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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

Raiders of the Found Dumpsters, Dumpster Hunter, The Dumpster, Dumpster Quest, I think you are starting to get the picture that this story is about dumpsters. Not so fast. This story is about what goats can make you do for them. Things you would have never thought in a million years you would be doing.

For example, at the beginning of your life, did you ever think you would find yourself with a headlock on a goat, worming it? Or, possibly the goat worming you. Been there, done that. How about this one, did you ever picture yourself helping a doe during kidding? Your hand up her behind, almost elbow deep, straightening out a little kid's leg so he could come out?

This is what I'm talking about, goats can get you to do the strangest thing. Take this past Sunday, Lee and I have just been to church and we're all decked out in our Sunday duds and we drive by the new Dollar Store that has just opened. We spy a dumpster at the side of the new store and it's full of painted heavy wire rack shelving, four foot tall, three foot wide, spacings of the heavy wires about 3 x 4 inches. Absolutely gorgeous goat panels that they are going to just throw away!!

And, what does a good goat farmer do? Why, go and ask the clerks if they can have what's in the dumpster. And, who is the one who is always elected to go and ask for something, why the ol' big mouth herself, me. As soon as I tell people I'm a farmer and ask for something, I'm given immediate permission. You've just got to learn to not say you are a goat farmer, because then they think you are just clowning around. Because, who in their right mind is a goat farmer? So, you learn to introduce yourself in the broader term of just farmer.

The kind clerk was happy to let us have all that wonderful goat panels, er, wire racks. So picture me and Lee backing the van up to the dumpsters (and people wonder why we insist on buying vans when there's just the two of us), getting out in our Sunday Go To Meeting clothes and climbing on that dumpster. And, it wasn't one of those little sissy single dumpsters, it was huge, at least three or four dumpsters long and over six foot tall.

Fortunately, I had my fancy little sandals on that day and was able to get good toe holds to shinny up that dumpster, reach over and start dragging those wonderful future goat panels out. Lee had found a type of ledge to stand on and was able to bend over and pull the goat panels out. We stuffed that van full and fussed at ourselves that we hadn't brought the farm truck to town to go to church. Oh no, we had to put on airs that day and drive the new van. But, boy, did we get some nice goat panels out of that dumpster anyway.

And, were we worried about what people thought seeing two people in their Sunday duds scurrying around on the dumpster, afraid that they might recognize us? Are you crazy? Do you know how much goat panels cost? And here we were getting them free!! Man, where's a camera? I want a picture of this.

I get such a warm fuzzy feeling thinking of last Sunday and the dumpster raid. Now this is what goats can do to you. Did you ever think at the beginning of your life that you would be thrilled to climb around on a dumpster? Goats can make you do other things that you didn't think you were capable of before.

What about taking a goat's temperature? It sounds easy, but they don't have an arm pit to put the thermometer and you can't stick the thermometer in their mouth because they might bite it in two. You can't lay it against their foreheads and get much of a reading, so where else? You guessed it, you stick it in their posterior. And, they are about as excited about this as you are.

You say, "So, what? What's the big deal?" Have you ever tried this? The goat actually camouflages the hole you are suppose to stick it in. Notice that? I had to have Lee hold the goat the first time I tried taking a temp (that's the goat professional term for temperature, makes people think you know what you are doing) and I had to get a flashlight to study the situation out, and it took so long I had to get a bucket to sit on while I considered my options.

My better half, my ever patient spouse stood there holding the goat kept saying encouraging things like, "Did you fall asleep? What's going on back there?" while I patiently kept making stabs at folds of skin I thought might be the hole. Consequently, I kept goosing the goat which then kept trying to run over Lee.

The important hole to put the thermometer is not at the very base of the tail as you would think. It's just a little below and it looks all puckered. In the center of that pucker is the hole to put the thermometer. That puckered hole can really stretch out and look perfectly gross when the goat poo's. I know. I sat back there long enough to see this.

See what goats get you to do? Your herd of goats can even sweet talk you into feeding them a bucket of grain. They stand there with their soulful eyes, baaing sweet things to you, begging you for their favorite treat of grain, and you go "Okay, my little darlings, I'll get you some." And, when you step out the gate into the field with a bucket of grain, why, it's like a bunch of Piranhas or starved sharks all over you. Basically you get mugged by your own goats. Or, maybe that is bucketed by your own goats. Whatever. Bet at the beginning of your life you never thought that would have happened to you, getting bucketed. Goats can get you to do the strangest things.

Hmmmm, it looks like in the paper someone is wanting large garage doors hauled away. That would make good sides for a goat shed. Let's see here, someone else has free patio doors for hauling away. Turned sideways, one door would make good upper windows on a goat barn to let in light. Someone else has mismatched color steel roofing for hauling away. Why, right here is a good goat shed for free. Got to go get the truck. Have to get this before another goat farmer sees these neat treasures. See, what I mean what goats will do to you? Where's my keys? Where's Lee? Wait till he hears this, he's going to be so thrilled.

THE END

 

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