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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
WHOOOWEE

It always happens. You have an appointment in town, you look out the window and see one of your bucks or the neighbor’s buck in trouble and you go to help. By the time you get back inside, there’s no time for a quick shower, though you feel the need for a through scrub with a Brillo pad using Comet or Ajax to get the buck scent off, it’s time to leave.

You scrub your arms and hands the best you can. Change clothes and hope the buck smell stayed with the old clothes, throw on your town clothes and go flying out the door, hoping for the best. Unfortunately……..

Last week I was to take my parents to town for some shopping and doctor’s appointments. I heard one of the livestock guard dogs cutting a real fit that morning in the other field and looking out saw why. A tall Nubian goat was standing in our horse pasture at the gate where the 11 young for sale full blood bucks were kept. Evidently this Nubian thought they were leading an exciting life, hollering and whooping, and wanted to be in with them.

I didn’t even know our neighbors had a goat, much less a nice looking Nubian. I was guessing it belonged to our neighbors, as this was the only place the goat could have come from. I headed across the field with a bucket of grain to entice the animal to follow me back to its home. One side of the fence was a three strand electric fence and I very cautiously stepped across at a low spot and then I noticed at the last minute that this goat was a buck, a yearling buck, but still a buck. Always proceed with caution with any bucks is my motto, and here I stepped right into it.

He did a little leap and butted me. Being young and obviously inexperienced at butting, because I was still standing, he turned and went back to trying to figure out a way to get through the gate to the other bucks. Counting on his inexperience at human destruction, I shoved the feed bucket under his nose. He taste tested the feed and decided it wasn’t up to his specs.

I gave up trying to get him to follow the bucket and headed across the field to the neighbors. The lady of the house was leaving as I caught up with her at the driveway. I explained the situation and she said she hated that goat. He had knocked her four feet last night when she was trying to milk the doe. She was headed to work, but used her cell phone to call back at the house to get two kids up to come and get the goat back home.

The teenagers came staggering, bleary eyed, out of the house, the girl in flip flop shoes and shorts and carry an old collar and a dog leash, and the boy in jeans and tee shirt had stopped to get a little bucket of grain. They immediately told me they hated that goat and had been chased and harassed by him repeatedly and were basically fearful of him.

I told them to come on and I’d help them get him home.

My little troop of buck catchers, with much vocalization of being fearful of that buck and the boy said if the buck even looked at him he knew he would just fall over in fear, followed me back to our place. I told the boy that when he fell over, to make sure he fell on top of the buck so the girl and I could get a collar on the buck while he was being held down by the boy’s prone body. The boy gave me a very wide eyed frightened look. I just grinned at him to show I was joking, sort of.

Now the girl looked game, in spite of the shorts and flip flops and carrying an old dog collar and dog leash, to go catch a marauding buck she was afraid of. She acted like me in my younger days, lack of good sense about pain. Okay, I still act that way. So I figured I could count on her to hang in there with me when the going got tough. Mainly because she, like me, wouldn’t see a way out, like run off, if things got a bit hairy. I think it all goes back to that lack of sense thing.

When we got to the electric fence and the buck rushed up to the fence to greet us, I felt my young buck catchers line up and hide behind me. While trying to figure out the best way to unhook the electric fence gate, plus catch the buck, the buck took care of it. He simply ducked his head down and stepped through the fence. Well, forever more, the fence wasn’t working. He was going to rush past us, still focused on how to get in the pen with the other buck boys, when I dove at him and wrapped my arms around his neck and dug in my heels to stop him.

“I need the collar!” I shouted. I could hear the girl’s flip flops just really flip flopping as she ran up beside me with the collar and leash. One look at the old collar and I knew it wasn’t going to last this buck, but I got it on him and kept his head to my side as we briskly walked. I didn’t want to line up in front of him to get butted, nor lag behind to get dragged all over the field.

Somehow I got the buck past the buck boys’ pen and proceeded onto the road to try and get the buck home. I could hear the girl’s flip flops just flying beside me, trying to keep up in case I needed help. The boy was floating around to the back of us, going from side to side, wanting to help but too terrified to know what to do.

The buck and I fought and wallered around all over that road, plus keeping at a pretty fast walk/trot. Then the collar broke. Once again I threw my arms around the buck’s neck, but that wasn’t slowing him down this time. He dragged me down into the ditch, up out of the ditch, down into the ditch several times and the whole time I could hear those little flip flops a going, trying hard to keep up with me and the buck.

I got him under control for a few minutes one time, when he had dragged me back out of the ditch and onto the road, by holding on with one arm around his neck and grabbing his chin whiskers and circling him. He was quite surprised at the chin whiskers trick and the girl ran up beside me with the dog leash and somehow we got that around his neck. I glanced up in time to see the boy flash past us, high tailing it home. The instinct of self preservation had finally kicked in. Didn’t blame him a bit. I would have done the same if I’d had any sense.

Now maybe seeing that boy going flying down the road in front of him and he realized he finally had a target, or he just gave up, wanting to get rid of me. That buck lined up straight and with a fast walk/trot took off after the boy with me hanging onto the rope and the girl’s flip flops just a flying, keeping up with us.

We finally made it to their place and the girl ran ahead and opened the electric fence gate where three Nubian does stood, not at all pleased that their man had made it back home. The buck just flew in there with me and I took the rope off and made a fast exit before he noticed I was still with him.

He was busy telling all the Nubian girls that he was the man. He had traveled to far lands, seen strange goats, wrestled with a giant, and made it back home to his girls. He was the man. The Nubian girls were not impressed.

I straggled back home, the worse for wear. Scrubbed up my arms, changed clothes and headed to town to pick up mom and dad for our doctor and shopping trip. And, really really hoped everyone who would come in contact with me that day would have a head cold. I don’t think anyone was going to believe I had on a new exotic perfume.

THE END


 

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