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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
WRONG TURN
by
Connie S. Reynolds autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

Sometimes a Nanny Berry has to stand up and defend her home state from Hollywood. There are certain things Hollywood likes to poke fun at: church going people, Republicans, and West Virginians. All I know is I’m going to be in deep trouble if I ever land in Hollywood, being slapped with all three.

Lee mentioned to me the other week that he had heard a video was out about West Virginians and it all takes place in West Virginia. Wow. West Virginia had made it to the silver screens again. I rushed out to my favorite convenience/video rental store and rented Wrong Turn. Boy, was I excited. I was going to make a special lunch of it. Normally my lunches on the goat farm is, at best, one half hour long, but today I was going to eat lunch and watch a movie! I got my salad, loaded it with chunks of chicken. Got my bag of pork rinds and my diet Pepsi, and I was ready to party hardy.

But, looking at the cover of the movie, it looked like one of those gory horror movies. Well, maybe looks could be deceiving, so I put it in the VCR. Hmmmmmmm. The gist of the movie was that there were a lot of inbred West Virginia mountain folk who had badly mutated into lumpy men who were carnivores. Any out of state city folk who took a wrong turn down their road, well, you can guess the rest.

Being from the mountains of West Virginia, I was totally shocked and offended with what I saw. Those lumpy mountain men didn’t have a clue on how to cut up meat! I never saw such waste! They were suppose to be hunters and I never saw such a lot of wasted meat. And, they badly bruised the meat, running it, hitting and slashing it until, really it wouldn’t be fit for the table.

And, of all things, who they picked to eat was unbelievable. They were mainly scrawny little women who had as much meat on them as a Banty chicken wing. If those lumpy mountain men had been fishing, I’m sure they would have tossed all those women back, or, at least brought them home to fatten up. Really they would have been far too much trouble to cut up for the amount of meat you would have got. It was down right insulting calling those lumpy wasteful guys West Virginia mountain men.

When I indignantly told Lee about the movie, he said, "Uh, what about them portraying us as inbred mutated people who ate out of state city people. Weren’t you insulted about being that?"

"What?!" I said. "That was nothing compared to how they portrayed out of state city people. They might have thought us inbred mutants, but at least those lumpy guys had a brain between them!"

It was true. The city people they portrayed in the movie, who took the wrong turn, were absolutely clueless. It was like the shock of greenery and clean air had dissolved their brains. They walked into situations that even a three year old would have known better.

One was even a med student and he and his buddies wandered into a really spooky looking cabin, that was huge by the way, looking for a bathroom. Good grief, what did they think bushes were for? I spotted immediately human bones on the plates on the table. He didn’t recognize them for what they were. If nothing else, if they had listened to the movie music, they would have known they were in a dangerous place.

But, on through the cabin they snoop, looking for the bathroom. The lumpy mountain men, by the way, were out catching their next meal, this groups other two friends left by the broke down car. The bright med student opens up a door and inside this room is a generator running and ten or twenty refrigerators are being run from it. At least the mountain men knew how to keep meat from spoiling.

The med student opens a refrigerator door and finds a huge Tupperware bowl. He takes the lid off and it’s absolutely the biggest liver I have ever seen. No way it came from those scrawny little women the mountain men had been catching. They all decide they had better leave because the place really smells and then they hear the lumpy mountain men coming home. At least the city people hide. The lumpy mountain men drag in the body of their very skinny friend, a tiny woman, and throw it on the table to cut up. I don’t know what happened to the guy that had been with her. Maybe the lumpy mountain men got hungry on the way and needed a snack. Anyway, it was all absolutely ridiculous. They used all the wrong knives, wasted most the meat, it was pathetic.

Now the rest of the story is about these city people escaping the lumpy mountain men. They know these lumpy mountain men have guns and bows and arrows. What’s the best way to run away from a gun or a bow and arrow? Why, to a city person, it’s to run in a straight line, staying away from all trees. These city people were brainless. I’d been running like a totally freaked out jack rabbit, darting back and forth, behind every tree and bush, hunting for a hidey hole. Not those city folks. Dumber then hoe handles.

Finally, two of the brainless city people prevail (everyone else was eaten) and they kill the lumpy mountain men (they think) and make it back to the city. The movie was just downright insulting. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up and defend your state, unless of course they have a gun or bows and arrows.

THE END

 

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