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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NOÖ
ZAPPED!
autumnfarmsboers.com
Connie Reynolds
Autumn Farm
Ravenswood, WV

HOW TO BUY GOATS
by
Connie S. Reynolds

Here are some timely tips for goat buyers, whether first timers or old hands at buying goats. Even experienced buyers need a refresher course every now and then. Youíve heard the old saying, "Boy, I wish I knew all that heís forgotten." Well, here it is. Donít worry, I never understood that saying either, but then, maybe Iíve forgotten.

Letís say youíve already decided to check out the ads in the papers and free advertisements and have decided to go that route instead of the sale barns for now. Youíve called a few people with goats for sale and youíve found out there are a lot of different breeds out there. Youíve also found out that wether is a neutered boy goat and itís pronounced "weather" even though its spelled wether. You know what a billy is and what a nanny is and you are starting to feel quite experienced by now. So, you pick out a few ads and set up appointments to go see the goats.

Now an important decision has to be made here and that is clothes. What on earth do you wear to look at goats? Those golden strapped sandals are quite nice, but take in consideration where you are going. You are probably going to a farm and I know youíve read about farms, but itís reality time now.

Goats have a tendency to make goat berries (hard round "poo"), so you had better wear socks with those gold strapped sandals. You donít want hard round goat berries rolling between your toes and distracting you while you are discussing goats with the goat seller. But, if itís a rainy day, donít wear socks with the sandals. Youíll need to be able to get a grip with your toes as you navigate a soupy barnyard.

You want to wear your brand new white tennis shoes? That is a great idea. You can really see your feet in those white shoes. You can spot exactly where you are stepping and also know where you have been by the color of the shoes.

Okay, back to clothes. Contrary to popular belief, goat sellers do see other colors besides green (your money). They will be able to tell instantly if you are an experienced goat buyer by the clothes you wear. So, make a good impression. No, donít wear your Sunday go to meeting clothes. This will label you as a greenhorn. Besides, the congregation will appreciate you not wearing those same clothes to church on Sunday. But, if you want a seat to yourself at church and plenty of elbow room, go ahead and wear your Sunday go to meeting clothes to buy a goat.

If you insist on wearing strapless halter-tops, take in consideration the action of bending over and trying to pick up a squirmy, fighting, baby goat and trying to clutch it to your chest. Now, this may not be a problem for a guy wearing a strapless halter top, other then the distraction of a guy wearing a strapless halter top, but ladies should consider this.

Skirts are freeing, arenít they? Plenty of leg movement in skirts. But, whether you want to be that free, chasing across the pasture to catch your new purchase, your gold sandals sparkling in the sunlight, itís up to you. Remember, if you have a windy day youíll be spending all your time trying to hold down your skirt. And, itís really hard trying to chase down your new goat purchase while holding down your skirt. Trying to get a leg lock around a goatís neck while your hands are occupied is very hard, trust me.

Okay, so weíve about decided on pants of your choosing and a sturdy shirt. These will look quite nice with the gold strapped sandals. What about shorts? Well, it certainly could get cold in winter, but if you are hot blooded, go right ahead. Just remember, if you are carrying a baby goat to the vehicle those babies have sharp little hooves. If they are thrashing around in your arms expect the upper part of your legs to look like a busy road map with really wide roads. Even if you are leading an adult to the vehicle and that goat happens to have horns, if it whips its head around much the tips of the horns can do a number on unprotected legs. Unless you are a quick dancer and can dance out of the way of those horns, doing splits, kicks, and a fancy two step.

This leads us into vehicles. What do you carry a goat in? If you have a car with leather seats, that will do quite nicely. Leather cleans up with saddle soap and warm water and what if you get a particularly stubborn stain? Why, heat up some 100% neatsfoot oil and soak those seats. It will change the color of the seat to something darker that should hide the stain. Oh, and donít expect to keep the new car smell after hauling a goat around in the back seat. You get more of an earthy smell. You might want to change the name of your car to "Mother Earth" or something like that to prepare passengers as they get in. We call our van the "Goat Mobile". That way people know what to expect when they get in.

What kind of stains could you possibly get from a goat? Well, goats arenít exactly known for their bladder or bowel control, especially when excited. And, boy, will they be excited riding in the back seat of a car. They probably will lose their vocal control too and sing different renditions of "Baa, Baa, Scared Goat" all the way to their new home. Did I mention ear plugs are good to take along on a goat buying trip?

Some people have large dog carriers to put in the back seat of the car for baby goats. Others actually build a large box out of pallets to put in the back of their trucks. Camper tops on the back of trucks are particularly handy to put goats in. Self-contained camper tops are not a good idea to haul goats in. Toss a goat in there and after itís dismantled the stove, refrigerator, and bathroom, it will then crawl up on the main bed and make stains that will challenge the best spot remover on the market. The only way to rid yourself of the goat mess in your self-contained camper is a good bonfire.

Now, when you have decided on the place to go to look at goats, the clothes to wear, and the way to haul a goat home. Next is actually arriving. When you step out of your car, donít say to the goat seller, "Whatís that awful smell?" Remember, a farm is not supposed to smell like your living room. At least it better not. If you step out of the car and take a big breath and say, "Ahhh, this smell just like my home." The goat seller will naturally wonder if he should sell you any goats, for health reasons of the goat.

Next, well, it looks like Iíve run out of space. Sometime soon we will have to cover buying quality animals. Happy goat searching.

THE END

 

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