Since I have this habit of falling over the hill while caring for the goats, Lee has decided to make me carry a cell phone. That way, if I can’t get back up the hill, I can call and tell him where to find me.

In my defense of being less than graceful, we do own a hill farm. The hills in some areas are steep enough that you have to grab hold of tree roots, brush, and grape vines to help you climb up the hill, or basically sit and scoot to get down the hill, grabbing the same tree roots and grape vines and brush to slow you down. The easier walking areas are steep enough to make you cough and wheeze as you walk up them and you have to take the hill at an angle to get back down. So, it’s not like I’m casually walking out of the house and just simply fall over the hill. I put up a fight before I fall over the hill.

Then you have the goats themselves who are ever so helpful when your balance is tottering. They either charge up and try to knock you off the path since they are so much more agile. Or, in great friendliness, they lean against you to get petted or even rear up and put their front feet on your chest to look you in the eye and say, "Hi." There are also the ones who innocently are lying and chewing their cud when you back up to look at something, you just flip over them. So it’s not entirely my fault that I keep falling over the hill.

Lee, ever concerned over my well being and fearful I might get hurt and he would have to do all the chores, got me a cell phone to keep tabs on me and so I can also phone for help on one of my unexpected trips over a hill that I can’t climb back up out of. Personally, I hate the thing. I am not techno minded. The thing is entirely too complicated for me. Did you know it stores people’s phone numbers that you can supposedly find and click and it will dial for you? At least it does if you know how to do such a thing. Lee has showed me over and over and it just doesn’t stick. I just wasn’t made for this century with all the high technology like dish washers and microwaves.

Oh, sure I have a microwave. And, it and I have an agreement. If I punch this one button, it promises to heat up whatever is put in there and not burn it too badly. Did you know if you forget and put an empty cup in the microwave and hit that button, it blows the cup up? I was in a hurry one day, desperately wanting a cup of tea. I remembered the cup and the tea bag, forgot the water. Not only does it blow up the cup, but it does a real number on the microwave too. I blew up two cups and two microwaves that way. Hey, it doesn’t take me long to figure out not to do that again.

So, why on earth does Lee think I can handle a cell phone? He always has been an optimistic person. Even my mom has got into this idea of how useful a cell phone is and insists I carry one. But, she pushes it too far. She insists I lock the buttons.

It seems like one day my crazy cell phone called her three times while in my pocket. She said all she heard was buckets clanging, goats hollering, me talking to the goats, and once me calling one of the bucks to dinner. She kept hearing cheerful shouts of, "Nico! Nico!" She tried to get my attention by yelling my name, whistling, and finally had to give up. Because I just couldn’t hear my talking pocket with all the racket I was making.

She tried to tell me how to lock the buttons on my cell phone, but it was all a bunch of techno-jargon to me. How a 76 year old woman could be so up to date is beyond me. She has willingly leaped into the 21st century while Lee is still trying to drag me kicking and screaming from the 20th century.

I guess I should be thankful. What if Lee had got me one of those phones that takes pictures, plays music, even records videos? I would never figure out how to call out for someone to come and get me out of the holler. I’d be sitting there looking at the pictures I accidentally took while rolling down the hill. Or, watching the live action video of me rolling down the hill. Better yet, playing an action adventure theme song of me rolling down the hill while videoing the entire thing, plus taking pictures to send to friends.

Here’s another thing, half the time you can’t get a signal if you just drive around a curve in our area. Your phone is just dead or it’s busy sending out every other word or part of a word to whoever you have tried to phone. I could see me rolling over the hill, finding it too steep to climb back up, and unable to get a signal. I figure if someone up above walks by close enough, I could throw the phone at them and get their attention, so that might work.

And, if I could call someone to tell them I am stuck at the bottom of a hill, how do I give directions? "I’m right here between this rock and a tree." I think my real hope lies with our big livestock guard dogs. They are always snoopy, checking out anything different for a minute or two before going back to the goats. Get hold of one of their collars and you can figure you will be taken back to the goats, who may end up knocking you back over the hill, but you have a chance.

I guess there’s no way around it. I’m stuck with a cell phone in my pocket. One word of advice, if your pocket does start talking to you and you know you’ve really got the keys locked or forgot to carry the thing, I’d seriously consider throwing those jeans away.