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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
PANIC ATTACKS
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

As a goat farmer, I have found panic attacks very useful. The panic attack either puts me into active overdrive, both mind and body, instantly able to save a goat in record time, or stalls my body out so I am incapable of moving, but my mind is in overdrive, figuring out the situation I am in. And, then there is the third type of panic attack where you are in a flurry of motion, feeling scattered to the four winds, but your mind is stalled out to super slow speed, calming you down, figuring out the problem. There are many more types of panic attacks, I just donít have room to write about them all.

All the above mentioned panic attacks do come in handy. Take for example this morning, though not directly dealing with goats, it still relates. I was doing laundry after a weekend of barn cleaning, our clothes told the story of each stall that was cleaned. As I was emptying out Leeís pantís pockets, I came across a clump that felt like tissues. So, I hauled them out and set them on the dryer for throwing away after I got the washer started. When I went to get the "tissues" I suddenly realized I was looking at a wadded up snake skin that he had put in his pantís pocket.

Why he had put a snake skin in his pocket, I donít know. He will absent mindedly do things when he is busy, so probably had found that snake skin and meant to throw it away, but had stuck it in his pocket when he got busy with something else. You should see the things I find in the refrigerator and cupboards after heís been in the kitchen. Of course, I canít complain too much, I will absent mindedly throw away silverware when I get busy. I guess itís a deep seated thought that I really donít want to wash dishes. But, it sure keeps me short on the silverware. If anyone comes to visit, if you expect to use silverware, you might want to bring your own. I rarely have enough.

Anyway, when recognizing the snake skin on the dryer, I felt a tremor go through me and felt myself jogging in place. If our laundry room hadnít been so confining with barn boots and coats, I would have already rocketed out of there. My mind slowed down on the inside as my body went spastic on the outside. I could feel myself reasoning it out, "This is not a snake. If I explode out of the laundry room now, I could seriously injure myself on barn boots and heavy barn coats." So, my slowed down mind was able to think it through and get in control of the rest of my very active body. So, you can see how this type of panic attack is handy. It saves you from injuries.

One panic attack saved my entire herd of older adult does once. It was a crisp fall day and I was in the house enjoying a cup of tea while looking out the front window. Suddenly a herd of goats appeared out of the woods and started traveling up the paved road in front of our place. I stood there in my mellow mood, sipping tea, thinking, "My, what a fine looking herd of goats someone has, going down the main road." Then it was like an electric shock when through my body. Those were my goats!! Weíre the only ones on this road with a large herd of goats.

Whatever happened to the tea and cup, I donít know. I havenít found that cup to this day. The stains on the ceiling and walls told me where the tea went. My first recollection after recognizing my goats on the road was sailing off the back porch to get a bucket of grain from the cellar house. I donít even remember opening the patio door. All I know is that my brain went into hyper drive and told my stalled feet I would need a bucket of grain to get the goats back and then my feet took over and said, "Okay fine. Faster then the speed of light suit you?"

I had that bucket of grain and was down at the road in record time, the Olympics had nothing over me. Letís see them run with a heavy bucket of grain. The goats were happily traveling up the road and I appeared behind them and started shouting, "Babies, babies!"

All my goats have individual names. It doesnít matter if there is over one hundred goats, they all have their own names and most of them know their own names. But, they also know that their herd name is "Babies". Holler "Babies!" and a pack of goats will show up.

Those goats heard "Babies!" and stopped to find out where the voice was. As they turned around to look at me, I suddenly felt a second panic attack take over. I was standing out in the open with a bucket of grain, now facing around 60 adult goats in this one particular herd. I never go out into a herd of adult goats with a bucket of grain, unless my brain has turned itself off that day. We have a feed area that is fenced off where we can safely put out the grain and then we open a gate to allow the flow of goats to come in and eat. Even a small herd of five goats can get you down if you are in the middle of them with a bucket of grain. Think what 60 goats would do to you if they found you out in the open with a bucket of grain. People would be lucky to find bits of my shoes left by the time the goats were through with me. Piranhas are nothing compared to a herd of goats going after a grain bucket.

After my brain had realized I was standing out in the open, facing a large herd, with a grain bucket, it shouted, "Feet, get out of there!" and then my brain went into hiding. My brain could not face what was going to happen to me if my feet failed me. Thatís where you get that expression, "Feet donít fail me now."

My feet shouted, "Forget faster then the speed of light! Weíre going straight to warp drive!" If youíve never seen a chunky, middle aged woman barreling back to the house, leaving just a cloud of dust and part of a shoe lace behind, well, you should have been there that day. Not only did I make it ahead of that herd of goats, and this includes running up a hill to get to the house, but I also had time to unlatch the gate and throw the gate open, charge into the backyard, set the grain bucket down, and hide behind the cellar house. The dogs in the backyard took one look at the thundering herd fast on my tail, and took off with me to hide behind the cellar house. When all the goats got into the yard and were fighting over the grain bucket, I snuck around them and shut the gate. The backyard dogs skulked behind me with the wrong notion that they would be safe with me.

The goats stayed in the backyard that day until we could find where they had gotten out. The backyard dogs voted to stay with us. Lee was amazed I was able to save that herd of goats in record time. I calmly told him it was because of my finely tuned panic attacks that all goat farmers have, if they own goats long enough. And, also, if they have spouses who put snake skins in their pockets.

THE END

 

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