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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
TALKING POCKETS
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Since I have this habit of falling over the hill while caring for the goats, Lee has decided to make me carry a cell phone. That way, if I canít get back up the hill, I can call and tell him where to find me.

In my defense of being less than graceful, we do own a hill farm. The hills in some areas are steep enough that you have to grab hold of tree roots, brush, and grape vines to help you climb up the hill, or basically sit and scoot to get down the hill, grabbing the same tree roots and grape vines and brush to slow you down. The easier walking areas are steep enough to make you cough and wheeze as you walk up them and you have to take the hill at an angle to get back down. So, itís not like Iím casually walking out of the house and just simply fall over the hill. I put up a fight before I fall over the hill.

Then you have the goats themselves who are ever so helpful when your balance is tottering. They either charge up and try to knock you off the path since they are so much more agile. Or, in great friendliness, they lean against you to get petted or even rear up and put their front feet on your chest to look you in the eye and say, "Hi." There are also the ones who innocently are lying and chewing their cud when you back up to look at something, you just flip over them. So itís not entirely my fault that I keep falling over the hill.

Lee, ever concerned over my well being and fearful I might get hurt and he would have to do all the chores, got me a cell phone to keep tabs on me and so I can also phone for help on one of my unexpected trips over a hill that I canít climb back up out of. Personally, I hate the thing. I am not techno minded. The thing is entirely too complicated for me. Did you know it stores peopleís phone numbers that you can supposedly find and click and it will dial for you? At least it does if you know how to do such a thing. Lee has showed me over and over and it just doesnít stick. I just wasnít made for this century with all the high technology like dish washers and microwaves.

Oh, sure I have a microwave. And, it and I have an agreement. If I punch this one button, it promises to heat up whatever is put in there and not burn it too badly. Did you know if you forget and put an empty cup in the microwave and hit that button, it blows the cup up? I was in a hurry one day, desperately wanting a cup of tea. I remembered the cup and the tea bag, forgot the water. Not only does it blow up the cup, but it does a real number on the microwave too. I blew up two cups and two microwaves that way. Hey, it doesnít take me long to figure out not to do that again.

So, why on earth does Lee think I can handle a cell phone? He always has been an optimistic person. Even my mom has got into this idea of how useful a cell phone is and insists I carry one. But, she pushes it too far. She insists I lock the buttons.

It seems like one day my crazy cell phone called her three times while in my pocket. She said all she heard was buckets clanging, goats hollering, me talking to the goats, and once me calling one of the bucks to dinner. She kept hearing cheerful shouts of, "Nico! Nico!" She tried to get my attention by yelling my name, whistling, and finally had to give up. Because I just couldnít hear my talking pocket with all the racket I was making.

She tried to tell me how to lock the buttons on my cell phone, but it was all a bunch of techno-jargon to me. How a 76 year old woman could be so up to date is beyond me. She has willingly leaped into the 21st century while Lee is still trying to drag me kicking and screaming from the 20th century.

I guess I should be thankful. What if Lee had got me one of those phones that takes pictures, plays music, even records videos? I would never figure out how to call out for someone to come and get me out of the holler. Iíd be sitting there looking at the pictures I accidentally took while rolling down the hill. Or, watching the live action video of me rolling down the hill. Better yet, playing an action adventure theme song of me rolling down the hill while videoing the entire thing, plus taking pictures to send to friends.

Hereís another thing, half the time you canít get a signal if you just drive around a curve in our area. Your phone is just dead or itís busy sending out every other word or part of a word to whoever you have tried to phone. I could see me rolling over the hill, finding it too steep to climb back up, and unable to get a signal. I figure if someone up above walks by close enough, I could throw the phone at them and get their attention, so that might work.

And, if I could call someone to tell them I am stuck at the bottom of a hill, how do I give directions? "Iím right here between this rock and a tree." I think my real hope lies with our big livestock guard dogs. They are always snoopy, checking out anything different for a minute or two before going back to the goats. Get hold of one of their collars and you can figure you will be taken back to the goats, who may end up knocking you back over the hill, but you have a chance.

I guess thereís no way around it. Iím stuck with a cell phone in my pocket. One word of advice, if your pocket does start talking to you and you know youíve really got the keys locked or forgot to carry the thing, Iíd seriously consider throwing those jeans away.

THE END

 

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