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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
SHORT TIGHT STEPS AND OTHER ODD EVENTS
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Life is full of oddities. Strange little events that happen that wouldn’t quite make a story but there they are, plunked down right in the middle of your goat farming. You find yourself stepping back and saying, “Boy, that was weird,” you hesitate a second, and then just go on with life.

A week or two ago we had an artic front come through the area. It was only six degrees Fahrenheit, but it felt an unusually cold six degrees. You know it’s really really cold when you go outside to do the feeding and see icicles hanging down from the bucks’ sheaths. No joking here. The bucks were walking around with icicles hanging from their sheaths. Now, that’s cold, besides being a very odd event.

Last week I heard a goat calling out in distress. I looked out the window and saw Priscilla the Hun, the meanest goat on the place that is now being babysat by a young buck because she is just too mean to be put out with the other pregnant girls, lying flat on her back, screaming for help. She couldn’t turn over. She was stuck.

You have to realize that Pricilla is as broad as she is long. How she gets this fat is beyond me. She gets a handful of grain a day and all the second cutting orchard grass hay she wants, and has a protein block, if she wants it, but she never does. And, here she is as wide as she is long, has laid down for a good roll and got stuck on her back. It’s like a table that has decided to roll. It just can’t be done.

It is funny and scary at the same time. Funny that she got stuck that way, scary that if she stayed that way very long that she would die. Her organs were not meant to be upside down like that.

I charged outside, throwing on my husband’s old barn boots at the back door and basically went running in what appeared to be those too big shoes that you see the circus clowns wearing. I had to get to Priscilla fast, yet I also had to keep an eye on that young buck who was with her who could get quite territorial about his pen.

I ran with my floppy shoes down that hill and where the fat doe was, sprawled out, belly exposed, legs flailing, and I grabbed a front leg and a back leg and started tugging. The whole time I was keeping an eye on the young buck. He ran down the hill to see what I was up to, saw Priscilla’s predicament, and stood there in amazement. I pulled hard and flipped Priscilla over and out of the corner of my eye I saw the buck fly backwards, and start rearing and shaking his horns in my direction, but staying well back.

In other words, he was saying, “Sister, you better not try that with me. No sireee bob, you’d better not.” But, he kept bouncing backwards, just in case I had really long arms that could catch him and flip him like I just did Priscilla. He let me leave his pen in peace, staying well back from me.

When I have to buy feed, I leave early in the mornings. We get it mixed in the next county at a large feed mill. I call a day or two ahead of time and put my order in so I don’t have to wait a couple of hours there to get my feed mixed. Usually I am timing it just right to be back in time for the next bottle feeding or keeping an eye on due to kid does. This one day they didn’t have it mixed, plus they were busy waiting on customers. I had to wait a long time.

Finally, the fellow that runs the mill in the back, came out to apologize to me. You have to understand first that I have one of those unusual faces. Frequently while grocery shopping or whatever, strangers will stop me to talk. They tell me all the things that are going on in their lives, some very personal, and Lee will find me standing and literally crying with folks over their misfortunes. He’ll ask me afterwards if that was a friend and I’ll say I never saw that person before in my life. He shakes his head and says he’s never seen the like. The only thing I can think is that I basically walk around looking absolutely clueless. A clueless person is very non threatening. So, I get told stuff.

This young fellow started out with a polite apology and then he just couldn’t help himself after one look at my face. He explained to me he had got terribly sick last night and had to sit on the pot all night with a waste basket also between his legs as he battled the intestinal flu. While he was telling me this, my first reaction was, “Why are you over here near me with your flu?” Then as he went into more descriptions as just how miserable he was, I kept thinking of my younger sister whenever she innocently calls and asks how kidding is going. I’d find myself going into great detail of some particularly interesting kidding. Soon I’d hear her gag out, “TMI! TMI!” (Too Much Info) over the phone.

That was exactly how I was feeling when the young fellow was telling me in earnest how sick he was. I asked how he was feeling now at work. He said, “Pepto!” with a thumbs up. He also added that he still had to be careful and take only short, tight steps, and he always had to stay near the bathroom. Well, thankfully my feed had arrived at that moment so I didn’t have to comment about that. And, also thankfully, he didn’t attempt to strain and load my feed, he let another fellow do it.

I’ll have to admit, short tight steps is something we rarely take here on the farm. The goats won’t let us. We were worming and then trimming feet of the 9 month old bucks the other day. All was going along quite nicely, until suddenly, for some unknown reason, Salsa decided we were really there to eat him. He listens to gossip too much.

Over the hill he flew, which wouldn’t have been a problem except that Lee was still hanging on to him. No short tight steps there! I believe Lee was taking ten foot strides with each step. The only way Lee got Salsa stopped was by aiming him at the electric fence. Salsa is no dummy and stopped before he and Lee would have hit the electric fence.

So, if you find odd events happening in your life, just go along with it. Before too long something else much stranger will happen to make you think that the previous odd event was really quite normal in comparison. Thus, is the life of a goat farmer.

THE END

 

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