Quips & Quotes
Things Found In My Inbox
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have
to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's
advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face,
and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my
best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay
home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my
hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window "I want to open a damn checking account,"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
We don't use that type of language in our bank, sir, the teller
Listen, I don't give a damn about you or this damn bank, just shut up and
do your damn job woman!, the crotchety old man hollered!
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is
standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and
crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord,
how could you?
Have I not been a wonderful grandmother?
Have I not been a wonderful mother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith?
Have I not given to Hadassah?
Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk?
Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would
be proud of?"
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere
and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is
standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had
The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson.
Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it
on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It's said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those
who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important -- Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
# 12 is the most true. why is it people would rather believe gossip, but
not find out the truth by just asking.
Signs of the Times
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
TWENTY-FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of incoming
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15 . No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look big.
Quotes about Dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A. Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, It is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
before lying down."
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard."
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
-Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from
with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think
we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends
but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why
didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, are humanitarians cannibals?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
Asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
And if I'm uncouth, are you couth?
And finally, why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?
TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
gunman, who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for
in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. AND THE GRAND FINALE.................
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating,
problems. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
22 ft going properly. It was very sluggish in almost every
matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive
down,the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
jumped into the water to check underneath. He came up choking
because he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ..THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed. (NO ONE TOLD ME 30 WAS OVER THE
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. (ONLY WHEN
THERE IS A LITTLE LEFT!)
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. (TRY 5 KIDS AND
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (WOULDN'T THIS BE A
GREAT SCIENCE PROJECT!!?)
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. (AND IF IT
DID I WOULD PROBABLY FORGET TO LOAD IT!)
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much. (I AM STILL TRYING TO RATIONALIZE THIS ONE!)
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. (THAT IS WHY MY CATS ARE OUTSIDE!)
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails. (AND MINE ARE CONSTANTLY BEING ADJUSTED)
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup. (JUST THINK OF THE MONEY I COULD BE
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again? (PLEASE WALK BY AGAIN....I THINK I FORGOT TO LOAD THE FILM!)
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. (AND OF COURSE YOU NEED THE
HANDBAG AND MAKEUP TO GO WITH IT!)
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. (NO NEED TO
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. (GOOD...I HAVE A WAYS TO GO
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car. (I HAVE RELATIVES...I CAN RELATE!)
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. (AGAIN...I
HAVE RELATIVES, I CAN RELATE)
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before. (AT LEAST YOU WILL HAVE SOME FUN!)
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. (COME ON OVER,
COME ON IN!)
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. (AGAIN...I HAVE
RELATIVES...AND SINCE I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE FORGIVENESS...I KNOW IT WAS
BETTER THAN ASKING FOR PERMISSION!)
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
(CALIFORNIA AT ITS BEST)
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
(HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO GET A PASSPORT YET)
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. (AND JUNK
MAIL TRAVELS THREE TIMES AS FAST!)
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. (THAT
IS WHY IT IS SO GOOD TO BE UN-CONSCIENCE!)
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. (UNLESS YOU WANT
TO LIVE ON VENUS!)
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (MAKE MINE CHOCOLATE CHIP!)
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places. (THIS IS LIKE METAMORPHISIS)
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. (SO DON'T MISS IT!)
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it. (I EXPERIENCE THIS ALL THE TIME)
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. (AND THEY ALL WORK
30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again. (OR THE FACT THAT PEOPLE WILL POINT IT OUT TO
YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN. )
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. (OR TELL YOU THAT
THEY DON'T EXIST ANYMORE)
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world
(DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY..."WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD" LIKE WHAT
WERE YOU IN BEFORE?)