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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
4 H FRETTER-ER
A BUCK GROWS UP
ADAPTING
AGAIN, THE SKY IS FALLING
ALL YOU NEED IS ... CARDBOARD
AMANNAMEDJED
AND THEN IT GOT COLD
AND THEN IT WARMED UP TO ZERO
ANGRY GOAT FARMER
ANTIQUE GOAT FARMING
ANYTHING BUT THAT
ARE BUCKS EVER BABIES
AROMA THERAPY
ARTFUL DODGERS
ARTIC FRONT
AUTUMN BOQUET
B U B - B U B - B U B
BABY BACK EXCUSE
BABY MONITORS
BACK TO NATURE
BAIT
BARKING AT GOATS
BARN SOUR TRUCK
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED
BE HAPPY
BEAUTY MISTAKES
BEHAVIORS
BEHIND THE GATE
BIG 10-4 GOAT FARMER
BIKINI WEDNESDAYS
BILLBOARD GOAT FARMING
BILLIES & STICKWEEDS
BLIZZARD OF 92
BLONDE GOAT FARMER
BLONDE HUMOR
BOTTLE BABIES
BOTTLE BABY TALK
BOTTLE BABY WITHDRAWAL
BOXING SUNBEAMS
BRONCHITIS.
BRUISE OR DIRT
BUCK LOVE
BUCKETHEAD
BUCKS IN STOCK
CALLING YOOOOU
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
CANE I DO IT?
CARPAL TUNNEL HAY
CATCHING PEARL
CHICK CHICK CHICORY
CHOCOLATE PLUM
CHRISTMAS KIDDING
CHUCK
COLD IS OUR FRIEND NOT
COUGH DROP WORMER
COUNTING
CRUMPLED
CUD CHEWING CONTENTMENT
DAYCATIONS
DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
DELOUSED
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ...
DOES ON KIDDING
DOWNSIZING
DRAMA QUEEN
DRENCHED!
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
DUCT TAPE.
DUMPSTER RAIDERS
EARPUGS
EGG SHELL MASSACRE
EMMITT
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
EQUIPMENT OPERATORS - DANCERS
ESCAPE ARTIST
ESCORT SERVICE
FALLING SKY
FARM WALK
FARMER C S I
FEEL LIKE A NUT
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR SOCK
FLOATING MUSHROOMS
FORKS IN THE ROAD
FULL OF BULL
G G
GATE ATTACK !!!!
GIRL WATCHER
GLIDING
GLOBAL SUPPORT CENTER
GNAWED AND BASICALLY CHEWED
GOAT ADDICTION
GOAT CELEBRATIONS
GOAT FARMER SONG
GOAT FARMER WEIGHT TRAINING
GOAT FARMER'S CREED
GOAT FARMING CAMP
GOAT HOLIDAY GIFTS
GOAT HUNTING
GOAT KLEENEX
GOAT LANGUAGE
GOAT OLYMPICS
GOAT PROFILER
GOAT SCIENTIST
GOAT WHEELS
GOAT WRITER
GOATS RULE
GOOD GRIEF
GOT RUNS?
GOTTA WORK KIDS
GRAND CANYON OF CHILDRESS
GREAT KIDDERS
HAULING GOATS
HAVE MILK WILL TRAVEL
HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
HAY MONITOR
HE-BE-GEE-BE'S
HELP! HELP! HELP!
HELP! I'M IN THE BATHTUB
HELPING HOOVES
HERD OF TURTLES
HERE COMES KIDDING TIME - A CHRISTMAS TUNE
HOBBLE, HOBBLE
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS (A GROANER)
HOME DECORATOR
HORNLESS
HOT CHOCOLATE
HOW TO BUY GOATS
HOW YOU FEELING?
HUGS
HUNDERD YEARS
HUNTING LUMBERJACKS
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
I FEEL PRETTY
I PREFER LONG EYE LASHES
I REALLY DO HAVE A HOME
I'LL HOLD HIM BACK
I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT
I'M STILL HERE?
INDIAN SUMMER
INNOCENT 1ST TIME KIDDERS
INTERNET AUCTIONS
INVESTMENTS
IRON WILL
IT TOOK TWO
JINGLE BELL GOATS
JOKE - GET A JOB!
JOYFUL
JUMPY LITTLE SNOWBIRD
JUST 1 MORE GOAT
KEYSTONE KOPS
KID CATCHING
KID IN A BOX
KID SENSORY OVERLOAD
KIDMARES
KNUCKLE SANDWICHES
LADYLIKE BUCK SELLER
LAST BUCK STANDING
LEFT OVERS
LETTERS
LETTERS FROM THE FARM
M. D. GOAT
MAD AGGIE
MANIPULATE WHAT?
MASTER BLASTER
MAYBE THIS TIME
MEMBER ME
MIND CONTROL
MR. SNUFFY
MUSHROOM HUNTING
MUTTER MUTTER
NAMING GOATS
NANNY BERRIES ~ DEAR FAVORITE RELATIVE
NEW "KID" ... SHOWING
NEW HAY IN THE HOUSE
NEW KIDS.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
NORMAL
OCTOBER KIDDING
ODE TO ODOR
OH, MY
OUCH
PANIC ATTACK!
PAW PAWS
PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY
PHONE CALLS
PHONE CLASS
PICK POCKETS
PIRANHA PEN
PLAYING DEAD
PLEASED AS PUNCH
PLEASING GOAT CUSTOMERS
PLOP
POOF POOF
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
PRESENTS
PRISCILLA THE HUN
PRO WRESTLER OR PUPPY
PROFESSIONAL POO CHECKER
PSYCH ME OUT
PUTTING ON A SHOW
QUIPS & QUOTES
QUIPS-N-QUOTES II
REAP THE WILD WIND
RECORD KEEPING
REDNECK TANK TOP
REFEREE
REQUESTS
ROAD TRIP 2003
ROCK ON
ROLL'UM ROLL'UM
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'
RUB DIRT ON IT
S-T-R-E-S-S
SANDWICHED
SAWDUST.
SCHEDULING
SCREAMING BANSHEES
SECRET AGENT
SHAGA GOOBLE SHAGA BLIP
SHANNIGANS & KID SLOBBERS
SHORT TIGHT STEPS & OTHER ODD EVENTS
SHOTS
SHOULD EVERYONE VOTE
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
SMART GOATS
SMUDGED
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
SNATCHED BALD
SNEAKY
SONG OF THE FROG
SPIES, SECRET AGENTS, SPOOKS, AND OTHER GOATS
SSSNAKE
STAMPEDE!
STARGATE BOERS
STEAM-IRON SANDWICHES
STEP BY STEP
STICK IT WHERE
STOMPING ORANGE STRINGS
STUCK AGAIN
STUDENT ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
STUPID IS...
SUNSHINE BOO BOO'S
SUPER HERO
SUPER SUCKERS
SUPPER AT SEVEN A.M.
SURVEY SAYS
SURVIVING KIDDING
SWASH - BUCKLING BUCKS
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
TALKING POCKETS
TATTOOING
THANK GOODNESS FOR MUD
THE $37.50 BUCK
THE 2003 DARWIN AWARDS
THE COWBOY WAY
THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD
THE DANGERS OF GUM BOOTS
THE FARM WOOKIE
THE FLYING GOATZANIES
THE FRAGRANCE OF HAY
THE GAME'S AFOOT
THE GOAT WHISPERER
THE MOB SQUAD
THE MORAL BUCK
THE PET CHICKEN
THE PIED PIPER
THE PLAN
THE SCARECROW GOAT SELLER
THE SMELL OF MONEY
THE TALKING GOAT
THE TARP ANNIHILATOR
THE THINKER
THE TICK
THE TRUTH ABOUT DOGS
THE V WORD
THE WINDY TAX
THE WORM HAS TURNED
THEN THE KNEE DOCTOR SAID
THIS END UP
THUMP, BANG, WHOOP, AND HOLLER
THURSDAY, THURSDAY
TIE THE ROPE TO THE HAMMER
TOO MUCH FENCE
TORNADO ALLEY
TORPEDOS AND TIDAL WAVES
TOSS THE BLOCK
TOY TRUCK
TRAINING HUMANS
TRUE LOVE
TWITCHY HANKEY
UGH DAYS
UNCLE ARTHUR
UNWITTINGLY
USING CAFFEINE WISELY
WALK LIKE A TURTLE
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
WALK THIS WAY
WANNA BUY A GOAT (WINK, WINK, WINK)
WARNING LABLES
WAS THAT 65 OR 66?
WAS THAT CHRISTMAS?
WAS THAT THE WIND
WATER BUCKET TOAD
WAY TO THE HEART
WEANING WEANERS
WEE GOAT FARMERS
WELFARE GOATS
WHAT A DAY
WHAT DAY IS IT
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
WHATSTH THISTH
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU VEGETABLES.
WHERE'S THE BRAKES
WHOOWEE
WIDE LOADS
WILD GOAT MILKING
WINTER LIST
WOE, DISPAIR...
WRONG.TURN!
YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
YOU COME HERE, NO, YOU COME HERE, NO…
ZAPPED!
REQUESTS

I’m all the time getting requests. The goats just never give it a rest and it gets even more interesting during kidding, because the kids have their requests, too. Oh, sure, goat customers call up and put in requests too, such as they want a buck or a doe or a red or a correct color or a paint or a kid or a mature goat. A couple of times I even had requests for a goat that would only have twins, would always be polite at feeding time, easy keepers on bad browse, would never ever need worming or shots or get sick, would always come when called, and would never need their feet trimmed. I said if they ever found any like that, that I wanted several, too. But, now the goats are requesting something all the time.

Normal goat requests are: “Hey! You call this food?! Get us something else!” Or, “Don’t you have more food than this?” “It’s pretty good, what there was of it!” “Did I ask for a diet? What do you mean I’m getting too fat! I’m suppose to have big rolls of fat behind my elbows and my cheeks are suppose to look like a stuffed chipmunks!” (This is the goat speaking, not me.) “How about skipping the worming this time, say until forever?” “Where’s the hay? Naw, I mean the good stuff, I need to lay down in it.”

Now, those are normal goat requests, the bucks get a little more X rated and this is a G rated story, but basically they usually shout at the does: “Hubba Bubbba Baby! My you look fine! Hey, Connie, get that cutie out of the herd and bring her here. Oh, forget that. Bring the whole herd here, that’ll do!”

The kidding does are a little irrational at times, but you can understand that. One first time doe had kidded two beautiful kids and I had the heat lamp set up and put the kids under it. She was so proud of her two kids, but when the afterbirth started coming out, she got this stressed look and started pushing the kids out from under the heat lamp. Soon as they were pushed aside, she hurriedly laid down under the lamp herself and got this very worried look as she concentrated. I got her up and pushed her aside and put her babies back under the heat lamp. She repeated the same thing over again and she laid down under the lamp again. I made her move again and she got this very frantic look as if to say, “But, I need this lamp! I’m having a baby!” Leave me aloooooone!” I finally had to give in and as soon as the afterbirth passed and she saw she wasn‘t kidding, she allowed the babies back under the heat lamp.

Another doe thought either me or Lee had to be there when she was kidding. She kept calling to either of us, looking over the stall. When one of us was there, she was fine. But, she was not near kidding yet, just getting started in the “Oh dear, this doesn’t feel right,” stage, so we kept checking in on her while we did our chores. This was not acceptable to her. Finally, I thought she could be getting close enough and I got my sitting bucket and went in the stall with her, soon she popped out a big handsome boy. Between the doe and I, we got him cleaned up, I iodined his belly button, she licked it off, I iodined the belly button again and again she licked it off again, finally I decided to do it when she wasn’t looking. I heard another doe and went to check on her, but this doe hollered, “No, no, no, you are not suppose to leave!”

I came back in minutes and watched her getting ready for her next kid, but she couldn’t get settled. She couldn’t figure out what to do with the first kid. She couldn’t just leave him all by himself and she fretted and fretted. Finally, I picked the boy up, wrapped him in a towel and sat him in my lap. She checked this situation over and approved it, and promptly laid down on my feet and started kidding. This way she had me fixed in one place and had her kid in an approved location. Her requests had been fulfilled.

Now, one new baby had a different request. Her mother was an older doe and when her udder filled up, it hung low. The new kids of this doe had to learn to get on their knees and dive under her and pick the teats up to suck, they were just so close to the ground. Well, this hour old little girl just didn’t get it. There was no way she was going to get down on her knees she had decided, but yet there that teat was, very close to the ground. Her brother was down on his knees on the other side, sucking up a storm, but not this picky little girl.

So, she stood and angrily hollered at that teat. I bent over and lifted the teat up to her mouth level and she latched on and sucked up a storm. After that, there was no living with her. Every time I walked by, she hollered at me and then at the teat. Being very well trained, I would bend over and lift her mother’s teat up for her and she would get her fill. This went on for two days, until she decided I wasn’t quick enough and I saw her down on her knees, with her brother, both sucking up a storm.

One little red girl put her request in a quiet but unusual way. Being a bottle baby because her mother had four kids, and she loved her bottle, but sometimes she would get so full at bottle time and she didn’t know what to do. It never occurred to her to simply pull away and refuse the bottle, she would keep trying to soldier on and suck it all down. But, she had one little trick when she was full, she hung her tiny little tongue out of the right side of her mouth and somehow continued sucking. You’d look down and see this gallant little kid doing her best to finish her bottle, but that little tongue would be hanging out of the side of her mouth, flapping in the wind.

I would quickly take the bottle away and this look of relief would come over the kid’s face, “Oh, thank you, thank you. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but I just couldn’t finish that huge bottle.” Soon as I caught on to how she was wording her request, things went very well after that.

Requests, we all get them, but the goat farmer gets more than their fair share from an unexpected location. Either screaming goats at feed time, kidding mothers, lewd bucks, or tiny baby kids have a multitude of requests. Some are reasonable and some are, wait a minute, I hear a first time mother hollering for me to come and hold her collar so her babies can nurse. She doesn’t realize yet that I don’t need to hold that collar, but in her goat mind, she thinks it’s a rule. She’s a smart girl and should soon learn I am not a necessary part of her kids’ feeding, but if not, just another request goat farmers find themselves facing every day.

THE END


 

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