1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, Provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail Instead of his tongue." -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M.Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund Freud

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around Three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird Religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of Current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -Franklin P. Jones

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, Half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein