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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

IS THAT A BRUISE OR DIRT?
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

This is but one of many questions goat farmers find themselves asking. Another one would be, "Is that buck really going to chase me around the chicken house?" Or, "Does that herd of goats really think they can get this feed bucket away from me?" How about, "Wonder if I can catch that wild looking goat to worm her?" Or, "Is that a goat out there running around with a bucket over its head?"

Goat farmers are faced daily with very interesting questions. Some of which no one else has ever had to ask themselves in the farming industry. Now the bruise or dirt question would probably be common to all farmers. But, I can think of one exception. I know a hay farmer that has air conditioned tractors (no, not the type with the wind blowing through your hair if you drive fast enough), with radios, CD players, and I wouldnít doubt, even a DVD player. Next will be tiny refrigerators to keep cool drinks in the cab. Anyway, I have yet to see him dirty. He steps out of his tractor cool and refreshed while we, that are buying his hay out of the field, are standing there in rivers of sweat, dirt, and hay chaff from loading the bales on the trucks. It makes you seriously wonder why you are a goat farmer instead of a hay farmer.

Being a goat farmer, there never seems a day that passes that I donít need to be hosed down before going in to take a shower. Dirt is my middle name. In the summer you are sweating from working outside with the goats and everything thing sticks to you. Mainly anything dirty will stick to you. You never get flowers sticking to you. Itís always dirt, manure, hay, goat hair, dog hair (from the livestock guard dogs), etc.

You get a hot muggy day where you are cleaning out the barn or stacking hay or just doing the routine thing of worming goats and you become a dirt magnet. We had two nice ladies drop by one hot day to buy goats. They were in their sixties and seventies. We had been cleaning out the barn when they drove in. I went to talk to them and the whole time they kept getting their lacy handkerchiefs and wiping their necks. I just thought they were sweaty from the hot weather and never thought a thing about it.

After we had loaded up a couple of pretty does in their van and they had drove off, I went in the house to get a pop. While washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and saw ring after huge ring of dirt around my neck. I finally figured out why they were constantly wiping their necks with their handkerchiefs. They were either afraid they were going to look like me or were unconsciously trying to clean my neck up by wiping theirs.

Dirt can happen fast on a goat farmer. Itís not something that takes days to build up, but just seconds. The best way to tell if you are bruised or just dirty, if you are no where near water to do a quick wash, is to gently push on the dirty area with your fingers. If it hurts, itís bruised, if it doesnít, you got a dirty spot.

And goat farmers tend to get a lot of bruises, too. Goats bumping into you, goats knocking the feet out from under you, and if you have goats with horns, oh my, the bruising you can get. We disbud our baby goats, but sometimes we will buy goats for new bloodlines and these always seem to have their horns.

We bought some beautiful baby goats not long ago and every one of them had little pointy horns. It had been so long since weíd had goats with horns, that I forgot what it was like. I noticed one day I had all of these tiny little spots up and down my leg, knee high and down. What on earth? I wasnít near water to see if they would wash off, so I did the pressure test and found myself ouching up a storm. I had all these tiny little bruises. What happened?

I then went to feed the baby horned goats and found a bunch of babies running ahead of me, stopping right in front of me, and then throwing their heads back to cutely look up at me. Those little horns hit my legs every time. And, it was worse when you wore shorts. I found myself doing a jig, trying to dance around the little horns, to get to the feeders, without getting any more bruises then I already had. Iím sure it was an entertaining sight for the neighbors to watch.

Speaking of goat bruising (I have yet to see one of our goats with a bruise), we had a handsome Angora buck years ago with a magnificent set of horns. Trophy horns. The deer hunters kept asking me if the buck had died yet because they wanted those horns. That buck became lame in a hind leg and I went to check on him. He was standing there calmly eating his hay and I walked up behind him and felt the leg to see if there was any swelling. He slowly turned his head to see what I was up to and that wide set of horns turned and I got whacked along side the head. The buck wasnít intending to do anything mean, he just turned his head. Then he turned it back to continue eating his hay while I was staggering behind him, seeing white and blue lights from the innocent thumping I had received on the right side of my face.

Forget the trophy horns, the next day I had a trophy bruise all up and down the right side of my face, black eye and all. A magnificent bruise. One of the best Iíd ever seen. I didnít get another beauty like that until a year or two later. I was taking oak boards off an old building on the place to be used somewhere else. I had the crow bar above my head pulling nails out when the nail head on one nail folded and the crow bar slid off with a speed and accuracy you wouldnít believe and whacked me on the head. I was patriotic that day and saw stars and stripes for a few minutes as I stumbled in circles. I still think they need to put warning labels on all crow bars. The things are dangerous in my hands. Lee hides all crow bars now when he goes to work, just in case I think I need to use one.

So, always remember the pressure test to see if you are bruised or just dirty. And, whatís this? Hmmmm. Didnít hurt. Guess Iíd better go find a wash cloth. As for the other goat farmer questions, Iíll get into them later when Iím clean enough to type on the keyboard. Now, why didnít I buy a black keyboard?

THE END

 

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