I am sure I have had national champions in super sucker bottle babies. Each has had their own style, but most have been amazing super suckers. The intenseness of these bottle babies, when they finally learn what a bottle is, is amazing.

Sure, in the very beginning with some bottle kids, you wonder if they will ever learn to take a bottle. The first week you may have to pry their mouths open to get the bottle nipple in and also possibly get a wet paper towel and have your spouse or children rub the bottle baby’s bottom with it to encourage them to take a bottle, but eventually they catch on and then watch out. They are better than any blood hound in hunting a bottle down and then latching on to it. Why use a wet paper towel to encourage them, some might be wondering? What does the mommy do with her new baby? She’s always cleaning them, particularly when they are nursing and the only thing she can reach is their rear then. Of course, when they actually do make a mess, she seems to forget about cleaning their little rears and expects you to come by with a diaper wipe or wet paper towel to do the honors. But, that’s another story.

The extreme focus of these little babies on their bottles is amazing. Sure, I know they are hungry, but it is more than that. I have one little girl that when she latches onto that bottle, she stares full in my face, eyes big and round and bugging out as she sucks her bottle down. It looks like she is saying, “Oh, boy, I’d better hurry here. At any minute she might take my bottle away!” I laugh at that big bug-eyed stare every time I feed her.

One of her bottle companions is the exact opposite. Sure, he’s as eager for that bottle as the bug-eyed girl, but once he gets it, according to him, all’s right with the world. A dreamy look comes to his face, his eyes go half closed, life is indeed truly wonderful. Oh, he doesn’t slow down on his sucking, it just doesn’t occur to him that I might take it way before he is finished, as it does with the little bug-eyed girl.

So help me, I think as strong a sucker as bottle kids are, I can’t help but think if I picked the bottle straight up, they would still be hanging onto the nipple. No, I’m not mean enough to try that but it does bring back memories of Drunkard’s Paradise.

Years ago, in Horse Fun Shows there was always one or two events to test our expertise in riding and showing horses. One was called Drunkard’s Paradise. In this event you need to find a friend who is willing to ride double with you on your horse and the one riding behind has to suck a baby bottle full of Kool-aid and the first one done in the ring, that team wins a ribbon for either first or second or third or fourth place.

So, what’s so hard about that? The rider, the one in front, has to steer the horse with one hand while holding onto the bottle with the other and the one behind is not allowed to touch that bottle at any time. The one doubling has to latch onto that bottle and suck for all their worth through a walk, trot, canter, and hand gallop.

The rider who is steering the horse does the best if the horse is already trained to neck rein, so it is possible to ride one handed while trying to hold that bottle over your shoulder as steady as possible for the friend behind to suck. And, the friend behind had better have good strong teeth, because the bumping and beating those front teeth are going to take as the horse trots and canters can be quite painful. Plus, the friend has to be tough enough to not mind getting splashed with Kool-aid in the face and down the shirt.

And, if your horse tends to be rough and bouncy, it’s a dickens of a time to get a dislodged baby bottle back into your partner’s mouth while holding that bottle over your shoulder and trotting or cantering a horse. Do you know who won this event in our area year after year? A mother who was an unbelievable rider and who kept having children about every year, and had her children riding horses even before they were born because she liked to ride while nine months pregnant. She would put her last year’s toddler behind her saddle, reach that bottle way over her shoulder and once that toddler got hold of that bottle, nothing that horse did could dislodge that bottle from that toddler‘s mouth. That’s the determination I see in bottle kids for hanging onto their bottles. I always suspected she had children so regularly so she would always have a toddler available to win Drunkard’s Paradise.

Well, enough of my admiration for super suckers. I have a couple of those national champion suckers down at the barn now demanding their bottles. Now they could beat anyone in Drunkard’s Paradise with time to spare.