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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
Goatlife 101
by Keith Smith

Ouch!... Now, THAT hurt! Where's the food? It's cold! Where's the food? What's that? Feels Good! Oh, she's cleaning me. I LOVE her! I'm hungry! Where's the food? There it is! I have to get up and go to the food! I can't believe it -- she knocked me over! How can I get to the food if she keeps pushing me down? Can't she see that I don't know how to use my legs yet and anyway Iím clean enough? OK... now she's pushing me toward the food! Come ON -- I know there's food in there. Why won't my mouth go around the thing the food is in? ALL-RIGHT!! Finally made it. Now, that tastes good! Now she's pushing me again."Hey! I'm clean, already. Let me eat!" OK, She's the boss.

(Senjin has just received his first lesson in the mandatory course GoatLife 101; The one who controls the food is boss).

Whatís that? Looks like a big animal. Doesnít have any hair and I donít see any ears on it. Mommy isnít afraid so I guess it wonít hurt me. "Hey! Put me down. HELP, Mommy!" Where is he taking me? "Put me down, I said!" I want my Mommy. "Put me down!" Ok, thatís better. How does he expect me to stand on this slick surface? The little red numbers that the big animal is looking at are real pretty. "Hey! Mommy already checked me. I have all my parts so you can just leave me alone, ok?" Oh-oh. Here we go again! "Put me down put me down put me down MOMMY HELP put me down put me down HELP anybody out there HELP!" Oh, there you are, Mommy. Iím hungry.

This is fun! "See, mommy - when I jump against the back of the stall it makes a neat noise!" Sheís ignoring me again. Well, Iíve got a cure for that -- Iíll just bite her ear. OOPS! She didnít seem to like that. Oh, well. I guess itís time to eat again. Iím So-o-o-o tired. Nap time.

Momís going outside with that big animal. He brings her food so he must be her boss. Sheís my boss and sheís my mom and she wonít take me anywhere I could get hurt. "Hey, Mom! Wait for me" Itís so big out here! "Look, Mom! Thereís about a zillion kids my size here! And some of Ďem are girls! Can I play with them, Huh? Can I? Can I?" Well, If sheís gonnaí beat up on that kidís mom I can beat up on the kid. "Ouch!" She hits hard! Maybe we can just be friends. Iím hungry. Itís nap time.

These big animals without ears or hair are fun. They give us the same kind of food our moms eat and they play with us a lot more than our moms do. I really like that doe named Charise; the one with the read heart on her shoulder. I donít like that baby buck they call Bronson. Heís always following me around. Just Ďcause he doesnít have a mom doesnít mean he has to hang around me all the time. Sure wish heíd find someone else to be his hero.

Here comes an animal with no hair, again. Hope he wants to play. Why is he taking all us kids to the barn? Itís dark in there! I donít like this little stall. There are too many of us packed in here. The big animal just took Charise into a stall with walls I canít see through. I can tell heís hurting her Ďcause sheís calling for her mom.† He just took her back outside and is coming back for the rest of us. Iíll bet he hurts us too! †"Hey! Put me down!" Oh, good! He has food in here. "OUCH! That hurt! Mommy! He stuck a needle in my butt and then poked both of my ears full of holes and brushed green gunk into the holes". Ok. No problem. He has food.

"You canít catch me!" Running and jumping around the barn with Bronson is great fun! Oops! Whatís that on the other side of the bars? Thatís the biggest buck Iíve ever seen. I donít even come up to his chest! Wonder why they keep him behind bars. Bet I can make him hit his head against the bars. "Hey, Bronson. Watch him hit his head on the bars". Ok. not such a good idea. Iíll just go back to playing with Bronson and pretend that the big buck isnít there.

Here comes the hairless one I call Pappas. Wonder if itís food time or play time? Why is he taking all our moms and sisters into that other pen? Just when the does were getting to be fun to play with. I might get hungry for some milk and Iím over here and Momís over there and I donít know how to go over there and... "MOMMY!"

Pappas and Mammas bring all the food now. Watch... I can make them rub my face. All I have to do is cock my head to the side like a puppy and then they smile and rub my face with their gloves. Feels good. Itís no fun in this pen since they took all the moms and doe kids out. Itís just me and Bronson and Winchester and Remington and Justin and Hunter. Just a bunch of guys with nothing to do. The other bucks are smaller than me and Iím all the time having to butt them to keep them in line. And that Bronson is worst of all. He doesnít fight with me but every time I turn around heís starting a fight with of the others then coming over to stand by me for protection. One of these days... That strange hairless one is taking Remington and Winchester away. When the other hairless ones took Justin and Hunter they never came back. You sure wonít ever catch me getting into one of those trailers! Now itís just Bronson and me. Guess itís time he and I had it out. Specially since heís been looking at Charise. Besides, if I do him in I can have Charise and all the other does, too.

Uh, oh! Pappas is bringing that great big buck he calls "Doc" into the pen with me and Bronson. He canít be much if he walks around all meek-like with that chain on his neck and a rope between him and Pappas. Iím a buck and I donít have to bow to any goat just Ďcause heís been here longer than me. Iíll show him whoís boss of this pen. †"Leímme at Ďim! Lemme at Ďim!". Maybe that wasnít such a good idea. I thought that Pappas would keep holding the rope. I think Doc is gonna try to get rid of Bronson and me so he can have all the does to himself. Pretty selfish if you ask me. Pappas wonít let us fight with Doc, anymore. Just Ďcause weíre getting beat up pretty bad is no reason to keep us from trying. A few more fights and I know we can take him. Then I can get rid of that little punk Bronson and all the does will be mine. Why is Pappas putting me in this pen by myself? Doc is right on the other side of that wire. I think thereís a wire between him and Bronson, too. Not even one real fence between the three of us. All I have to do is walk over there through the wire and Pow! Pow! Theyíre both history! Iíll just walk through this little wire and... "OUCH!" What was that? The wire bit me! I think Iíll just let Doc stay where he is - Iím not going near that wire again! Iíll just stand here and look mean and maybe Doc will get too close to the wire and get bit too.

"A bath? A BATH!? Are you crazy? It took me two months to get the look and smell just right and you want to give me a bath"? I guess that Iíll never understand Pappas and Mammas. Just when things get going real good they do something to confuse me. Now they want me to wear a chain just like Docís and walk right next to them. All we do is go round and round inside the barn and then stop for a while. Wouldnít be so bad if they didnít move my feet all over the place every time we stop. I put my feet where I want them and they move them. After about the third time either they give up or I give up and then we walk some more. They talk real nice to me but Iíll bet all of this is leading up to something Iím not gonna like.

"No way am I going in there! That looks like the contraption they took Winchester and Remington away in". Ok, Iíll go in for food. Just donít shut the door and leave me in here. Iíve got to get my appetite under control. Here I am in a moving stall with bars between Bronson and me, bouncing along the road with giant bridges flying overhead threatening to crash down on me at any time. Charise and some of the other does are in a section on the other side of Bronson. I havenít seen Mammas or Pappas since they closed the door behind me after they suckered me in here with that food. At last! Pappas is letting me out! I donít think I like it here. I can smell Bronson in the next stall and the does are somewhere close but I canít see any of them. Mammas and Pappas bring me food and water and the bedding is almost like I have at home so itís gonna be ok. "No Way! Absolutely Not! I will not be given another bath". One of the strange bucks in the next stall told me that this is what is called a show. If this is what it means to be a show goat then I want nothing to do with it. Being dragged around all over the country; having to drink strange water; sleeping in a strange stall with who-knows-what class of goats living around me. Oh, food! It ainít so bad, after all. Whadíya mean "fifth place"! Iíll show you fifth place! You wouldnít a placed me so low if I was one of Docís kids - You gave Charise Reserve Grand Champion. Look at me. Just look at me! Iím the finest specimen of goat-flesh you ever set your eyes on and you put me in fifth place? I wonder if Mammas and Pappas agree with the judge. Well, at least Charise won.

Now, this in new. This is the third time today that Pappas has taken me out to the fence by some does Iíve never seen before. "Hello-o-o, Girls"! Pappas is keeping me on the wrong side of the fence but I can see them and they can see magnificent me. Wonder why they arenít coming over to the fence. Maybe if I give Pappas the puppy-dog look - "Pappas! Make Ďem like me, Pappas". I donít like this game - go look at girls, go back to the pen, go look at girls, go back to the pen. Pappas gives me food every time I go back to the pen so I guess itís ok. I donít care what Doc said: I am NOT a teaser for HIS does! I know that Pappas wouldnít keep taking me out to the does and now that theyíre ready let Doc go see them. He wouldnít do that, would he? OK! Theyíre ready! †"Leímme at Ďim! Wait! Donít take me back to my stall"! Pappas just took Doc out with his chain and rope. Wonder where theyíre going.

Mammas has a chain around my neck and is pulling me out of the pen with a rope. Hope I donít touch one of those wires on the side as we go through the gate. Iíd really hate to hurt Mammas but if that wire bites me again Iíll panic. Whew! Made it. Where is she taking me? Oh, thereís some does Iíve never met before! Mammas is taking me to see them! †"Hurry, Mammas, Hurry! Canít you run any faster than that!" Mammas is letting me into the pen with the does! ALL Right! Who needs food!

(Senjin has just been introduced to lesson #2; "The one who writes the breeding schedule is a boss").




 

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