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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
OUCH
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

"I fought the Sun and the Sun won. I fought the Sun and the Sun won." The words to that particular song came to me the other day. Itís an old rock song, canít remember who sang it and it really says, "I fought the Law and the Law won." Since I never fight with the law but have been doing battle with the sun for years, I figured the original writers wouldnít mind me changing the words a little bit.

The sun and I have had an ongoing argument. It seems I have worked outside most my life and in the summer I tell the sun, "I WILL wear short sleeve shirts, go hatless, and, if itís not the hay field, wear shorts."

The sun has responded by saying, "Burn, baby, burn." The sun is never wordy.

After having several precancerous places removed from my face, my dermatologist informed me that I had cancer now over most my face and also the bottom lip and a couple places on the arm and leg. The good news was that it was not melanoma, just another type that does not spread.

"And have I got a product for you," the dermatologist said. "This medicine in a little tube will take care of that cancer. Just spread this cream all over your face and lip and parts of your arm and leg once a day for 31 days, and it will kill out that cancer. Youíll look a mess, but it will kill out that cancer. And, the worse you look, the better it is for you. Oh, use gloves when applying and throw the gloves away. And, you probably wonĎt feel like eating."

Basically it was chemo in a tube. But, did I hear a challenge? Iíd been doing battle with the sun for years, firmly believing in my right of no hat and short clothes in the summer and had lost that battle. This sounded like a battle and something I could win. I was in.

After all, I was a goat farmer and nothing is tougher than a goat farmer. Look at all the teasing and looks of disbelief we get from everyone when we say what we do. We get it even from the agricultural portion of our country. So, hand me that tube of face medicine and stand back. This goat farmer had to get busy.

First thing I noticed was that the medicine made me very sensitive to sunlight. Youíd see me hot footing (hot facing?) it back to the house to get a big floppy hat. That medicine put a real burn on you if it even came close to sunlight. I started doing the major portion of my chores before the sun came up and after it went down.

I found myself feeling sympathetic to Count Dracula. Poor, poor Count Dracula. I could be sitting in the house and "feel" the sun rising up outside. A burn would start on my face, even without me being in the sun, and help me Hannah if I was standing unprotected outside. You found me diving for shade. I even started mowing our lawn at night. Thank goodness for lawn mower head lights. Lee took to calling me "Count Connie."

After a week the spots started appearing on my face. Looked like I was getting a really bad case of measles. Then the lip swelled, festered, and kept a continual seeping, bleeding thing going. I found myself carrying wet paper towels with me to keep dabbing up that pesky lip. And, Vaseline became a constant companion. Smearing it over the sore places and lip was soothing and kept the lip working. Wonder if Count Dracula ever discovered that when he accidentally stuck his nose out in the daylight?

Mom wanted to know how Lee would ever be able to sit across from me at the dinner table without getting sick. Then she said, "Oh, forget that. He helps with kidding. Heíll be able to stand anything."

So, I asked him that evening as we sat down to supper. I had carefully cut up my meat in small bites to fit in past my yucky lip, and then dabbed at my seeping bleeding lip as I chewed, and asked if he wanted me to go eat in the living room because I was probably making him sick.

"Naw," he answered between bites. "You want the rest of that? If you canít eat it, Iíll finish it for you."

You can see why I love the man. He has such a sweet sensitive soul.

I did have to start drinking all my liquids with a straw, trying to bypass The Lip, as I began to call it. I soon discovered there is an art to drinking hot tea with a straw. You suck too strongly and you got a mouthful of super hot liquid sitting in your mouth. Not good. So, you learn to daintily suck it up.

Day 24 the doctor calls up and wants to see my face. As I walked into the office the receptionist says, "Oh, you look beautiful!" She was so pleased with me. Finally, I had found someone who appreciated my festery face. A fellow in the waiting area didnít bother to look up. He had two teeny tiny red dots on his forehead and I knew by the looks of them they were getting "the treatment."

That fellow was called ahead of me and then finally it was my turn. The nurse was ecstatic. "You look wonderful! You just broke out in sores all over! You know that fellow ahead of you? All he could do was complain and whine how much those two tiny spots hurt. Man, he should have taken a look at you! Men just arenít tough over things like this."

The doctor came in and was almost bouncing up and down in glee. I dabbed at my bleeding festered lip. "So, you think it worked?" I asked.

He informed me I could stop the treatments now and start on the healing. He had this nice tube of cream that would get me on the road of healing. Twice a day for two weeks and donít go over two weeks he warned.

My sister asked me if I would turn into a pumpkin if I went over two weeks. I decided to not challenge the doctor on this. When I started rubbing that cream in, I almost had to peel myself from the ceiling. The healing cream was more hurtful then the treatment! I wimped out and only did one treatment with the cream on the second day. But, I picked up the challenge on the third day and did both treatments. After all, who was I? A GOAT FARMER! I shouted. Whoís tougher then a goat farmer? "NO ONE!" I shouted back. Okay, I was starting to get a little strange there, but I was in pain. Cut me a break.

Day five and itís getting easier to put the healing cream on. And what did the goats think of my strange festered face? They said my grain bucket was looking better and better.

THE END

 

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