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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Once again it has been too long since I have written. I understand how you wait with bated breath for the next installment of my goat farming saga, knowing that I have the dream job of all jobs. But, this exhilarating work just keeps me outside and away from the computer too much to do too many letters.

I hope all is well with you and your spouse and children, if you have any. Lee and I find ourselves well, in spite of the herd of goats that ran over Lee’s sore foot and now he walks with a decided limp and has to wear one shoe size larger to fit that swollen foot. Not wanting to waste the other shoe, he goes ahead and wears it on his good foot, though obviously too big. The flopping like a big clown shoe doesn’t seem to scare the goats too badly.

I myself am sitting here with an ice bag on my forehead and one on my chin. One of my other favorite nephews happened to be telling me one day about a home video show where a man went out into the pasture with two big billys and pretended like he was going to head butt them. Well, one of the billys took offence and butted heads with that fellow and almost knocked him into the next county.

The next day I went into a stall bringing fresh water to a doe who had two of the cutest two month old kids you’d ever seen, a boy and a girl. I set the water down and bent over to pet the kids and the young billy reared up and launched himself and head butted me in the forehead. I couldn’t believe it! Nothing like that has ever happened to me until that nephew of mine told me that story. I staggered around the stall a bit, trying to find the door, and made a foggy mental note to tell that nephew to quit telling me any more goat stories.

Not long after that Lee and I decided to wean some of the kids. He told me to go get this one young doe and lift her over the stall door for him to take to the weaning area. I bent down and tried to pick this young doe up. In great surprise at my actions, she leapt upwards and hit me under the chin, snapping my jaws shut, causing me to bit my tongue. Adding insult to injury, she then ended up too heavy to lift. So, I picked up her front end and walked her on her rear legs to where Lee was waiting and partially picked her up enough for Lee to get hold of her.

Lee asked what was wrong, seeing tears streaming down my cheeks. Misunderstanding my tears, he gently told me that they would miss their mommy for a couple of days and then they would be all right. I would have explained to him that my tears were from pain. My tongue hurt too much to talk if I could have, but it seemed to have instantly swelled up and I was unable to mumble a word. I might have been able to drool out, “Ah, bat ma ung.” But then I would have to explain what I had just said, so I just kept still. It was definitely a no win situation. Anyway, the ice pack on my bruised chin and forehead and the ice cube on my tongue seems to be working and things are going nice and numb.

Yes, we are getting ready for hay season. It’s been such a warm week our hay farmer decided to put up some round bales. Being cut this early in the season, the first cutting this year is going to be exceptional in food value and tenderness. It makes you want to get out a bowl and spoon and try some, it smells so good. When we brought in the first twenty round bales that evening, we thought we had a section of the hay barn all ready to go. We then realized it wasn’t all going to fit.

So, at nine o’clock at night, we decided to rearrange the hay barn and put those twenty round bales in a better location. Which meant moving some does and a buck that we had in one part of the barn and pasture area out to another area.

Unfortunately, that area had a pen where three For Sale bucks were housed. They took much interest in the new girls on the other side of their fence, which absolutely infuriated the girls’ buck that was with them. A bunch of name calling followed between the bucks, along with snorting and more insults.

We ignored all this as we hurriedly worked in the dark with flashlights. Finally, at midnight we were finished. I went on up to the house to shower and get ready for bed and Lee was going to open the gate and let the girls and their buck back into their original pasture.

Finally at 1 a.m. Lee showed up greatly disheveled (that’s a fancy word for really a mess) and told me what had happened. Evidently the girls’ buck heard an insult that he could no longer take, and battered the gate open to get in with those three bucks to teach them manners.

With great wisdom the girls stayed out of that pen and hid. The bucks in the For Sale pen were dehorned and when they charged to meet the attack of the girls’ buck, they realized he had horns. Basically, two of them immediately stood back to egg their other pen mate into whipping the horned buck. A huge battle ensued. Horns or not, the dehorned buck was determined to whip the horned buck, especially with his buddies standing around shouting, “Yeah, you can take him! Have no fear of those horns! You can do it! Fred and I will stand over here and let you get all the glory of whipping that guy!”

Lee finally got everyone separated and into their proper pens and came to the house to collapse. Never fear, Lee is fine, but I don’t want you to feel bad because you have nothing exciting to relate to us in your next letter. Living in the city must be terribly boring so I am glad my letters can lighten up your drab existence. Any time you want some excitement, please feel free to drop by. And, the most exciting time is during hay season, particularly when hauling and carrying square bales in 90 degree temperatures and 100% humidity. We’ll be looking for you.

Your Relative,
Connie

THE END

 

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