Lately I have been receiving one or two emails a week concerning rich Nigerian citizens wanting to invest in my goat business. Evidently, worldwide, they have heard about my ability to make vast amounts of money on goats. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always had this business sense. I can remember my mom looking at purchases I had made at the store and asking, "What’s wrong with you?!" She was probably trying to figure out where my sharp business acuity came from.

One email came from a sad Nigerian widow who had just last year lost her husband. He had something to do with the government. After he had died suddenly, some business deal he was working on for the Russians came through. The kind Russian government, realizing the financial plight widows can get into, gave her the payment her husband would have received, had he lived. Now she had eighty million dollars and wanted to make sure she invested it wisely to have enough to do her into her old age.

And, where else could she be sure of a wise investment, but with my goat business! Right away I saw she had the same business sense I had. And, how right she was to want to trust me with her eighty million. What could be more profitable then goats?

Later that week I received another email, only this was from a Nigerian doctor. Evidently he had heard this widow was onto a good thing and wanted to join in. He only had twenty million to invest. I was certainly sympathetic to him, as I’ve had to work with less money, too. Just because he only had twenty million, I was not going to be prejudice.

They both must have heard about my not too badly leaning buildings, fencing held frugally together with pieces of barbed wire and electric wire, and the skillful way I can sell my kids and impress the most hardhearted bookkeeper. I can sell a kid for $45-55 and only have $90 maintenance in his mother, plus another $15 in the kid after he’s been here a few weeks.

I can go to a sale and bid against myself and still come home with the goat. I can bring home several does, feed them up to a glossy show shine, and sell them for much less then I paid for them. I don’t know. It’s just a gift I have. And, finally this gift is paying off. My reputation has reached Nigeria.

With the first million I believe I’ll put in one of those fancy swimming pools. It will be perfect to rinse my barn boots off in before going into the house. With enough chlorine added, all new visitors can dip their shoes too to keep from bringing any diseases onto the place.

Then, I’m going to put one of those fancy town vet’s on payroll. Anytime any worming or foot trimming needs to be done, I’ll call him and let a professional wrestle around with my goats. He’ll be particularly handy during kidding time. I’ll just leave him at the barn to handle all kidding. It’s only good business sense to make sure I get all live kids. While he’s out there, he might as well clean a few stalls, too, waiting for the next doe to kid. Gotta get the most for my money. See, good business sense.

All of our old antique farm equipment will have to go. We will definitely need a 4-wheel drive John Deere tractor with air conditioning, heat, CD and cassette player, TV, DVD player, phone, and one of those super padded seats with arm rests. Also, a computerized round baler that does everything and you just go along for the ride. Sometimes you need to square bale, so a new John Deere, top of the line, square baler should be enough to make do. A brand new bobcat will be needed to clean barns, I’m sure the vet will appreciate using it while waiting for the does to kid.

We will also need a one ton dually truck with more then the stuff that’s in the tractor and also an air-conditioned and heated stock trailer to haul the goats in. Where we are going with them, I haven’t a clue, but we’ll be ready. An international business must always be prepared.

I believe I’ll need to hire one of those publicity agents to promote the farm. Possibly put on payroll a professional photographer to take pictures of me with my goats. Why be satisfied with international fame? You should always try to improve yourself.

The barns definitely need heat in the winter. Those big cracks between the boards can whistle through quite a draft. Adding a furnace and ductwork, registers, and a good blower will warm the place up very nicely, especially if I keep the furnace working day and night. That should fight back the cold air from the two-inch cracks in the boards.

Okay, I have a few things down on the list now, but I’ve got to get back to work doing goat business stuff. I just read in the paper that someone is having a sacrifice Boer sale. Looks like they are selling their older, 18 years old, Boer does at sacrificial prices of $5000 each. With my glib tongue, I bet I can get them down to $4950 each. I’d better hurry before they are all gone. Oh, and while I’m going through town I can drop off at the post office the $10,000 my investors need to get the millions sent over to me. Happy goating everyone.

THE END