouted to warn Lee, "Pop Tart Alert! Pop Tart Alert!!" I think Lee jumped at least a foot straight up in the air. He is so use to me hollering about a snake alert on the farm, he wasn’t expecting a pop tart alert in town. I had really rattled him. He looked at me and said, "Sometimes you are really strange."
But, I was quit pleased with myself that I had not snatched up that pop tart wrapper and then begged Lee to take me to a grocery store to buy a grocery cart full. Now it’s quite different when I see lettuce wrappers. For some reason I can control myself around lettuce. But, I do feel deeply guilty of how many heads of lettuce I have consumed since the diet, though only allowed a cup at a time at first, and worry that lettuce may be on the endangered vegetable list and I am personally annihilating whole families of lettuce. That the Society for Endangered Lettuce is going to track me down one day and you’ll see my face on the evening news of how evil I am.
That could be the same for eggs. Boiled eggs are considered a power snack with only .6 grams of carbs on this diet. I can seriously say not that I cannot look a boiled egg in the face now, Favorite Relative. I believe I have eaten too many power snacks and I do notice our chickens whispering together every time I walk by. They know where all those eggs are going.
Favorite Relative, if you do come and visit our house, you might notice something different. Bags of Pork Rinds sitting everywhere. Pork Rinds are 0 carbs. When the urge for potato chips, Cheetos, Fritos becomes overwhelming, I snatch up a bag of Pork Rinds. Lee can’t stomach them so I have all these lovely bags of Pork Rinds all to myself.
Well, it has quit raining so I must go back to work, Favorite Relative. It has been lovely talking to you and if you drop by, don’t forget to bring your own bags of Pork Rinds.
Sincerely,
Your Favorite Nanny Berry
