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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
REAP THE WHIRL WIND
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmsboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Often times I find that just living life gets in the way of my goat farming. Not too long ago the doctor looked at me and said, "You are getting of that age (really past it). It is time for you to start your colonoscopy screenings." Have you ever noticed that after you get a certain age, these doctors start thinking of all sorts of things to do to you to keep you occupied? It’s like they think you look really bored and they can think of things to keep you busy, your time filled to the last minute.

I won’t even get into what a gynecologist can think up, our family doctor can think up plenty of his own activities for you. After putting it off for several months, I did have kidding and bottle feeding to get through, and then hay season, and then ... Shucks, I had a spare couple of days there and the doctor set up my colonoscopy screening. Rats.

The first thing they do is have the hospital call you a week before the screening to run tests to make sure you are fit enough to go through colonoscopy. When the nurse sit me down and asked if it was alright for people, other then the doctor and the nurses, to be in the room during my screening, I just stared at her. Who on earth would want to watch that? I about fell off the chair laughing and asked that very question. I wouldn’t want to be there, much less want to watch it.

She primly informed me that med students and drug representatives were present, if I okayed it. I thought, why not? I’ll be knocked out. But, no pictures, I told her. She looked shocked. But the instrument they use was a camera to take videos and pictures for the doctor’s records. I told her that would be fine, but I wasn’t handing out autographs.

I was given my instructions for preparing myself for colonoscopy and told to drink this very special liquid the day before to "clean" myself out for the next day testing. And, I was to only eat clear liquids from lunch time on and no liquids after midnight. The nurse said I shouldn’t get more then ten foot from the house after drinking that special concoction. Hey, I have animals to care for, what were these people thinking?

That special day arrived for my cleaning out time and earlier I had done all the chores I could to get them out of the way. Particularly after hearing some friends and relatives horror tales of drinking the stuff and not taking the warnings seriously.

I soon discovered I could get no more then ten foot from the bathroom. I pretty much stayed in or near the bathroom from 2 p.m. that afternoon until 3:30 a.m. the next morning. If you have a spouse and/or family, it’s really good to have two bathrooms in the house, because you pretty much take up occupation of the one. If you have just the one bathroom, now is the time to tell the family that the woods are particularly peaceful and beautiful this time of year for their "contemplation" or possibly even the corner filling station bathroom is their bathroom for a while. They’ll understand and stay out of your path.

I spent so much time in the bathroom, I started making plans on where to put the TV, the phone, coming up with new decorating ideas. Maybe a library rack with all the new books and magazines. A tea caddy for cups of tea? No, that might be a bit too much.

I was to be at the hospital by 5:45 a.m. so Lee and I got up at 3:30 a.m. Since I had been up most the night making bathroom decorating plans, I felt like it would be safe to help with the feeding. We had to wake the goats up to feed them. They were a little grouchy about it at first, but feed buckets always perk them up.

At the hospital the nurse put me in a little cubicle with one of those famous hospital gowns to put on. She then came in and put the IV in and wanted to know quite seriously about how much pain I could stand. I almost bragged that I had a really high thresh hold to pain and I stopped. Am I crazy?!!! I don’t want this to hurt. There was a wall chart on the wall with 10-12 smiley faces representing levels of pain. The little smiley faces got sadder and sadder as they went down the line until the last one was downright weeping in agony.

I pointed to the second from the first smiley face, showing an only very slightly concerned smiley face. I told the nurse I was a real wuss. I couldn’t take pain at all, no. 2 was at much as I could take.

She wrote it down and then told me that when I got to surgery, they would fill me up with gas. I asked what on earth for. She said so the camera could fit in better. First I had pictures in my mind of a bicycle pump and next came this picture of a huge 35 mm camera. Then, she firmly told me I was to get rid of that gas when I got into recovery and also when brought back down here. It was very important I got rid of the gas or I would not be allowed to go home. She sternly told me to not be polite, but let go of the gas. I got the idea.

They took me onto the next waiting area where the doctor, anesthesiologist, and several others came by to say hello and at fifteen after 8 a.m. they started to wheel be down the corridor to the surgery. That’s all I remember, being in that corridor. They really took me seriously that I could not stand pain. Boy, was I happy.

I woke up in recovery talking. I immediately knew I was out of surgery and my jaws were going a mile a minute. What was I talking about? My goats, of course! Explaining to anyone that walked by what a Boer goat was, how beautiful they were, what a lot of fun they were and also a lot of work if you ran over 100 head, and on and on and on. The doctor called Lee, who was in the waiting room, and told him I was awake and talking. He seemed to find that awfully funny. And, here I was seriously trying to educate everyone about goats.

What was the reoccurring question after that by every nurse that walked by? "Are you passing gas? Have you passed gas?" Finally, in the cubicle where I first started, another nurse asked me that question and I firmly told her, "Just don’t straighten or lift the covers." I was very concerned over everyone’s health on that floor. She seemed satisfied with that answer and never asked me again.

They soon turned me loose and Lee and I went out to celebrate. I hadn’t ate or drank anything since 6:30 p.m. and I had made many bathroom visits from that special drink, so feeling very depleted, we headed to McDonald’s. As you all know, Lee and I have been on that low carb Atkins’ diet since last spring and what did we get at McDonald’s? Besides the approved sausage and eggs, we got one of those high carb lovely biscuits. If you haven’t had a biscuit in over a year, it was glorious.

A few days later the doctor’s office called to inform me that the polyp the doctor took out was not cancerous, but suspicious enough that I would need another colonoscopy in a year. When I told Lee, he looked at me with a big happy face and said, "And, can we get another biscuit?" That’s the first thing I thought too. When life hands you a biscuit, don’t forget to butter it.

THE END

 

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