> I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain~

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain~

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson~

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates~

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx~

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante~

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper~

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levinhtmlrtf~

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol~

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan~

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman~

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain~

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath~

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith~

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope~

A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields~

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields~

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns~

We don't need to worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown~

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown~

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown~

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
~Unknown~

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown~

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown~

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
~Paul Hamm, Gymnast~

"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
~Boxing Analyst~