Have you noticed all the CSI programs on television now? Letís see, thereís the original and I think itís just called plain olí CSI. Then there is Miami CSI, Navy CSI, and now New York CSI. And, I believe I have thought of another CSI that would be so riveting that people would even watch the commercials for fear of missing one second of this fascinating program, itís Farmer, C.S.I.
It took me a whole day to figure out what CSI actually meant. I donít particularly pay attention to introís on TV programs, so never caught the wrote out version of it. Iíd finally figured out that CSI meant Criminals Stop It! That evening when I proudly told Lee what I had figured out, he calmly informed me it meant Crime Scene Investigation. Well, why on earth didnít he tell me earlier? Here, Iíd wasted a whole day on it. But, I really like my explanation of the initialed letters better. And, I do think Farmer, CSI, would be a smash hit.
Just think, we farmers, particularly goat farmers, are constantly having to figure things out on the farm and a few of us even have microscopes! And, I know I am loaded with flashlights, which seems the principal tool for CSI stories. Have you ever noticed that when these professionals come up on a crime scene, and even though it is broad daylight, they flick out their little flashlights and start looking around. Itís like they canít think unless they have their flashlights on. And, goodness, if itís dark, they are in seventh heaven. If itís in a building at night, they immediately turn off all the lights and wander around with tiny little pen light flashlights looking over the crime scene. Just think how much more they might see if they turned the lights on, or better yet, used a big flashlight that people use around here to spot deer at night.
So, maybe on our Farmer, CSI we might have to change things a little from the normal farmer and have the farmer carry a flashlight in the day time, to look more professional. The other farmers may consider him an idiot, but after all, this is our hit TV show we are making and we can do what we want.
Now, what will Farmer, CSI investigate? Are you kidding? Well, I mean, are you joking? After all, you might be into kidding season right now. But, are you joking?! We have puzzles all the time to figure out and sometimes it is downright criminal how long it takes us to figure it out.
Take for instance you see your herd running terrified and this one little lone figure is trying to keep up with a bucket over his head. The herd has never seen a bucket head goat before (they probably have, but with many goats they blink their eyes and itís a whole new world), you, being Farmer, CSI, immediately grab up your flashlight (I know, I know, itís daylight, but this is TV) and run out there and flash the herd with your flashlight. Which they totally ignore because the sun is too bright too see a little olí flashlight. Then, you turn it on the bucket head goat and surmise (figure out) that you had left that particular bucket out in the field and one goat stuck its head in it and when it lifted its head, the bucket came up with it! Thusly, scaring all the rest of the herd within an inch of their lives! So, you quickly remedy that problem and take the bucket off the goatís head.
Voila! Case solved. The herd recognizes their long lost friend. But, you have another problem, now you are holding a bucket out in the middle of a herd of goats. And, they think you are carrying the feed bucket! They charge towards you! You donít even have time to flash your flashlight at them. You fling the bucket up in the air and take off running, hoping to come back later and get that bucket before you have another bucket head goat stampede.
Okay, next case, you walk out in the pasture and look down at the ground at the pudding on the ground. No, itís not real pudding, but what should be goat berries, some goat has put down something that looks like pudding. We whip out our flashlight and look closely at the pudding again. Hmmmmm, we say. We turn the little flashlight on the herd. Whatís this?! Goats are walking around and some have a smear along their sides. Is this continuing on with the pudding theme? Why, yes it is. We turn our flashlight onto a doeís behind and there it is! A dirty behind! Sheís the one passing the pudding, plus smearing the other doesí sides as they walk too close to her. Another one solved for the books.
See, Farmer, CSI would have everything - action, adventure, suspense, and plenty of flashlights. Itís bound to be a hit. When I discussed this with Lee, he thought so too. I told him the only thing that could be better would be West Virginia CSI. We both paused at that thought and just about fell off our chairs laughing. Why laugh? The reputation of West Virginia is a bunch of uneducated, hick, hillbillies, with a moonshine still in every backyard and home plumbing involves an outhouse. As professional CSIís , weíd be running around in bibs, flannel shirts, and carrying lanterns, because we wouldnít have flashlights. But, you know, olí Blue here, the bloodhound, has more sensors in his nose then any of those new fangled investigating machines. Heíd have a case figured out, the villain caught before the big city CSIís would get the batteries changed in their flashlights.