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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Thereís a rumor going up and down the valley about a scarecrow goat seller. It seems someone driving by a farm saw a scarecrow walking around, talking to people, picking up goats and setting them in trucks, accepting money, and waving as the people drove off.

This scarecrow was wearing a scraggily old woolen toboggan on itís head, blonde/gray fly away hair sticking out everywhere from underneath the shaggy hat, a torn dark blue winter coat with stuffing sticking out, old corduroy jeans, scuffed up rubber barn boots, and muddy goat kid foot prints all over the coat, jeans, and boots. They were amazed the thing seemed to be able to walk and talk and carry goats and talk to buyers without scaring the buyers and the goats off.

Strange. You know, I have a scraggily old woolen toboggan that keeps my head warm and controls my flighty shoulder length hair, a dark blue winter coat that has seen better days and it certainly use to have more stuffing. I also like wearing corduroy jeans that have been bought from yard sales. My rubber barn boots have seen better days and I constantly wear muddy goat hoof prints from friendly kids jumping all over me. I wonder where that scarecrow got itís outfit? It sounds very comfortable and affordable.

Thinking about it, itís a wonder I donít scare buyers off with some of the outfits I wear. Probably because goat buyers are a brave lot if they are willing to buy from that rumored scarecrow. Take the other day, a couple of retired gentlemen called and wanted to come and look at my weaned baby bucks. One needed a buck for his herd and the other just wanted to look.

I had just finished eating lunch, which included a salad with zesty Italian dressing. Zesty by meaning, loaded with garlic. I love garlic. Fortunately, Lee loves garlic too so we get along great. In fact, the goats dearly love my breath and frequently come up to me, lift their heads up as close to my face as possible and wait for me to breathe on them.

When that fog of garlic wafts over them from my breath, they breathe in deeply and sigh in appreciation. They act like they wonder where I graze and hope they can find the same spot too. But, you have to remember what a goatís breath is like. If youíve ever been burped on by a goat, you know their breath is strong enough to take the paint off your truck. So, with my love of zesty salads, my breath is strong enough to knock your socks off at five foot away. That makes me really popular with my goats, plus the fact I also carry a grain bucket a lot.

The buyers that appear on my place are always nicely dressed, even if they sometimes appear in bibs. The bibs are always sparkling clean and the buyers just look down right spiffy. When I step out of the house, they might blink, but they donít say a word about my comfortable old barn clothes covered in goat hair and usually mud from happy kids. Then add on my love of garlic, well, I have a bunch of repeat customers who are exceedingly brave or realize they donít have to take garlic themselves to cure what ails them, they just need to hang around with me.

I recognize that my love of zesty Italian dressing could be a draw back so I always pop a mint in my mouth before going out to greet customers, or make it a point to stand and talk goats with them beside the bucks pens. If they think the bucks are smelling particularly strong, well, Iím not about to tell them any different.

Anyway, the two retired gentlemen showed up, never blinked as I stepped out in my above mentioned favorite barn outfit. We headed to the buck kid pens where twenty-four 3-4 month handsome little fellows were eagerly waiting. They love meeting new people.

To keep the two gentlemen clean so they would be allowed to step back into their homes by their wives, I stood on the outside of the pen and pointed different bucks out whose bloodlines they were interested in. In exasperation, the future baby buck buyer stated he wanted to go into the pen. That you couldnít really tell what they were like by standing outside a pen and looking in.

I made it clear that these boys were friendly and I was afraid they would get them so dirty their wives wouldnít allow them back in the house. They said a little dirt never hurt anybody. You know, I donít think they understood what I meant about the boys being friendly. They probably thought the boys would walk calmly away from them when they walked into their pen to look them over.

I doubtfully said all right, follow me. In I bravely marched. In the two gentlemen innocently walked. Before they knew what hit was going on, about six boys joyfully jumped on me in happiness to get petted. After I had picked myself up, I saw three boys each joyfully jumping on the men, another five were standing in line to get a chance, the others had us surrounded. They were so happy. They had company.

The menís clothes instantly started looking like mine, covered in tiny muddy hoof prints. Bravely the men tried to stand their ground, but the happy baby bucks were pushing them all over the pen. These babies hadnít had this much fun since yesterday. They loved guests.

The future buyer hurriedly picked out a baby buck he liked and we fled the pen. No way catching or just simply picking up the kid now with all the other baby bucks trying to get into your arms. I would have to put out grain to distract them to safely extract the one he wanted.

The grain worked like a charm. I put the collar on the kid the buyer wanted, led/dragged the kid out of the pen. Who suddenly realized he was no longer near the grain, flew around the barnyard in protest, looking for a gate to go back in with his grain eating buddies. Oh, I was still hanging onto his collar, but that didnít slow him down any until I reached out and grabbed a post on our second trip around. I hung on for dear life, one hand on the collar, one arm wrapped around the post.

The gentlemen couldnít help because both had had surgeries and would never be able to lift more then a pound or two again. I bravely made my way to their truck with the protesting baby buck, lifted him up, one end at a time, and put him in the big dog cage the fellow had in his camper top. The fellow was pleased as punch with his new purchase, handed me the money, I handed him a receipt, and waved them off as they waited and pulled out after several people drove buy, studiously watching me.

As I said, I donít know where that scarecrow goat seller is located, but as soon as I find out, Iím going to go take a look. Maybe I can find out where he gets his comfortable sounding outfits and get a few for myself.

THE END

 

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