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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!

CANíT TOUCH THIS
by
Connie S. Reynolds
autumnfarmboers.com
Ravenswood, WV

Bucks have an ego problem. They think they are the hottest thing going. They walk and prance around, strutting their stuff, hollering and whooping and telling the whole world that nothing is better than them. Look at me, man, they holler. Then the next instant they dare you with, ďYou looking at me? You looking at me?Ē You canít win. From the youngest to the oldest buck, they are one big ego. They know no one is better than they are.

On this farm there is one buck with the biggest ego ever. No one in the past, no one in the future is going to have an ego like our Gideon. He is constantly embarrassing me when guests and customers drop by. He is such a show-off. Being a very modest person myself, never bragging on all my great and fantastic skills and super gifts of personality, itís really hard on me to own such a show-off.

Plus, I think he has learned the English language. He knows what you are saying. It never fails when someone buys one of his daughters or sons, they want to see the father. So, out we march to look at the father. Iíve learned a long time ago to never let people in to visit our breeding bucks. True, bucks can be aggressive, but a lot of people donít have a lick of sense how to treat a buck. They will invariably want to scratch between their horns, around their heads, or try to play with them. If that buck wasnít overbearing and aggressive before they came in to see him, he certainly will be after they leave. Because a scratching and pushing on the head leads to hard rubbing by the buck, next to shoving by the buck, and next he wants to whoop you. So, people wanting to see any of our breeding bucks, get to stand outside the fence and look in.

But, I digress. So, out weíll walk to look at Gideon, the father of the goat they have just bought or might buy, and if Gideon has noticed we have customers on the place, he will have posed himself up on the hill or behind his run-in in shed. Two favorite places he likes to use as a set up to wow any new people. He knows how to make an entrance.

He waits for his cue. ďGideon!Ē And, if he is up on the hill, usually he is standing sideways and he is looking off into the distance, in deep thought, standing with one front foot way out in front of the other, stretching his length as much as he can, and youíd swear he was actually flexing his rear to show off the muscling.

Upon hearing his name, he regally turns his head to look down at the new people, remember heís upon the hill for this performance. Then he turns slowly, and strides towards us. Youíd swear again that he was flexing and puffing out his chest as he walks towards you. I canít help but think, what a ham. Youíd think he was a model on a walkway.

Then he stops in front of the fence, but not too close so that the fence doesnít get in the way of your view of him. He stands there showing off that chest, that muscular, neck, that regal head.

And, he waits for his next cue. I say, ďYou should see his rear. He has a lot of meat in those hindquarters.Ē Then he slowly and majestically turns around so his rump is facing his audience. He tightens that tail even tighter over his back. You get the full view if that rear. Next, he turns his head to look at you admiring his rump. Itís almost like he is saying, ďThatís right. Thatís right. Iím hot. You canít touch that.Ē Then he flexes his rump muscles, sashays off, turns, to show the side view again, and then casually walks off. His performance is over, you may now leave.

On the other hand, having one primadona buck and a couple more with almost as big an ego, we then come to Esau. Good olí red Esau. He knows no poses. Just about the only way to have him pose for people would be to shoot him, stuff him, and then pose him. He hasnít a clue how to pose, like the very egotistical Gideon does.

If he would simply walk past, just walk on down the fence, thatís all heíd need to do. Then people would see his muscling, lovely head, the shiny shimmering of that red coat as the sunlight dances across that sheen. But, no, not our Esau. Bring a stranger to see him and he either disappears into his run-in shed until he is chased out, and then he goes into what he considers are good poses.

First, is the pose of what a deer would look like caught in high beams, a terrified frantic look of just knowing you need to take flight to survive, but where? Caught with strangers looking at him, heíll immediately face them, very bug eyed. His second pose is to squinch his shoulders together so tight to make his chest disappear. Next pose is to stand with one front foot in front of the other, almost on top the other foot, thus narrowing his chest as much as possible even more. Fourth pose is to hunker his back feet close and forwards underneath, thus pushing his belly out so you think he has two basketballs, one hanging on each side, and then top that off with an even more frantic look because people are staring at him. Well! Forget wowing anyone with this buck. He does not have the knack of posing the way Gideon has. You just hurry past Esau and show off his kids, they reflect well for their daddy.

So, in Gideonís mind, nothing can touch him. He just knows he outshines every buck, every goat in the whole world. Esau doesnít give a fig. Both have attitudes of Canít Touch This, but for Gideon itís his firm belief that he is a great and glorious beauty, for Esau, take that saying literally. Canít touch this. A stranger better not touch him, heís gone like a flash. His ego is for totally wowing the does. Gideonís is for wooing the entire world. Canít touch this.

THE END

 

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