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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

I really love our baby monitors down at the barn. You can hear everything that goes on and I canít tell you how many times I have ran over the hill to save a kid or help a doe deliver. So, baby monitors are great. But, sometimes... Okay, sometimes you just get tired of hearing too much. Oh, I donít mean tired of delivering kids or saving a kid that has escaped into the wrong stall and that doe is trying to kill him.

So help me, sometimes you think the does are remodeling your entire barn. At times you hear so much thumping and banging and you find yourself asking what was that? Was that a saw? I could have sworn I heard a drill, too. And, when you run down to see what on earth is going on. All the does and kids look at you so innocently and they are so quiet. You wonder if you went to the right barn.

Sometimes you get really tired of frantically running over the hill to the barn and finding absolutely nothing wrong. I mean, I donít want something to be wrong, but why on earth did I just about break my neck running down an icy hill because it sounded like the end of the world had just arrived in my barn and only I could save all my critters, and then they just turn their heads to stare at me, asking, what is her problem? You can just see them thinking, Why is she in her house shoes? Thereís three foot of snow outside and sheís in her house shoes! And, no coat! These humans sure are wacky.

Up at the house, listening to the baby monitor, you really would believe that somehow the goats had got hold of Leeís tools and they were sawing and hammering to make the stalls the way they wanted them. Why I say Leeís tools, is that I donít have any tools except my trusty duct tape. I can just about fix anything with duct tape, including patching clothes. Anyway, in between all this sawing, hammering, and drilling you hear, the goats are whooping and hollering at each other. In goat language it sounds like they are hollering, "Pass that saw over here. This main post in the barn is totally unnecessary. And, can you believe where they put that beam? Iím cutting it out. Anybody got anymore nails? Iím almost out." I really expect to see the barn totally rearranged when I go down.

But, what am I talking about. They donít need tools. Tools are for the inept, not for a goat. Have you ever noticed a goatís upper lip? It has a type of split in it. They can maneuver those lips to take apart anything you put up in a barn, particularly if you are like me and tie everything or duct tape it. They can take apart in minutes what you have spent hours in tying up.

I remember one time tying up our pvc pipe grain feeders along the fence. Several all neatly tied up with my favorite hay twine, ready for the next feeding. Sure it took me a couple of hours to get everything just right, but it was worth it. I let the goats in the feed area to get fed, came back a half hour later to shut the gate after they had left, and what do I find? Yep, my feeders all neatly untied and lying on the ground, string still through the holes. I would challenge any Boy Scout to tie a knot, any knot, and I bet a goat, particularly a kid, will have it untied in minutes. Itís mind boggling. These scientist are crazy to think that apeís are the smartest because they have those fingers and thumbs. Goats are ten times smarter with that little split lip of theirs. Youíve should have seen all the little grain feeders I tied up in the barn. Yep, in minutes they all were down. The only thing to discourage a goat from untying something is to put so many knots in it that they get bored. Thatís why all the things I have tied up look so weird and why I have to use so much string.

So, why on earth do the goats in the barn need to make such a racket? I really think itís just to drive me crazy. I can see them down there egging each other on to make a noise that will make me show up at the barn wild eyed and sure that someone is in their death throes. Why not turn the baby monitors off so I can get some rest? Youíve got to be joking! Someone might need me. I might miss something. Itís like being addicted to your favorite TV show. Youíve just got to see what happens next. With a baby monitor, youíve just got to hear what happens next, particularly in kidding season.

With all my complaining about them, I have to admit that I now have a nice extra bonus in listening to the baby monitors. One day I heard this continuous soft little whimpering sound. Intrigued, I ran down the hill to discover what it was. There, in winter, was a house wren. At least thatís what I think it is. A tiny brown bird with dark brown streaks and a long narrow beak for eating bugs. It was making this little whimpering sound as it hunted through the cobwebs for bugs to eat. Since I never knock down the cobwebs, it was finding a feast of dried bugs, and was happily making itís busy little whimpering sound as it worked. Now I thought they left in the winter, but evidently this guy decided to stay because of the feast he found in our barn. He can walk up and down walls, even hang upside down on the ceiling checking out interesting webs. Very social, he will fly over to where I am bottle feeding to say Hello and then go on his way, searching out the cobwebs. At least twice a day he has to break out in a beautiful song. So, without those baby monitors, I would truly miss a wonderful concert.

But, those goats... Right at the moment I am listening to a squealing sound. You know the sound children make when they are pretending to drive a car and itís going around a tight corner. You wonder what on earth that is? Ha! One of my does absolutely has to make that sound before she brings up a cud to chew. It sort of makes your hair stand on end until you realize itís only Bernice bringing up her cud.

Now what was that? It sounded like someone started up a microwave down there. Is that popcorn I hear popping and a TV being turned on? Good Grief. Iíd better run down and check this out. If they are going to throw a party, I donít want to be late!

THE END

 

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