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I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a
bed, but fine up against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt~
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
~Mark Twain~
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain~
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson~
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates~
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx~
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante~
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper~
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levinhtmlrtf~
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol~
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
~Spike Milligan~
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman~
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
~Mark Twain~
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath~
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith~
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
~Bob Hope~
A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields~
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it.
~W.C. Fields~
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns~
We don't need to worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
~Unknown~
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown~
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news
is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown~
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
~Unknown~
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old
to go anywhere.
~Unknown~
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown~
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
~Paul Hamm, Gymnast~
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
~Boxing Analyst~
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
~Softball announcer~