I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a
bed, but fine up against a wall".
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith~
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
We don't need to worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news
is that you are not a hypochondriac.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old
to go anywhere.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
~Paul Hamm, Gymnast~
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."